Chris Says Goodbye To Christmas 2007
The jingle bells have stopped jingling, the hos have all been hoed, and the trees are either boxed up or thrown out to the curb. The holidays are over. And what are we left with? I'll tell you what we're left with - PRESENTS! I can't believe nobody's posted anything about this yet, so I'll start. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS GET FOR CHRISTMAS??
My Christmas was full of outrageously fantastic sci-fi presents. I'll pause for just a moment to let everyone get over their shock…
I'm still getting presents, so this list is not complete. As a matter of fact I just this morning received a HUGE box of Hallmark Star Trek ornaments and an original series USS Enterprise telephone from my half sister in California. It included the light up Galileo shuttlecraft and a Romulan Warbird. Combined with the sci-fi ornaments Ma Sci-Fi has been giving me for years, next year's tree is going to be absolutely geektastic. And speaking of next year's tree, I found my missing nine-footer! It's another Festivus miracle!
2007 is the year I will always remember as the Christmas I discovered the enormous fun of Advent calendars. The LEGO calendar I wrote about elsewhere was, quite honestly, one of the highlights of my Christmas. I've never had an Advent calendar before, and I swear I found myself eager and sometimes even anxious to get home after work and see what little LEGO surprise I had waiting for me. It was so cool; it was a crystal clear reminder of how I used to feel Christmas Eve night when I went to bed. Some nights this year I got so excited I stayed up past midnight for no other reason than to open my new LEGO set on it's proper day. Advent calendars are definitely something I will be doing again next Christmas.
The LEGOs don't really count as presents because I bought them for myself. As for stuff I received from others, there was a distinct pattern to my gifts. Except for the Star Trek ornaments and a really nice shirt from Sci-Fi Girl, pretty much all my presents were TransFormers. That's not a complaint, mind you. Its just the way things are when you're me. I got a bunch of 'bots from the new movie as well as another version of the DVD so I can finally finish my movie/DVD review that I have been promising since roughly the founding of the Roman Empire. I got a bunch of figures from the new movie which are good toys, but not so awesome that I want to go into it here. No, the most outstanding Christmas present this year is something really special.
As some of you may know, Hasbro owns the toy rights to both Star Wars and TransFormers, and a couple of years back they combined the two franchises to produce Star Wars TransFormers, a title so astoundingly anti-clever that it almost defies description. Long story short, the various Star Wars vehicles transform into semblances of their pilots, so the Hoth Snowspeeder transforms into a robot version of Luke in his Empire cold weather flight suit, and so on. Some of these toys are just so-so, and some are outright awful. The Han Solo/Chewbacca Millennium Falcon was an incredibly expensive disappointment with truly awful head sculpts and easily one of my least favorite TransFormers ever. It was a joke. Since I bought it I've been nervous about making any major Star Wars TransFormers purchases, and they don't get more major than this:
Frog Boy and Moose got me the mother of all Star Wars TransFormers, Darth Vader/Death Star. It is the biggest, costliest Star Wars TransFormer to date, and the one that makes me drool like Jabba. After being let down by the last two crap versions of Darth Vader's TransFormer robot mode, I was far too gun shy to buy this toy. This is a big TransFormer, and I didn't want to pay $50 just to get burned again. But, if I remember the story correctly, it was Moose who knew better after she saw this in the store, and she hooked my ass up. I know they're supposed to be a pain in the ass and not get along with their husbands' brothers, but I really ♥ my sister-in-law. This year she gave me the greatest gift of all - a TransFormer with an alt mod powerful enough to make an effective demonstration by testing this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan. And that's what Christmas is really all about.
Along with Unicron and Primus, Darth Vader is one of only three large scale TransFormers to transform into a quasi-planetary form. To keep this sense of scale, these three toys are nice and big. Although Vader isn't as massive as the other two in his Death Star mode, he's a damn sight larger than most Transformers in his robot mode. They really made great use of all the available space inside his spherical space station mode to squeeze a lot of toy in to a small volume. And he has a shitload of those neat little features that made TransFormers one of the best selling toys of all time:
- He comes with three little little Mini-Con TIE Fighters which can attach to him, and which also transform into a new TIE "mech mode."
- He comes with a miniature Darth Vader figure and three tiny Stormtroopers.
- He makes sounds and lights up when you transform him or press a button - different lights and sounds depending on which mode he's in.
- When you swing his arm, a light in his fist flashes and illuminates his lightsaber while making the lightsaber sound.
- His Death Star mode does the green flashing lights and firing sequence sound effects from A New Hope.
- He has a cape. An honest to god CLOTH FUCKING CAPE.
- The cape, the TIE Fighter Mini-Cons, his pistol, and all the mini figures all fit in storage compartments, making the toy very self-contained.
- If this toy had a vagina I would marry it.
There has been a long running internet debate over whom would win in a fight to the finish, the Death Star or Unicron. By "debate" I of course mean "feud of fiery assholes with below average mental faculties furiously typing unverified and opinionated information masquerading as facts to other assholes, all of whom seem unaware that, as a TransFormer, Unicron is inherently better than anything in the Star Wars universe, and any opinion that differs from mine on this matter is utterly incorrect, and any person who holds such an opinion should be forced to sponge bathe my vinegary scrotum after a month of not showering."
