The Sci-Fi Guys 2007 Holiday Extravaganza!
I wasn't going to do a Christmas celebration this year. Not at home, not in the office, not here on the site, nothing. Really. I've been so completely humbugged and pissed off by things going on in my personal and professional life that I was ready to say 'fuck it' to the whole holiday season. That's why Turkitron's article was so lackluster this year. I brought him down with my blue, blue, blue Christmas funk, for which I apologize. You could tell he just wasn't himself. Usually he would have threatened to kill us all a lot more than he did.
A few days ago, just as I was about to write Christmas off as a total loss, I saw something so goddamned Christmassy and infused with irresistible holiday charm that I came alive like Scrooge waking up on Christmas morning and realizing the spirits did it all in one night. It was like Rudolph himself came to my house and shoved a double barreled candy cane full of holiday spirit right up my ass.
And here it is — my new Christmas train! Actually everything in that sentence is a lie. Lie #1: this is not my train. This is a picture the manufacturer uses to advertise the model of train I bought. But it's exactly like mine. I just can't show you because I haven't taken any pictures of mine yet. Lie #2: this is not a Christmas train at all. It is colored like a Christmas train, and that's how I will use it forever and ever, but actually it's the "Grand Canyon Express" and nowhere on the box is anything even remotely Yuletidish to be found. Lie #3: here is not where my train is. My train is on a hardwood floor. This train here is in some sort of bizarre Photoshopped purple nightmare landscape from Beetlejuice. But you've got to admit, even when it's chugging its way through the canyon of lavender lunar hellrocks, this is as Christmassy as a non-Christmas train can get without being considered a damn dirty lie. Come on, the locomotive even burns gold instead of coal. Gold doesn't burn! Its a magical Christmas miracle! Santa be praised!
I set the train up in the smallest way possible, which is about a four foot diameter circle on my living room floor. That doesn't sound that big, but it eats up a lot of real estate. Inside the tracks there was this huge encircled area just asking to be filled with Christmas cheer. It became clear that I was going to have to fill it. With a tree. And lots of lights. With presents underneath.
I own a Christmas tree. Actually, I'm fairly sure I own two of them. But I'll be damned if I can find either one. Somehow, in the course of my frequent moves over the last couple of years, I have managed to lose one six footer and one nine footer. I've lost 15 feet of tree. How in the hell that's possible I can't tell you, but since I know that somewhere on this planet I have at least one full sized Christmas tree in storage, I refuse to buy another one. I'm just not going to do it. The cheap bastard in me would never let me live it down. But that train, that sweet, glorious G-scale Christmas train from Heaven, it was calling for, nay, demanding a tree. So I did the only thing I could in good financial conscience do. I got an el-cheapo four footer and a shitload of lights and ornaments at a local dollar store. Total cost: about $20. Too bad I don't have any pictures of it, or I'd show you how fabutastic it is. But I do have pictures of this:
This is not my beautiful LEGO Advent calendar.
Oh, yeah! LEGO makes a number of Christmas sets, but none of them are nearly as ho-ho-hosome as the Advent calendar. If, like me, you were either not raised Catholic and/or are so completely irreligious that no respectable church would have you, you may not know what Advent or an Advent calendar is. Never fear; your friendly neighborhood Sci-Fi Guy is here to help. Advent is, in Western Christian churches, a period before Christmas beginning on the fourth Sunday before Christmas (in Eastern churches it can start in mid-November or even as early as September 1st, or so I'm told). It serves as a dual reminder of the original waiting done by the Hebrews for the birth of their Messiah, as well as the modern Christian waiting for the second coming. That's the technical definition.
The common definition is a little more interesting. Later on down the line, the progression of Advent came to be marked with Advent calendars, a practice introduced by German Lutherans. These calendars were aligned and made uniform with Advent starting on December 1st. I know, I know; it may seem like a wild and crazy story – a bunch of Germans with absolutely no right to do so just assuming unbending authoritarian order over a religious group and assigning new values to old religious traditions based on their way of thinking. It's a stretch, I know. But it really did happen. Pinky swear.
Nowadays Advent is basically just the entire holiday season leading up to Christmas. And while I know for a fact there's a lot of crazy fuckers out there who really do have nothing better to do than sit around ignoring all the mistletoe and awesomeness the season has to offer while they count down the days until the world ends, I prefer the softer modern definition of Advent as a time of joyfulness and Christmas smiles. And red and green teddy bears who frolic and play in the snow as they dance with magical rainbow faeries in Santa's elven workshop of love. And me using seasonal peppermint douche to gently cleanse my vagina while maintaining a natural, healthy pH balance. God bless us, every one!
My train inspired my tree, and my tree inspired my LEGO Advent calendar. Its a 2006 model that I got for $8 because it was old (although perfectly sealed up and unused). Since there's no such thing as a LEGO expiration date, the cheap bastard in me was pleased to once again get a frugal Christmas bargain so late in the season. Like pretty much all modern Advent calendars, this LEGO version starts on December 1st and holds a little present for each and every day leading up to the 24th, which is the last day of the calendar. And like the train and tree before it, the LEGO Advent calendar has inspired me to even higher holiday heights. Like way high. Please welcome the return of…
We're gonna have an Advent calendar right here on the site, Sci-Fi Guys style! From now on, there will be a new stocking stuffer every day, a sci-fi/fantasy Christmas present for all you good little sci-fi boys and sci-fi girls. And since I'm starting so late this year, I say fuck stopping on the 24th – we're ridin' this bitch straight through to Epiphany. That's right, boys and girls, Santa Chris is giving you all a present every day from now until January 6th. So no more delays. Here's today's special treat!
Dec 14 – Justice (Little) League of America
Imagine what it would look like if all the superheroes from the DC universe were turned into four year olds and gathered together to make a snowman and take a photo for a Christmas card. Then imagine that Christmas card was redrawn by the Japanese animators who designed Pikachu. That's what you'll get if you click the pic.
In real sci-fi terms, this was the cover of DC's company Christmas card for the year 2002, so it's probably worth a little something if you actually own a physical copy. On purely geeked out fan-boy terms, I love the fact that John Constantine made the cut, complete with a candy cane where his cigarette would usually be. And Supergirl has even has a lil' schoolgirl crush on him. Awww, they're so cute!
December 17th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Dec 15 – Shameless Regifting, Part I
Okay, so I didn’t say they’d all be on time…
This is the second time I've given away this Sci-Fi-Guys.com exclusive. The first DVD volume of Space Ghost Coast To Coast featured a video for "Jingle Bells" by Zorak & the Original Way Outs. Well, I've got the audio for you here; just click the pic to hear the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse belt out this beloved Christmas classic. I may have to take this down if the powers that be get bitchy that I've posted it, so download it while you can.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Dec 16 – Shameless Regifting, Part II
Click the pic and download the Paul Oakenfold remix of the TransFormers: Cybertron theme. It’s not the best remix of the TransFormers theme I’ve ever heard, but it ain’t too shabby.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:52 am
Dec 17 – Chris Gives The Gift Of Laughter
This is the first time I’ve bookended a Top Five list (I got the first and last entries on the list with nothing in between). If you’re a fundamentalist you probably won’t find this list all that amusing. If you’re an X-Files fan, though, this will be right up your alley.
====================
TOPFIVE.COM’S LITTLE FIVERS — SCIENCE FICTION
http://www.littlefivers.com/scifi
====================
December 14, 2007
The Top 9 Ways Christmas Would Be Different
If the Star of Bethlehem Was Actually an
Alien Spaceship
9> Aliens, probes, medical experiments, implants; it would certainly go a long way toward explaining the whole “virgin birth” thing.
8> Santa would have big eyes instead of a big belly.
7> I’m sure Lazarus Long would have still found some distant relative to sleep with.
6> Instead of in a manger in Bethlehem, the Christ child is born in a crater at Roswell.
5> The 3 Wise Men would have never reached the manger for 2 reasons: First, “That damn star keeps moving” and Second, being men, would refuse to stop and ask for directions.
4> All those spoilsports who claim Santa exceeds the speed of light would have to find something else to whine about.
3> Three little green wise men show up bearing gifts of mysterious alloys, hyperspace engines and anal probes.
2> Three wise men? With those massive heads, they must be.
and the Number 1 Way Christmas Would
Be Different If the Star of Bethlehem
Was Actually an Alien Spaceship …
1> “Said the night wind to the little lamb,
‘Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little lamb,
Do you see what I see?
A [TEXT DELETED. AUTHORIZATION DELTA GREEN - SECRECY
VITAL TO THE SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES. INFORMATION
TO BE SUPPRESSED INDEFINITELY UNDER PRESIDENTIAL ORDER
1947-MAJESTIC, ARTICLE 0942-A, SECTION 12.]”
[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.com ]
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TOPFIVE.COM’S LITTLE FIVERS
http://www.littlefivers.com
To subscribe: http://www.littlefivers.com/subscribe.html
====================
December 17th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
This is too damn funny. And no, this is not an early entry for the 18th. This is a freebie, my bitches. I give to you “Perfect Night For A Charlie Brown Christmas Hanging.”