There are actually several good reasons that Unicron would win this fight, not the least of which is that he is just plain faster. The Death Star had to wait for over seven minutes to get in firing range of the Rebel base after they were already right next to it. They waited long enough for the entire station to be destroyed by the second attempt of a one-man fighter firing two little proton torpedoes that shouldn't even have been able to destroy a Y-wing (assuming both torpedoes impacted fully charged shields with maximum power allocation and, Jesus Christ, I am a fucking nerd). The Death Star may be an incredible piece of technology, but apparently the engineers who built the thing forgot to give it the seemingly simple ability to make a sharp turn. The time it takes for the Death Star to simply rotate into firing position would guarantee Unicron's victory. The opening scene of TransFormers: The Movie shows that in far less than seven minutes Unicron had flown through a binary star system, devoured an entire planet and everyone on it, converted the planet's mass to energy, and moved on in search of other food. All Unicron has to do is move just slightly out of range of the superlaser's arc of fire and charge; the Death Star would be eaten before it fired a single shot.
Also, the Death Star is pretty large and therefore unable to hide itself, whereas Unicron is surprisingly sneaky for his size. He snuck up on Lithone without them knowing he was there until he was plainly visible in the sky. He snuck up on Moonbase 1, and it was a military reconnaissance post. Clearly he has some sort of cloaking capabilities the Death Star wouldn't be able to compete with. He'd probably be able to sneak right up and start nibbling on the back of the Death Star before they base commanders knew what was happening. Let's face it, no matter how you look at it, Unicron's gonna kick the Death Star's ass.
Now that this toy has been released, TransFormers fans can make their Unicrons and Death Stars fight each other all day long. Of course, not everyone is happy. I've heard a few complaints that this toy has red eyes. This has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard; it is obvious in A New Hope Vader does, in fact, have red eyes. The pic above shows that his red eyes are perfectly clear on VHS, and if I'm not mistaken I'm pretty sure I saw it on the newly remastered DVDs as well. They redesigned the eyes for Empire and made them black, but the original facemask had red eyes. Besides, black is the absence of light; there's no way to make black eyes glow. And if you're gonna give a Sith Lord light-up eyes, you'll want to make sure they match his lightsaber. Sith Lords are nothing if not fashion conscious; they're all about the color coordination, girlfriend.
So how about you? What present did you get his year that really stands out? It doesn't have to be sci-fi; just tell us what your big Christmas score was.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
Friday night I meet Mrs. X and her brother Jake at the Dame to see the Queers. After being out of town the couple of times they have played here it was nice to get to see them. Put on a great show. Very Ramones style punk, and much like the Ramones the set was pretty much one buzzsaw song into the next without much talking, and most songs in the 2 minute range. Since I'm not that familiar with them you won't get too long of a review, and it was a couple of days ago so some of the song titles I could pick out to remember I have now forgotten.
They came out with a cover of the Ramones' "Rockaway Beach" which sounded great and went right into "No Tit." Pretty sure they played the family friendly "I Want Cunt" (remembered that one for some reason). Pretty sure "This Place Sucks" and "Fuck the World" were in there as well. I've been trying to remember lyrics to find the songs; not sure if the one I have found which I really liked was "See You Later Fuckface," but if it wasn't played I'm glad to have found it anyway. They played about an hour I would say and it was well worth finally getting to see them. Only disappointment for me was no "I'm Okay, You're Fucked" or "I Only Drink Bud" (great song, shitty beer).
“See You Later, Fuckface” - A Queer's classic. Lots of profanity—just a warning.
Until next time…
January 11th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
You know you’re getting older when a quality electric razor, a wallet, and some Khaki pants are much appreciated Christmas gifts.
Other loot:
iTunes gift card
The Bourne Ultimatum
My favorite Herbie movie of all time: Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo
Of course, it wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t get any Legos. Mandy came through on this one yet again, getting me the Trade Federation MTT and the Jedi Starfigher with Hyperbooster Ring. (I knew there was a reason I married her
)
I know I scored more loot than this, but I seem to be having a “senior moment”. Oh well.
January 11th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Got some LEGOs myself (not counting the Advent calendar and a few others I picked up). Ma Sci-Fi has a habit of buying things she’ll think I’ll like at incredible markdowns, deciding that I won’t like them, them giving them to me just before Christmas to get them out of her house. She doesn’t count these as Christmas presents, but I do. Last year it was Darth Tater. This year it was LEGO Adventurers “Mountain Sleigh.”
LEGO Adventurers was a LEGO series released from 1998 through 2003. It was 70% Indiana Jones, 20% The Mummy, and 10% Sax Rohmer’s The Insidious Dr. Fu Manchu. Not a bad little series, and now that LEGO’s got the Indiana Jones license, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the line make a comeback. Nor would it surprise me to see some of the pieces from that series get reused for Indy’s sets.
The Adventurers series had four different sub-themes: Egypt, Amazon, Dino Island, and Orient Expedition. The “Mountain Sleigh” set comes from the Orient Expedition line and is a weird version of an aerosan, a propeller driven sled that operates on the same principles as an airboat. These are real, by the way. The Russians used aerosans in WWII to run circles around the Germans; they were used to ferry supplies, equipment and communication over deep snow or thin ice where normal vehicles could not travel. Click the pic above to see a painting of a WWII era armored Russian aerosan.
The minifig that came with the Mountain Sleigh is Dr. Kilroy, a friend of the star of the Adventurers series, Johnny Thunder. The one that came with my set is better than the one in the bio pic for two reasons. First: my minifig is actually dressed like a professor, complete with brown hands which are supposed to be leather gloves, a feature I have never seen before in a LEGO figure. Second: it does not look like a gay Caribbean cruise director Colonel Sanders. Thanks, mom!
January 12th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I’d have to join in on the debate of Unicron vs. Death Star with a couple thoughts. The second Death Star (if completed) was without the critical exhaust port flaw (even a planet-sized battle station needs a sphincter!) and had the ability to aim precisely enough to target Corellian Battle Cruisers multiple times - whether or not it had to turn the entire station is an unknown, but it might last a couple minutes against an incoming Unicron - especially if the Emperor or Vader were on board as I’m pretty sure they’d sense him coming.
Just sayin’.