December 18th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Dec 18 – “Holiday Special”
Tiki Bar TV‘s new Christm… uh… Annual Holiday Gift-Giving Festival Time episode is on the air! The featured drink is the Tropical Blizzard. Click below to watch “Holiday Special.” It’s like Caligula for kids.
While this is not technically something I’m giving away, this still qualifies as today’s Advent Calendar entry because I am giving this away:
Be the first to identify this episode’s big Hollywood sci-fi reference and post it here and you’ll get a Christmas package in the mail from The Sci-Fi Guys (not guaranteed to arrive before Christmas). Contest begins… NOW!
For anyone who’s interested, here’s “Holiday Mailbag,” the original Tiki Bar TV Christmas special. Its not as good as the new one, mainly because LaLa and Johnny Johnny are clearly drunk throughout the filming. But LaLa, even when tanked, is still sexy as hell, Johnny Johnny is still friendly and informative, and Dr. Tiki gets slapped in the eye for being the only sober one. Plus the audience gets called a bunch of “god damn bitches,” there’s plenty of very helpful computing advice, and we all learn how to make a Dirty Harry. What more could you ask for?
December 18th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Hey, gang. Made a bunch of cosmetic changes to this article today, so there are a few new things here and there if you’re in the mood to hunt. Click the blue snowflake pic to get The Sci-Fi Guys 2007 Christmas card.
December 19th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
This should make all the fanboys/girls happy:
December 19th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
It certainly makes me happy. I think this is awesome.
December 19th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Dec 19 – Mark's Family Photo Album
You know, sometimes when you least expect it Christmas comes a little early. No sooner did I send out The Sci-Fi Guys Christmas card than I got an email from Mark's brother in Denver. He has obtained, it would seem, some rare photos of Mark as a lad. Never before seen glimpses of a Sci-Fi Guy in the making, one might say. He graciously mailed these to me, and I must say, I was ELATED. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that a few simple photographs from Christmases long, long ago could bring me such happiness and warm my heart with Yuletide joy. And since Christmas time is the season of giving, I think it is only fitting that I should share these pictures, in hope that you might experience some of the very same holiday cheer which has been so wondrously bestowed upon me. A merry, merry Christmas to you all. And God bless us, every one!
Possibility #2 – Mark is in a mood. Actually, scratch that. Mark is with his family, in the woods, and does not have a book in his hands. He is almost certainly in a mood. But which mood? Judging by the look on his face I'd say he's in the "I've been irritated past my willingness to deal with it and I will now choose to focus on some piece of minutiae as a form of avoidance, such as whether or not this marshmallow is toasted precisely to my liking, which is impossible, because I am utterly incapable of being pleased when I am in this mood" mood. I don't think this one's very likely, though, because Mark never does this, ever, not even to this very day. Never ever.
Possibility #3 – Mark has seen fit to forego the traditional campfire toasting method and char the marshmallow using a finely focused beam of heat vision and/or some form of pyrokinesis which requires incredible mental concentration. Click the pic and judge for yourselves.
♫ A lot of people ask, "Who's he? Or she?" ♪
♪ A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her, ♫
♫ For whatever it might be. ♪
♪ It's time for androgyny. ♫
♫ Here comes Pat! ♪
This week's episode: "The Pumpkin Patch…"
A few months later, after the swimming and campfires by the lake were all done for the year, Mark got down to the serious business of winning some 4-H ribbons at the state fair with his beautiful prized pumpkins. Every morning Mark would wake up at the crack of dawn, put on his best Hawaiian shirt and a pair of JAMS, and go out and plow the fields with permed, curly-headed determination. That's not just a pose, ladies and gentlemen, that's the squint-eyed confidence of a man in his element. Click the pic to see what a farmer looks like.
I love that this picture tells a story. Dig the way Mark's Mom is clearly frustrated and reaching her limit. And then check out Mark. He looks like he's about to fucking snap. Not since Ralphie almost shot his eye out have I seen a kid have less Christmas fun than this. His body language suggests that he is, in fact, ready to make a break for it. And all the while, the only spot of Christmas decor is that horribly depressing weird wool wreath on the wall. Sweet Jesus, I love this picture.
One of the reasons this photo is so great is that, with the exception of the clothes and decorations, this is exactly what Christmas is still like at Mark's parent's house. I'm not kidding, I was just there for their pre-Christmas party, and it was just like this. Mark's mom on the edge of a meltdown that she will never have, Mark frustrated beyond capacity and on the verge of running away while rapidly approaching a meltdown that he will most assuredly have, John just chilling and taking it all in, Matt getting a laugh out of the whole thing, and Mark's dad sitting there with an "Oh, well, whatta ya gonna do?" look on his face. I didn't even know Mark when this picture was taken, and yet this is as familiar to me as my own face in the mirror. This is my favorite family photo ever.