January 13th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Nope, I’m talking about just the first Death Star, since that’s the only one that has a TransFormer made of it. The second Death Star’s superlaser did seem to have superior targeting capabilities, so if - and ONLY if - they make a TransFormer out of the other Death Star, then we can talk. That’s also why I’m sticking by my guns on the red eyes deal. Since this is the Death Star from A New Hope, I want Vader to have the red eyes from A New Hope. If they ever make a TransFormer Vader of the incomplete Death Star from Jedi, I’d expect to see black eyes. And it should be in scale so it’s slightly larger than the first Death Star TransFormer. And the robot mode should have a removable helmet and mask exposing a decrepit, fucked up robot face underneath. And a much larger black cape than the first one. And TIE Bomber and TIE Interceptor Mini-Cons. That would kick several kinds of ass.
I’ll give you the exhaust port thing; the only reason they could fly spaceships into the second Death Star is that, like you said, it was incomplete. But Vader sensing Unicron… I wouldn’t be so sure. Vader has shown a history of missing very obvious, very important clues concerning robots. Anakin Skywalker worked side by side with R2-D2 and actually built C3P0, but he sensed neither of them on Leia’s ship nor on the Death Star in A New Hope, and they were in very close proximity. They both played extremely important roles in his past and his future; why didn’t his Force powers alert him to their presence? As a mater of fact, both droids were instrumental in his ultimate downfall and the collapse of the Empire. You’d think something that big would be able to be sensed by a Sith Lord born with the power to see the future. No, I’m definitely not going to give you the Force being able to sense Unicron coming. It doesn’t fit in at all with the way Vader’s powers have worked with robots in the movies. I say there’s a very large possibility that Unicron could sneak up on Vader.
January 13th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
And counter-point.
It’s entirely possible that Vader *did* sense R2 and 3PO, but was a bit more concerned with the presence of Obi Wan. As a matter of fact, if you want to *really* retrofit the whole thing, maybe the first thing he sensed was 3PO who wasn’t trying to hide himself, and then when he reached out a bit further was able to sense Obi Wan who *was* actively trying to hide himself.
Regardless, Vader not being able to sense a droid that used to be a personal friend is completely different from the Emperor not sensing a planet-sized piece of mechanical might trudging its way towards the destruction of himself and his plans. Palpatine could sense Skywalker and his friends on the moon of Endor - I’m sure he’d feel a slight tremble at the approach of Unicron.
The exhaust port I was talking about, by the way, was the one on the first Death Star that Luke had to hit with the proton torpedoes. I never said anything about being able to fly down it.
January 14th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Paragraph 1:
This paragraph of your argument works very well in my favor because even if I totally concede your point, I’m still right. That’s how awesome I am. Let’s say I give you the “Vader had better things to do on the Death Star” argument. That still doesn’t explain what happened in the opening scene of the movie. Obi-Wan wasn’t on Leia’s ship. The droids were. What’s the explanation? Too concerned over finding the Death Star plans? Too concerned over meeting his daughter WHOM HE ALSO COULD NOT SENSE FOR SOME REASON? Had to go potty real bad? What’s Vader’s excuse this time?
Paragraph 2:
Completely different? Why, because Unicron is planet-sized? No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned. Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? And well you should not. That is why you fail.
Paragraph 3:
Again, what the hell are you talking about? I never said anything about anybody flying down an exhaust port. I agreed with you. Take your Ritalin.
January 14th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I’m guessing Vader never “sensed” C-3PO at the beginning of a New Hope because Lucas didn’t conceive the notion of Anakin creating C-3PO until he began work on the prequels. Thanks George for adding another ridiculous plot point to fuck up the continuity between the two trilogies.
I see the battle between the death star and unicron going down like this:
Imperial Trooper: Sir, we have a massive planet of unknown origin approaching at an unprecedented speed.
Govern Tarkin: You may fire when ready.
Imperial Trooper: Sir, We Missed!!!
Govern Tarkin: Whose on fire control?!! A bunch of Storm Troopers!!
Unicron: That little speck of dust just shot at me. For a time, I considered sparing the insignificant crumb, now you will witness it’s dismemberment!!!
Govern Tarkin: Fire again!!!
Imperial Trooper: Too late. It’s already closed the distance and is going to swallow us!!!
Govern Tarkin: I’ve always loved you.
Imperial Trooper: And I you.
BOOOM!!!!!!!
Both “planets” explode as one of Unicron’s tooth punctures the highly unstable reactor core of the Death Star.
End of battle.
January 14th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Again, I think Unicron could take it. If you remember, the Autobots tried to blow Unicron up by detonating Moonbase 2 while it was already partially inside his maw, and he wasn’t even dented by the explosion. I’m not saying he wouldn’t take some damage from the reactor core explosion, but I seriously doubt it would be enough to disable him, and it most certainly wouldn’t destroy him.
January 14th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Let’s face it. The autobots were not know for their offensive firepower.
Also, the Death Star Reactor core is packing enough power to annihilate a planet without breaking a sweat. (At least apparantly so. It’s really hard to tell from the movies). That’s some serious energy on tap and I speculate probably way more power than that possessed by the autobot moonbase’s self destruct device.
All postulating aside though, I personally think it comes down this:
If Unicron can reach the Death Star before it has a chance to fire it’s main gun, then he’ll win.
If the Death star has a chance to get a shot off, there’s a good chance it could win.
Either way, the end comes quickly for the loser.