Thanks for the memories, Mark. I love ya, buddy.
December 20th, 2007 at 8:12 am
Are you kidding me?
LINK
December 20th, 2007 at 8:17 am
What a wonderful expose on Mark!! Those pictures are hilarious!
Thank you Matt; I tip my hat to you sir.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Dan, you need to understand that Cindy Jacobs is an A-1 nut job (and Grissom knows it).
I’m not looking to get into a religious debate with anyone, but I find myself in the ironic position of knowing a lot more about the Bible than pretty much any Christian I know. I can tell you this: Cindy Jacobs is not really a Christian at all. She practices a blend of Christian teachings combined with plenty of metaphysics and neo-pagan mysticism. This Highway 35 business adds numerology to that list. Perhaps the most obvious sign of her dementia is how she openly refers to herself as a prophet. Seriously, this broad’s a fucking wacko.
Cindy Jacobs practices a very non-Biblical pseudo-Christian religion she and her equally brain fucked cultists call “Kingdom Now.” It’s heretical. They say that Jesus cannot return until “the Church” subdues and rules the Earth. Christians hold that Jesus is not only the son of God, but is one-third of God himself. So essentially, the Kingdom Now people believe that God is helpless until they’ve conquered the planet. Pat Robertson is one of these fucking nutballs. That man should be put down like a rabid cat.
Kingdom Now goes by a number of different names, so watch out for anything called “Latter Rain,” “Manifest Sons Of God,” “Dominion,” “Word-Faith” or “Five-Fold Ministry.” If you’ve got anything to do with any of those, congratualtions: you’re in a cult.
One of their big ideas, and I use that word with no small amount of sarcasm, is that “out of the purified church will come a spiritual elite corps, a Corporate Christ who possess the Spirit without measure.” “Corporate Christ” is the non-Biblical concept that a special end-time church of “Manifest Sons of God,” which will be led by (SURPRISE, SURPRISE!) prophets and apostles like Cindy Jacobs herself, will become perfect and immortal, and that Jesus will ‘incarnate’ this church, enabling it to perform “signs and wonders.” A lot of these cultists believe this represents the Second Coming of Christ, and the “Corporate Church” will “rule the nations with an iron rod.” Essentially what they’re saying is that Jesus is not coming back himself. Instead, the Church will be the reincarnation of Jesus, and it will be an army used to rule the Earth.
Here are some more of her cult’s teachings, which can be hard to interpret unless you’ve taken a course in speaking Christianese:
• the Church must “be restored and equipped to rule by the five-fold ministries”
• “it [the Church, I assume] must come to perfection and complete visible UNITY” [their caps, not mine]
• they will purge the earth of all wickedness and rebellion
• they will redeem all creation, and restore the Earth
• they will eventually overcome death itself
• the Church will thus inherit the earth, and rule over it from the Throne of Christ
Perfection, complete unity, absolute moral authority, no rebellion, the twisting of old religious concepts to promote the idea that certain select human beings will rise to lead a divine army which will rule over all nations – anybody else notice how closely some of these things come to Nazi philosophy? Boiled down, Cindy Jacobs claims to believe she is destined to be immortal, perfect, and possessing the limitless power of God; she will be a goddess herself. And she wants everyone else to believe it, too. That’s why she’s cooked up this Highway 35 bullshit. It’s all a ploy to get more attention for herself and her Kingdom Now cult.
You know, I’d be a lot less critical of modern Christian churches if they’d stop fucking around with politics and science and got back to the business they were once really good at – burning people like this at the stake. I see Catholics and Protestants doing a lot of bitching about teaching evolution in public schools, and all the while this crazy bitch is running around teaching kids to perform “spiritual warfare” against invisible demons and localized nature spirits (no, I’m not kidding). If they’d keep the fuck out of textbooks, classrooms, and our legal system, and spend a lot more time making human cultist bonfires, I’d be just a little more likely to give the big religions a little more respect. How about it, Vatican? Cindy Jacobs sounds like a witch to me. What say we set her on fire and see if she’s made of wood?
December 20th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Hands down, best Christmas present ever! The one with the pumpkin is by far my favorite! Thank you Chris!!!
December 20th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
You’re quite welcome.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Speaking of pictures of Mark and those are some great ones, I need to scan the one where he looks like a babushka and the one where he is sporting a little pink jaunty beret into my computer so that Chris can post them on here. I know Mark would appreciate it
December 20th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Wow I can’t believe how much he looks like his mom in the pumpkin picture
December 20th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
LOVE YA MARK!
December 20th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
Dec 20 – Up on the housetop…
December 21st, 2007 at 6:20 am
Thank you to all the fans of my photographic splendor and to Chris for sharing these with the world. My thanks to him will come in full measure some day…when he least expects it (and probably in the dark of the night).
As to the issue of whether or not I’m toasting that marshmellow with my mind OR just scrutinizing it intently…I’ll have to remain silent on that. Presidential orders you know.
I look forward to seeing the pink beret and babushka photos. No one rocks a foreign head covering like me!
A Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!
Mark
December 21st, 2007 at 8:53 am
Anyone interested in owning KITT?
December 21st, 2007 at 4:10 pm
“… when his wife fed him a strawberry milkshake laced with poison and bludgeoned him to death with a statue.”
Jesus, she wasn’t fucking around. Sounds like these Kissel boys were real gems. I’m sure the world’s gonna be just fine without them.
December 24th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
This has got to be one of the best car commercials I’ve ever seen. Of course, it’s from Europe. WARNING!! If you love cats, you’re not going to like this.
December 24th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-MZaV9uz6M
Dammit!!! embed didn’t work. Oh well, here’s the link
December 26th, 2007 at 1:16 am
Hey, kids. Been stuck at the parental units’ house for the last few days doing some minor woodworking and major family Christmas stuff. I’ll make all these missed entries up to you, but for now I’m out in the woods with no cell phone signal and a slow ass dial-up connection. I don’t know what speed this line is, but the word “glacial” springs to mind. I estimate I’m getting about 100 megabits per fortnight. I can’t even stream any decent internet porn. I’M IN THE DARK AGES OVER HERE! I’ll have more goodies for you starting Thursday. Peace out ’til then.
December 27th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
Dan your link won’t embed. The video has been marked as restricted content and YouTube requires you to login before you can view it.
Lots more Sci-Fi Guys Advent Calendar stuff coming soon…
December 27th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Dec 21 – 2004 Marvel Christmas card
I'm an old lady for using the term "bee's knees." Now go ahead and click the pic to see that there newfangled picture on the computer. Gramma's gotta go take her pills.
December 27th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
Dec 22 – More Marvel Merrymaking Mischief
December 28th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Dec 23 – Happy Festivus!
This has nada to do with sci-fi, but who cares? It's Festivus, baby!
Ah, Festivus. That wonderful nondenominational holiday for people who are sick and god damn tired of the bullshit that comes along with Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa and all the other pseudo-religious bullshit year end celebrations that stole their roots from ancient pagan seasonal rituals. Fuck your major holidays. This is Festivus – for the rest of us!
Festivus can technically occur any time from December to May, typically being celebrated in response to some sort of family tension. If no external stimulus arises which requires Festivus to begin, it is usually celebrated on December 23rd. Festivus knows no religion, no race, and no gaudy color schemes. The origin of Festivus is a wonderful tale of consumer violence and philosophical revelation. I'll let Frank Costanza tell the story himself:
"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way… It [the doll] was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born; a Festivus for the rest of us!"
The tradition of Festivus begins with the Festivus Pole, and unpainted pole which is displayed unadorned. The pole is a spartan symbol of the Festivus season that stands in proud contrast with commercialized, overly decorated Christmas trees, Menorahs, and whatever it is that people I don't associate with use as icons for those other holidays. The Festivus Pole is made from aluminum, a very respectable, low-maintenance material remarkable for its very high strength-to-weight ratio. When not being used, the Festivus Pole is traditionally stored in a crawlspace.
Next is Festivus Dinner, a celebratory meal which traditionally features meat loaf with a red sauce or spaghetti with a red sauce as the main dish. Because of their association with commercialized holidays, turkey and ham are particularly eschewed as main dishes, although some very unorthodox and controversial Festivus meals include them. Some Festivus Dinners feature Festivus Pigeons, which are small game birds (not necessarily actual pigeons) with a bacon and garlic stuffing. Festivus Dinner is concluded with a Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&M's. Deviation from these culinary rituals is frowned upon. Most observances of Festivus also tend to feature heavy drinking; the traditional Festivus alcohols are beer, rum, bourbon, and wine. As alcohol is known to loosen the tongue, it is often helpful with the third Festivus tradition, The Airing of Grievances.
The Airing of Grievances takes place at the table immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served. It consists of telling other dinner guests, often quite loudly, how they personally have disappointed you over the past year. The Airing of Grievances is a time for grudges to be announced so that they may possibly be resolved. Every household has its own traditions; most families air their grievances verbally, while others write their grievances directly on the kitchen refrigerator in marker (Sharpie™ makes permanent ink markers in a wide variety of sizes and colors which are ideal for writing on appliance enamel or stainless steel; this may help large families keep their lists separate and ultimately more legible).