Now, if the Death Star could actually transform into a giant freakin Sith Lord with an equally giant lightsaber and the power of the force at it’s disposal, I’d be more inclined to side with the Death Star. After all, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the force
January 14th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Quoting you: “I’ll give you the exhaust port thing; the only reason they could fly spaceships into the second Death Star is that, like you said, it was incomplete.” I never said anything about anyone flying down anything on the second Death Star, except that it didn’t have the flaw that the first one did. That business aside…
Since we’re embracing retcon, instead of saying “Lucas didn’t think of it when he wrote Ep4″, I’d say that he never knew that Leia was his daughter and never had any reason to suspect it. It’s very likely that he sensed R2 and 3PO on the ship - it was a government ship and droids are frequently reassigned and wiped. In Vader’s job detail he’s probably run into a lot of people from his past life that he completely ignores because he’s no longer Anakin.
Yoda’s Coda aside, yeah, it’s a pretty significant difference between picking up an object with the force (where size probably doesn’t matter as much) and detecting an incoming planet bent on destruction - I’d say that Unicron even entering into the Outter Rim would set off warning bells in every force aware creature all the way to the Core.
All said, I’d say Dan pegged it - if Unicron can get close enough (like during a time when neither Vader nor Palpatine are there) then it’s a done deal. If the Death Star can get a few shots off, he’d be toast. Especially considering that Unicron is miniscule compared to the Earth’s Moon (according to the picture above) which I don’t think the Death Star would have any trouble obliterating.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Let me clarify - I am not embracing retcon. I do not embrace retcon. I’ve only argued, and will continue to argue, exclusively based on things that I have seen in the movies. Things like Vader’s apparent lack of Force mastery.
Vader’s use of the Force to manipulate physical objects is obviously superb; the guy can look a viewscreen and strangle someone on the other end somewhere in outer space. He’s got it going on in the telekinesis department, and I will never dispute that. But his Force senses are unreliable at best. How else would he not know his own daughter, his old droids, his own son (the Emperor had to tell him Luke was his), and the fact that they were all in cahoots and setting him up for a big, big fall. That’s some mighty big shit to be missed repeatedly. Especially by someone who, for all intents, is supposed to be a very powerful psychic. Either Vader is not up to snuff, or the Force is not all it could be when it comes to clairvoyance. Either way, it bodes well for Unicron having a good meal.
I agree that the Death Star’s superlaser could destroy Unicron. But I don’t think it would get the chance. Going back to The Transformers: The Movie, we see that Unicron not only has some form of far seeing, but that, unlike the Force, it is VERY accurate and can be focused very specifically. Unlike the Force, which gives feelings and glimpses and unreliable visions of the ever-changing future, Unicron can literally see for trillions of miles. He witnesses the death of Optimus Prime and the passing of the Autobot Matrix Of Leadership to Ultra Magnus on Earth. He saw these things from the vicinity of Cybertron; he’s never anywhere near Earth. I think it would be a small thing for him to take a look and see which way the Death Star is pointed so he could sneak up behind.
January 15th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Reading over our discussion, it occurs to me that it is absolutely astounding that the three of us have ever gotten a woman naked. Its even more amazing that not only have each of us had multiple, quite lovely sexual partners, but we all have, in fact, managed to get a woman to marry us. How in the hell do you explain that?
January 15th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I personally rely on my devilish good looks and rapist wit.
Who started this whole argument in the first place and more importantly why? Those are the people I’m betting never got a woman naked
January 15th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
On the subject of Vader’s ability to see things, I don’t think it was ever stated that he was especially good at sensing the truth of things (the prequels even confirm that), just that he was very strong with fighting and using his anger to kick ass. He didn’t even realize how much he’d been played by Palpatine until the last minute. I still think that Unicron even coming close to the SW galaxy would have every force-aware creature on high alert. How far can he travel before he has to eat, and can he get any sustenance at all from a non-metalic planet? Seems to me that they’d be able to tell he was coming.
Now, as far as our personal lives are concerned…. Chris, I think your success has to do with your pick up lines. Granted, I’ve never been one to try it, but apparently you’ve had 100% success with:
“Hey, Babe, does this smell like chloroform to you?“
January 15th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
HOLY SHIT! Why didn’t I think of that?! I’ll totally give you the point about Unicron’s fuel needs. I didn’t think about it from that angle. Unicron can and does eat non-metallic matter; Lithone and both of Cybertron’s moons were rocky celestial bodies, not metallic ones, and he ate all three of them. Cybertron was the only metallic planet he encountered, and he was so pissed off at Galvatron’s treachery that he didn’t even try to eat it. He wanted to make Galvatron watch as he ripped the TransFormers’ home world apart with his bare hands.
Unicron himself I still contend would not raise too many alerts, Force based or otherwise. He seems to have some way of masking his presence, although how he does so is never explained. But Unicron eating a planet full of people would DEFINITELY be felt by the Force sensitive. I don’t know why I never thought of that! When the Death Star blew up Alderaan, Obi-Wan not only felt it, he physically reeled from the impact of those deaths. Unicron eating a planet may not kill it’s inhabitants quite as quickly as the Death Star’s superlaser did, but I can’t imagine it wouldn’t have a similar effect on the Force. Even someone who’s Force senses are as unreliable as Vader’s should be able to feel that. Now that we can be reasonably sure the Sith would have a sort of warning system to alert them about Unicron (assuming he would at some point eat a planet with a significant population), this potential battle just got a whole lot more interesting…
As far as who actually started this Unicron vs. Death Star thing, I doubt we’ll ever know. I can’t even find a specific date when the first thread was started, although I have only been researching it for a couple of hours. The earliest solid date I can get is a posting from 2000, which you can see here. However I have seen references to this being an older usenet discussion/flame war topic. It is also referenced in an entry on the Transformers Purity Test, which means the argument probably dates from at least 1998 (although I have not been able to find an original version of that document to verify this). I’m guessing this has been around since the mid-nineties, roughly the same time the internet became semi-ubiquitous in homes in the Unites States. This is a very old debate.