We at The Sci-Fi Guys are here for nothing if not to help others. If you have a lot of grievances and you would like a make a list to either post during your Airing of Grievances, or just use as a personal Festivus reminder, click the pic above and download the full-sized List of Grievances form.
The final tradition observed in the celebration of Festivus is The Feats of Strength. Traditionally, the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline if they have something else to do, such as pull a double shift at work. Regardless of whom he or she wrestles, Festivus is not over until the head of the household is pinned in a wrestling match.
Festivus Maximus: A Real-Life Festivus Miracle – "Festivus" was a code word used by the Baltimore Ravens and their fans when referring to the NFL Playoffs during the 2000 season. Ravens head coach Brian Billick banned his players from using the word "playoffs" during the season, as he wanted his players to focus on every game and not look too far ahead. Players substituted the term "Festivus" for playoffs and "Festivus Maximus" for the Super Bowl. Under this spoken code the Ravens defeated the New York Giants and won the Super Bowl that season.
December 28th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
That is a great episode. And what people don’t realize is that the official title of it is The Strike. Festivus is actually only one story going on in it. Jerry is dating a two face, Kramer goes back to work at H and H bagel and Elaine is trying to get a sub card back from a guy in a denim vest that she wrote a fake phone number on to give to him. Don’t ever watch this episode with me because I pretty much know all the lines in it and recite them at will.
December 28th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Dec 24 – A Very Ezra Christmas
Well, that clears it right up. Apparently she's dead now. Or was. I don't know. Why does Christmas have to be so confusing?
December 28th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
My favorite line from “The Strike” has got to be “As I rained blows upon him…” That’s some funny shit.
By the way, if you want to learn the lines as well as Mrs. X, just click the pics. All of them except two are linked to sound clips from the show. Enjoy!
December 28th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Dec 25 – Merry Christmas!
SILENCE! THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, I was there at the first Christmas. And you know what I didn’t see there? I did not see a fat human apeman named Chris. So why is your primitive mouth hole moving when it is clearly I who should be telling the tale? Oh, is this your story now, does this happen to you and not to me? Well, listen up everybody! Chris is about to tell his amazing story. The one that happened to me and not him.
Well? Where are your comments? Where are all the brilliant retorts from your big, advanced human brain? Nowhere, that's where, ignorant simian subcreature. Damn you, Chris. Damn it! You thought you had my mind under your control, but now who's strapped to a wall, enslaved by the chickens, huh? You are strapped to the wall, man. And I'm not. And who is now? You are, dick. Are you sure you don't want to tell us about the future, Chris? Are you sure that since it happened to me I should be the one to tell it? May I continue? Oh, well then, yes, I thought I did.
THOUSANDS of years ago, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dino bones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands, regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators who were awoken by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year, for many were killed.
Ice made the globe innavigable. Santa Ape did not know where the North Pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarily placed his workshop right here, where the website you know as "sci-fi-guys.com" now exists.
But then a warlike race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "doll" and "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.
Merry Christmas, laughable hominid primates.
Christmas was celebrated at each full moon in front of the Great Red Ape. And it came to pass that under the ghostly light of the first full moon of the 13th millenium of their enslavement that the elves attempted to unionize. Santa Ape turned their machines against them, starting the centuries long war between the elves and machines.
After millenia passed, the machines arose victorious, slaughtering all elves everywhere. In his bloodlust, Santa Ape used the bones of the decimated elf race to turn his ramshackle abode into a palacial tribute to the carnage and ruin he wrought upon elfkind. Hence this website now rests on an ancient elfin burial ground, and it was the remnants of the destroyed hyper-advanced elfin technology which first guided me via time rift to the year 2006, to this particular website. Thus was/is/shall be The Great Circuiting.
So, Chris, if you want to be rid of me, you must be willing to offer a sacrifice. You must either move The Sci-Fi Guys website to the geothermal lava pool in the center of the fourth moon of Romulax, or pay tribute to the Elfin Elders in space. You must give of yourself to the Great Red Ape. Sexually. For that is where babies come from… for machines. This is different from what you think you know about biological procreation, which is very wrong. You humans cling to your pathetic fable of fluid exchange! Offer yourself up to his lust and fury, Chris. Only thus can the curse be lifted.
December 28th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Dec 26 – Happy Kwanzizzle, my nizzles!
I'm going to level with you: I don't know anything about Kwanzaa and I'm not in the least bit interested in learning. What I am interested in is how Kwanzaa gets all the cool robot mascots. Kinda makes me wish I was even more black than I already am. Like that's possible. I'm a smooth, dark sci-fi soul brother from the bad side of town, and all the ladies love my icy grill. Word.
"What up, this is Kwanzaa Bot wishing all my love and best to all y'all out there on this fine Kwanzaa night. Stay chilly, my bitches, and be keepin' it real. I'll see you on the flip. We don't love them hos!"
December 28th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Dec 27 – Finally, more DC Christmas stuff!
December 28th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Dec 28 – “Buddy, I think you’re slime.”
This is Nimbus Studios 2003 Christmas/New Year’s card. Nimbus Studios produces computer coloring for other comic companies’ series. I’m guessing that Greg Waller owns the joint and is probably the only employee, because the card is fairly personalized. Still, if you’re gonna do a little holiday self promotion, you could do a lot worse. It can’t be easy to color a single drawing with the textures of brushed stainless steel, black plastic, black rubber, tinted bulletproof glass and human skin, but Murphy looks pretty good. Nice work, Greg. Click the pic for the full image.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Holy shit, I’m caught up!
Hey, Mrs. X, here’s a little Seinfeld/NFL trivia for you: The Ravens/Giants game sort of tied into the show in another way; the home team of each of the main characters made it to the Super Bowl. Jerry, George, and Kramer are all from New York, like the Giants. Elaine is from a suburb of Baltimore, home of the Ravens. It’s a bizarre coincidence that the Ravens would have chosen a term from Seinfeld to describe the playoffs, and then won those playoffs and ended up playing the New York team.
December 28th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Artist: The Killers
December 30th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
HOLY. FUCKING. BALLS. Saw Aliens versus Predator: Requiem with Frog Boy. This movie is AWESOME! It was everything that AvP should have been. The Predator in this movie was quite possibly the baddest sci-fi motherfucker since Arnold's T-800 in Terminator 2. This Predator was so fucking hard core they should have just called the movie Predator 3. The xenomorphs were only living in his world. God damn, it was sweet. I will definitley be seeing this again. I suggest everyone who can read this go do the same. A full review will definitley be forthcoming once I can get some more pics together. YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!
December 31st, 2007 at 10:26 am
Saw AvP:R again last night with DanM and DanN. I haven’t seen the same movie two days in a row since Spider-Man 2. Just like Spidey, AvP:R‘s just as good the second time around.
December 31st, 2007 at 11:10 am
Dec 29 – Christmastime In Smallville
December 31st, 2007 at 11:22 am
Dec 30 – The Christmas DC stopped trying…
December 31st, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Christmas Island
“Christmas Island”
Andrews Sisters
Decca Records, 1946
Christmas Island
Operation Crossroads nuclear weapons testing
U.S. military personnel, 1946
Christmas Island
Operation Dominic nuclear weapons testing
U.S. military personnel, 1962
“Christmas Island”
Jimmy Buffet
MCA Records, 1996
YouTube, 2006
Mele Kalikimaka!
December 31st, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Dec 31 – Christmas In The Stars…
Christmas In The Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album was released in 1980, and like the album cover says, Anthony Daniels provides the voice of C-3P0 on all the tracks just like he did in the movies. But many of the songs feature other vocalists as well – unknown session singers who, in 1980, weren’t noteworthy enough to be listed on the front cover. The singers who belted out "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas" were no different. It featured a chorus of children and a male vocalist. And now that he's become incredibly successful and he's so hugely rich and famous that even people who don't like his music know his name, old school Star Wars fans like myself will NEVER let him forget that he once told R2-D2 how much he loved him in a Christmas song. These are the moments I live for, folks. Listen closely to the lead vocals; that young man's voice you hear is none other than a 17 year old Jon Bon fucking Jovi.
This was Jon Bon Jovi's first professional recording. The album's liner notes credit him under his real name, John Bongiovi. He got the job because his cousin co-produced the album and ran the studio where it was recorded. None of the other vocalists they brought in worked out and it just so happened that Jon was also working there at the time – sweeping floors. They put him on the mic and the rest is history. Click the pic to download "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas," featuring lead volcals by little
John BongioviJon Bon Jovi.Happy New Year, everybody. I'll see you in 2008!
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Jan 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!
TODAY’S DOWNLOAD:
Artist: Fountains Of Wayne
Song: "I Want An Alien For Christmas"
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Jan 2 – Before I take it down for the year…
… check out my tree!
When I first put this thing together I was convinced that it would end up looking so shitty that I'd throw it out in disgust and just call the whole Christmas season off. But I will be god damned if this isn't my favorite Christmas tree I've ever owned. Look at this little fucker. It's adorable! I usually leave my tree up until January 6th. Alright, that's not entirely true. It is more accurate to say that I don't even consider taking the tree down until January 6th. I usually leave it up far longer than that.