January 15th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
In the course of my research today I have found some pretty funny quotes regarding TransFormers/Star Wars fandom. Check ‘em out:
“Unicron would demolish the deathstar soley because of the fact that he is a transformer. and transformers are badasses. they are such badasses that the imperial army would just not be able to withstand it.”
- subhuman, pop-arena.com
“There has never been a Star Wars fan who didn’t also nurture a single boner for the Transformers. A mash-up between both franchises was inevitable. But I never dared to hope for a Hasbro Star Wars/Transformers action figure like this: Darth Vader, changing into the Death Star, Unicron-style.”
- AMC’s SciFi Scanner
“…typically the female “egg is seen as large and passive,” that is, coded in feminine terms. The male sperm is coded as masculine, as “streamlined and invariably active.” The female reproductive system is described in terms that underscore the idea of women as lazy, sedentary, and wasteful—as just waiting, in contrast to those marvelous, energetic, active little sperm eagerly moving along doing their important thing… it is also metaphorically in the famous scene in the original Star Wars (1977), in which the teeny, tiny airplanes attack a single, fat, ovum-shaped Death Star. The image is repeated in the final scenes of Independence Day (1996), in which tiny planes all engage in the attack on a giant enemy spaceship, until one tiny plane penetrates the interior and explodes.”
- Lissa Paul
Well! Certainly sounds like someone’s on the rag. Awww, sweetheart, did those big, bad man-movies hurt your widdle feminine feelings? Imagine, someone having the nerve, the audacity, the unmitigated gall to DARE to “code” an egg as feminine and a sperm as masculine! Outrageous! Preposterous! Unheard-of!
You know what I saw when I watched Independence Day? A big, round invader, violently penetrating our solar system against our will, thrusting past our defenses and spewing forth millions of little swarming alien ships, each shooting what appeared to be globs of glowing sperm. All so they could conquer and defile the natural beauty of that single, fat, ovum-shaped planet Earth. You see, the aliens were the evil masculine force, and the Earth was the noble, helpless woman being raped. But while they may have unforgivably violated us with their overpowering physical assault, they could never destroy our spirit. Because we are children of the Earth, and she is femininely strong and righteous in all ways, we were able fight back and stand proudly on our feet again. Yay! Grrl power rulez!
See, darlin’, bullshitting completely fabricated nonsense to promote any point of view, no matter how idiotic, is easy. Anybody can do it. Maybe instead of crying about how bad women have it, you should use that time to do what I like to call a little SCIENTIFIC FUCKING RESEARCH before you write your next paper. Airplanes can’t fly in space, honey, and even if they could, there isn’t a single one of them anywhere in Star Wars. Also, if your eggs are shaped like any of the spacecraft from Independence Day you need to step back from your keyboard and get your ass to a doctor ASAP. Unless your ovaries are dispensing some kind of hitherto unseen mutant/alien eggs, there’s nothing fucking “ovum-shaped” about those things. Drop your martyr complex and pick up a DVD, cupcake. You’ll sound a lot less stupid when you speak to people who know about the sci-fi films you reference. You know, like us men.
Hugs and kisses,
Chris “I Have Testicles And You Don’t, So Fuck You” Woodall
January 17th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Hmmm….I got a bad feeling about this……
http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2008-01-16-x-files_N.htm
January 17th, 2008 at 11:09 am
I am not a fan of Gillian's hair in this shot. She had very beautiful, very sexy hair in the series and movie, and it's not either of those things when its flattened down like this. This look wasn't hot back in 1967 when a million hippie chicks were doing it, and its still not hot today. It makes her look like that old black-clad farmer woman in that painting where that semi-Amish looking dude is holding a pitchfork. You know the one.
Besides that, though, there's not a lot in the article to make me lean one way or another about this movie. There's just not a lot of info. The guy who wrote the piece was right, though; by and large the stand alone episodes were often more appealing than the mythology ones, especially in the later seasons. I absolutely LOVED the mythology, but there came a point where a single mythology episode could be so packed with info that if you missed it, the ones after made little sense. That happened to me more than once and it was a real turn-off.
I love the fact that this movie will be shipper friendly. That should make Mrs. X a very happy camper.
January 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am
WAY, WAY LAME!!!!!!
January 17th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
You’re not the only one who thinks this is lame as hell. J. Michael Straczynski, the co-writer of the “Spider-Man: One More Day” project is the awesome, AWESOME writer behind the best episodes of The Real Ghostbusters, He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, Jayce And The Wheeled Warriors, The New Twilight Zone, and was the creator, executive producer and head writer for Babylon 5 and its spin-off Crusade. He wrote 91 out of Babylon 5’s 110 episodes, as well as the pilot and five television movies. He had this to say about “One More Day”:
“… there’s a lot that I don’t agree with, and I made this very clear to everybody within shouting distance at Marvel, especially Joe Quesada… there was a point where I made the decision, and told Joe, that I was going to take my name off the last two issues of the OMD arc. Eventually Joe talked me out of that decision because at the end of the day, I don’t want to sabotage Joe or Marvel, and I have a lot of respect for both of those.”
Even the co-writer knew the story was crap. They had to beg him not to take his name off of the project because they knew it would ultimately cause a loss of sales. Fans of Straczynski like myself would have abandoned those last two issues if his name weren’t on them. In the end, I think Quesada and Marvel wanted Straczynski’s name on those issues because they too knew it was garbage and would be unsellable otherwise. Look at what others had to say about it:
“… undoubtedly the worst comic Marvel published in 2007… deus ex machina of the highest order… infuriating and downright disrespectful to anyone who has come to love Spider-Man comics over the years.”
- IGN reviewer Jesse Schedeen on Amazing Spider-Man #545
“… flip, weightless, and painfully brief”
- IGN reviewer Bryan Joel on Amazing Spider-Man #545
“… could prove to be the best example of editorial influence gone horribly, horribly wrong… in trying to preserve the appeal of Peter Parker, Joe Quesada has actually managed to fundamentally undermine the character.”
- IGN reviewer Richard George on Amazing Spider-Man #545
“… you can feel editorial mandate dripping from this… utterly ridiculous”
- Newsarama
“selfish and childish… a big middle finger to the idea of marriage in comics… As it stands, Peter, MJ, May… and the readers… all got a raw deal.”
- Troy Brownfield, Newsarama
“… the entire set up and execution just doesn’t make sense… the biggest cheat since ‘Dallas’ when J.R. getting shot was all a dream”
- Wizard magazine
January 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I’m sorry, but were I in Straczynski’s shoes I sure as hell would not have put my name on something I was so against. Why’d he even bother voicing his dissent if he was going to pull a sell out move like this?
January 17th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Despite the fact that the perpetually ill-informed pop culture reviewer Craig at puntabulous.com may be the single worst movie critic I have ever read, he does host a fairly amusing little Unicron vs. the Death Star comic. It even has a sequel. Check it out:
PUNTABULOUS DEATH MATCH
January 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
DanM - I think you’d keep your name on it if you were thinking about the future. Straczynski knows the comics industry. He knows that Marvel is run by a bunch of very childish people who regularly engage in petty bickering and public tantrums. By not pulling his name off the comic he gets to placate the overinflated egos and immature crybabies who run Marvel, which means that he has more opportunities to write for Marvel in the future (I listed only his television credits above, but Straczynski is a huge comic book fan and has written a TON of comics). Voicing his dissent like this gets him the best of both worlds. He gets to keep his name on the OMD books (and keep the writing royalties) as well as tell his fans that he recognizes this very unpopular story as crap that he is not responsible for. I don’t think this was a sell out. I think this was a way of pulling his name off the books without actually having to pull his name off the books. It was a two-way win for him.
January 17th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Uh oh, does this have to do with my negative Blade Runner review? Where’s the love?
January 17th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
The problem with that is, by stroking the egos of the Marvel execs, he is validating and perpetuating their cycle of bullshit.
Given his level of notoriety and influence in the comic book world, I seriously doubt pulling his name off two comics would have hurt his chances of writing for Marvel; nor, given the extreme unpopularity of the story, hurt his royalty checks in any significant way.
I’m sorry. What you consider a two way win, I still consider a sell out. He’s making money off of something he’s never supported yet validated by signing his name too. At the very least it’s a glaring example of hypocrisy.
January 17th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Craig - First of all, thanks for dropping by. We’re always glad to see new faces around here. Although we’re not really seeing your face, and you technically didn’t “drop by” since using the internet doesn’t require one to move. But you know what I mean.
Secondly, do you really need to ask?
OF COURSE IT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR NEGATIVE BLADE RUNNER REVIEW. And with your negative AvP:R review. And your inexplicably positive TransFormers review. You seem like a reasonably intelligent guy, but I find you to be irritatingly inconsistent. How the FUCK can you possibly say the first AvP movie was enjoyable, but Requiem was the “worst movie ever made?” You make no sense at all, and you’re hurting my brain. I’m begging you to stop.
You think Blade Runner sucks, and your explanations seem to point out how you completely missed everything single thing about the movie that makes it tick. You say you are smart and that you got the point of the movie, then proceed to show us how you did not in the slightest get any of the numerous points of the movie.
And that would be fine. If you’d just left it at that, I could write you off as one of the millions of internet idiots who believe themselves to be far more intelligent than they are, and I would never bother with your site again. But then you go and write some really funny, often wonderfully perceptive pieces like your review of Mirrormask, where you just repeat “Crap.” twenty-six times. Or “CHOOSING YOUR CRAPPY MINIONS”, where you examine who sucks more, Stormtroopers or Uruk-Hai. That’s good stuff, man. “Puntabulous Guide to Useless Characters” was a riot, and when I first read how you thought that Superman Returns was underrated and was, in fact, better than the Christopher Reeves movies, it occurred to me that I was finally reading the first review of that movie by someone who fucking got it. I was so pleased. Then you come at me with this “Blade Runner and AvP:R sucked” nonsense, and I don’t know where the fuck you’re coming from. You’re all over the place, man.
I guess when you boil it all down, what I’m looking for is a little consistency. I know what you put on your website is your own business, but if I could just rely on your reviews to either suck or be great, that would really be a time saver. I understand that they can’t all be awesome all of the time, but sweet Jesus dig a little deeper. AvP:R was amazingly well done, especially considering how the story was left in AvP. Not only that, but it functioned equally well as a direct sequel to Predator 2. It incorporated all the nonsense of AvP without trampling all over the story set up by the first six of those movies. That’s pretty goddamned hard to pull off, and they pulled it off very well. “Worst movie ever made”? Have you lost your damn mind?
Like I said before, you seem fairly bright, and the fact that you would come here and post shows you’ve got a good sense of humor about all of this. But your taste is utterly inexplicable. I don’t get you at all.
January 17th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Sweet god almighty, this is the new best thing in the universe:
Renaldo Lapuz - “We’re Brothers Forever”
January 17th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Here’s a new line I’m going to incorporate into my day to day conversation whenever I find something I don’t like…unfortunately, the suffer from what I like to call the “Kate Moss, Heather Mills McCartney, and post-2000 Muhammad Ali Syndrome.” In other words, they’re flat, lame, and they pack no punch.
I think this is funny…
I also love this guy…we are all brothers until the time!
January 17th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
In my previous post there should be a word (jokes) after the unfortunately.
Mark
January 17th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Wow Chris, that was quite a response. I think there is only one way to reply to something like that:
Stardust was the best movie of 2007
Spiderman 1 and 3 were pieces of shit. 2 was okay.
Brokeback Mountain was gay.
I own Catwoman on DVD.
Batman Begins is hands down the best comic book movie ever made.
I think a Justice League movie is a bad idea while there are still viable Batman and Superman franchises in production.
Jurassic Park is the best movie ever made.
Tarzan is the best traditional animation Disney movie.
The new Battlestar Galactica is the pinnacle of science fiction. (except the Black Market and Woman King episodes)
Alias is the best TV show in recent history.
Oh yeah, and Blade Runner and AVPR suuuuuuucked.
January 17th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Oh, yeah, Craig, one more thing about you that pisses me off: you’ve seen the new Bionic Woman. I haven’t seen any of it. None. I don’t even care if it sucks, I just want to fucking see it, just once. I think that you should be disallowed to speak of it further until I have had a chance to see at least 15 minutes of footage. That’s all I’m saying. Now let’s examine what you just posted.
Stardust was the best movie of 2007
Didn’t see it.
Spiderman 1 and 3 were pieces of shit. 2 was okay.
You’re fucking nuts. Spider-Man was a fantastic movie. Spider-Man 3, on the other hand, was so incredibly bad I think you are soiling the good name of ’shit’ by comparing the two. More of my thoughts on that here.
Brokeback Mountain was gay.
I’ll take your word for it. You’re the expert.
I own Catwoman on DVD.
Suddenly many of your crazier comments are starting to make much more sense…
Batman Begins is hands down the best comic book movie ever made.
I’d have a hard time arguing with you on this one.
I think a Justice League movie is a bad idea while there are still viable Batman and Superman franchises in production.
I agree. More on that here.
Jurassic Park is the best movie ever made.
I can’t tell if you’re joking. For your sake I hope you’re joking. Mother of god, tell me you’re joking. Don’t get me wrong, I liked Jurassic Park. But if you really believe this, you can’t have seen too many movies.
Tarzan is the best traditional animation Disney movie.
I can’t comment, I don’t remember much of it. CHRIS TRIVIA: Disney’s Tarzan is the only movie I have ever seen in a theatre in another country.
The new Battlestar Galactica is the pinnacle of science fiction. (except the Black Market and Woman King episodes)
Pinnacle of television science fiction, maybe. There have been very, very few sci-fi series as good as BG.
Alias is the best TV show in recent history.
Define “recent history.” Actually, don’t bother. I’ve never seen a single episode, but I have a feeling I’d disagree with you if I did.
Oh yeah, and Blade Runner and AVPR suuuuuuucked.
This from the guy who owns Catwoman. Opinion noted. And rejected.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Sorry I haven’t been around in any of these discussions, I haven’t been feeling well as of late….bad cough. I did see the USA Today article about X-Files2. Trust me when I was unpacking the mail here at work and saw Gillian and David on the front page it was all I could do to not squeal with delight. I agree with you on Gillian’s look somewhat Chris, I liked her better with the short hair. Although I will say that it looks like CC forced her to eat a sandwhich or two before getting on camera. She looks a lot healthier and less emaciated in the pics for the new movie than she has lately.
I’m excited about the shippiness to a point. It seems like CC is going to go back to the sexual tension that pretty much surrounded them the whole show, at least until seasons 7-9. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining I would rather have some than none, but it is gonna irritate me if he acts like William never happened and the end of the final episode where they are on the bed together never happend, and all of the other major shippy stuff that happened between seasons 7-9 which made it obvious that M & S were together.
That’s why I’m still skeptical about the movie. From the USA Today interview it almost sounds like CC is just going to act like everything between seasons 7-9 never happened. I understand he wants to bring new fans into the X-Files fold, but he better be careful because he could easily piss of the die hards and long time fans, which would make filiming a 3rd movie dificult.
That American Idol thing was hillarious. Mr. X and I were watching it when it aired and I about fell off the couch laughing. Unfortunately Mr. X has now been singing the song I am your brother for 3 days straight.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Click the link below to see a picture of the Enterprise and the cast for the new Star Trek Movie:
http://movies.aol.com/movie-photo/star-trek-new-enterprise-cast-photos
January 18th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to post today, but since DanM posted that link I forgotten everything that I wanted to say. I’ve been unable to do anything for the past two hours other than get my Trek on. I’ve been looking up anything and everything I can find about the new movie, which isn’t too much, unfortunately. But I did steal the pic of the Enterprise from Dan’s link, which I will host here forever and ever. Plus I got this cool black logo thing I screen-capped from the official movie site that has absolutely nothing on it whatsoever. I have fantasies about the day my boss finally gets pissed enough to ask me if I think I get paid to play around on the internet all day. Because of days like this I’ll be able to truthfully say to him “Yes, you’ve been paying me quite generously to do exactly that for the last few years now. The Sci-Fi Guys is made possible, in part, by contributions from viewers like you. Thank you for your support.”
This is the only actual image file available at the movie website. The big one above was a screen capture of a Flash animation. This smaller one is the .jpg you get when registering. Click the pic for a Sci-Fi-Guys.com Exclusive, a 1024×768 wallpaper of the crystal USS Enterprise ship insignia seen above.
This is the pic, and it is BEAUTIFUL. Shows construction being performed on the original USS Enterprise. Its weird how much seeing just this one image makes me think this movie is going to be something very special, something that Star Trek fans have been waiting on for a long time. A return to Star Trek being a big deal. A return to Star Trek placed in the hands of people who love it, and will do good things with it. Jesus, I can’t wait ’til Christmas.
January 18th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I remembered one of the things I wanted to post. This is for Mrs. X. Somewhere out there in Internet Cyberville, there is a mad genius who decided to animate a Super Mario Bros. cartoon in the style of old Soviet propaganda posters. It even has a soundtrack by the Russian Red Army Choir. This is AWESOME. Almost makes me want to learn how to use Flash. Click the pic to check it out.
January 19th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Gotta chime in here and say that, no, Spiderman was not a fantastic movie. I thought the first one was an over-hyped cartoon that took itself too seriously and was entirely formulaic, the second one was essentially more of the same - and considering how lowly I see the first two (and how highly everyone sees them), if the public can’t stand part three, I know I’d better avoid it like the clap.
January 23rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
So is this going to change the release of The Dark Knight?
January 24th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Damn, Jack Nicholson was not happy about Heath Ledger being the Joker. I hadn’t heard this before. To be honest with you, I don’t usually give a damn about what MTV has to say about anything, because MTV not only represents, but often openly glorifies, every single thing that’s soulless and wrong with the entertainment industry whores who have all but buried music and/or young adult television as a viable medium. However, when it’s MTV and Jack Nicholson speaking, its hard not to lend an ear.
Take this interview with a grain of salt. Scratch that, this is MTV; take it with a fucking handful of salt. MTV and Rolling Stone magazine have been known to “edit” their interviews so unscrupulously that often the intent of the interviewee’s answers are complete slanted in directions they never intended. Then again, this does sound like shit Jack Nicholson might actually say. Trust this at your own risk. You have been warned.
I guess I can see where Jack’s coming from. If it weren’t for he, Tim Burton and Micheal Keaton knocking one out of the park in 1989, there would be no new Batman movies. But I think he needs to back off. The man is 70 years old. Does he seriously think he can believably compete in a comic book/action movie role as the main opponent against a highly trained martial artist? Jesus Chris, he’s in terrible shape. He’d kill himself. Much love to Jack, and I am sincerely a big fan, but him being the Joker at his age is just not realistic. I’m afraid it would come off as more laughable than menacing, and that’s not what you want in a good homicidal maniac.
I’ve heard a lot of bellyaching about Heath Ledger being the Joker, and now that he’s dead I’m sure I’ll hear a lot of back-stepping and faux “respect for the dead” nonsense. While I always wish condolences to anyone who is personally grieving over the loss of someone close, the philosophy here at The Sci-Fi Guys has always been “Don’t bullshit the audience.” I’m not going to do the standard “oh, it’s so tragic he’s dead” routine that most people started pumping out the minute the news broke. I did not know the man, nor was I a fan. I just haven’t seen enough of his work to know if he was any good. I saw Patriot and immediately forgot everything about it, because I liked it so much better the first time I saw it when there were more sword fights and it was called Braveheart. A Knight’s Tale was a blast, but that didn’t have a lot to do with Ledger. That was just a well put together, funny movie, and I think it would have worked just as well with pretty much anyone age/size appropriate in the role (sorry again, Jack). I don’t have any opinion of Heath Ledger one way or another. Personally, I like what I’ve seen so far of Dark Knight, and I won’t at all be surprised if he pulled off his role as the Joker very nicely. I’m looking forward to seeing what he did with the role. I expect that I will be entertained.
Heathcliff Andrew Ledger
April 4, 1979 – January 22, 2008
January 24th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Long Live Jack as the Joker! I think it’s great that he said the reason he wanted to play it is because he actually grew up with it, I took that to meant he actaully read the comics and kinda understood the Joker. I also agree with his assesment of Tim Burton and the fact that once he left they did run Batman into the ground. To tell you the truth I tried to watch Batman Begins the other night and just couldn’t get into it. I was actually kind bored in many parts and I could not stand to watch Katie Holmes.
It always pissed me off that Burton killed the Joker off at the end of Batman, but I thought Jack did a great job. Just the right mix of humor and being a psychotic cold blooded killer. Everytime I watch Burton’s Batman it feels like Nicholson really got into the part he just wasn’t doing it for a pay check. I was and still am prepared to hate Ledger’s Joker so I guess I’m not really upset that he isn’t gonna reprise the roll any time soon……..sorry if that sounds too mean.
January 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I really think you should give Batman Begins another try, hon. Yeah, the movies without Burton sucked (and sucked HARD), but Batman Begins was the erasure of all the crap that came before. Plus it introduced Ra’s Al-Ghul into Batman’s early story, which is where he works best. I hope he’s a long running villain like in the comics, because he’s great when used well. The only real complaint I have with that movie is the scene where Bruce Wayne’s parents are shot. Where in the hell are you gonna find an alley that well lit? That scene should have been as dark and gritty as Tim Burton made it in 1989. It worked very, very well that way. Batman looks best when his life has a lot of shadow and grime all over it. Too much light and things start to get stupid.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Sorry, by the way, about editing my post for so long. I was in the middle of it and realized I had some pics that would be nice to include. Mrs. X beat me to the punch with her quick reply. I can’t post pics in comments quickly because I’m a full bore re-re. Refresh your browser and it should load the pictures as well as the rest of my thoughts on Jack vs. Heath.
January 24th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Soundwave: The Touch. Things like this are why I bother to keep waking up in the morning. This is more entertaining than Michael Bay’s TransFormers any day. I can’t wait ’til the next time someone pisses me off so I can unleash some “Operation: Shut The Fuck Up” on them. Genius.
January 25th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
HIDDEN!
Artist: David Bowie
Album: Space Oddity, 1969
HIDDEN!
January 25th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
That’s rather frightening.
January 25th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
You mean Soundwave or David Bowie? Or Jack Nicholson? Or Renaldo Lapuz? Or R2-KT, the pink, female astromech droid? Or Caesar Romero, if you’ve been particularly click savvy? There’s an unusually large number of different things on this page that could cause that reaction.