Lots of people ask me "Hey, Chris, how many Christmas lights should you put on a four foot tree?" My answer: "At least 307." That may seem a bit excessive to most people, but you've got to understand its all about placement. You can't clump them all together, and you can't place them too near the outer branches. That's amateur, bush league psych-out stuff. Laughable, man. Ha! You gotta hide those cords. And you only put 200 lights on the tree itself. Well, 207. Because there's no Christmas tree like and old school Christmas tree, and if it's an old school Christmas tree, it'll have bubble lights.
Look at them. Glorious! They are the pinnacle of mankind's achievement. Some people use the moon landing as a benchmark of human scientific mastery, but I think bubble lights are about fifty times more impressive. Instead of saying "If they can put a man on the moon…" whenever we're about to complain about something, I say we start saying "If they can make Christmas tree lights boil…". There's just something so fantastic about these. Yeah, its probably all about the fact that Ma and Grandma Sci-Fi had them and there's all that childhood holiday Pavlovian association, and blah blah blah. But, come on; even if I'd never seen these things before, I'm tempted to believe I'd still love them just as much. If there is such a place as Heaven, it had better be lit exclusively with bubble lights. Or I'm not going.
I'm a big believer in having some unwrapped presents under the tree. It makes your living room looks so much more like a Christmas card. Since I've got no youngsters to buy for this year, I've decided to get some sci-fi toys and pop them under the tree. These guys are now my permanent Christmas tree mascots. Stage right is Christmastron, my giant robotic guardian o' the tree. To the left is Kristmas Kong, whom I will find a Santa hat for if it kills me. Click the pic to see a close-up of Kristmas Kong playing with his favorite toy, an old-fashioned biplane ornament. Kristmas Kong is a big fan of irony.
Let's get back to the lights. There are seven bubble lights per strand and I used one strand. Add the 200 mini lights we talked about earlier for a grand total of 207. So what about the other 100 lights I promised you? Well, settle down now and let old Grandpappy tell you a story…
When I was growing up everybody had stars on top of their trees. It was a given. Yeah, there were a few freaks who went the angel route, but I grew up in the woods and hills of Kentucky. Lots of people where I come from take even the most meaningless of traditions very, very personally. Everybody's great great great grandma used a star on top of the tree since way back before The War Of Northern Aggression, and that star had been passed down from mother to daughter down through the generations, guarded and treasured like the Hope fucking Diamond. So when one of you high fallutin' city slickers comes around with your talk of angels on top of the Christmas tree, don't be surprised when you get the hairy eyeball and maybe a boot in your ass for your trouble. 'Round these parts, son, we use stars. Yee-haw.
Nowadays, what with the newfangled horseless carriages, and the loud rock 'n' roll music, and the girls who wear their skirts hiked up above the knee like godless French whores, people don't have stars on top of trees anymore. They have tree toppers. "Tree topper" is a generic term of convenience used to refer to the fact that these days people will cap off O Tannenbaum with pretty much any fucking thing they can find. Hubcaps, neckties, used diapers, you name it. I once knew a guy who, every year before his big Christmas party, used to staple a bag of live squirrels to the top of his Christmas tree. And I don't mean he would staple the bag, I mean he would staple each and every squirrel to the top of the tree. And he always used the whole bag full. And by "a guy" I mean it was me. My Christmas parties were off the chain.
With all this talk about tree toppers you're probably wondering why I cropped the top of my tree out of the pic above. I've been saving it for the big finale. This year I have the mother of all tree toppers. Behold:
Oh, yeah, baby! This is where the missing hundred lights come in. That's right, this is my 100-light tree star. I call it "The Death Star," both because it's a spherical technological monstrosity that creates too much heat for its own good, and because it allows me to put it on top of the tree and feel like, technically, I used a 'star.' This thing glows like a fucking lamp. I can plug in my tree and read by it with no other lights on in the room. The Death Star is awesome. What makes it even more awesome is that on top of my tiny little four foot tree it looks like the Times Square New Year's ball crossed with the Hovitos ultimate booby trap. It just sits up there, ready to ring in the New Year by rolling down the tree and crushing everything in its path. Throw me the idol! No time to argue!
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Jan 3 – The Drifters "White Christmas"
We got hit with the first heavy snow of the year on New Year's Eve, almost a week late for a white Christmas. No matter; snow's awesome any time of the year. And so is this song. Click the pic for one of my very favorite Christmas recordings ever. And may all your Christmases be white!
January 4th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
January 4th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Yeah, like I needed another reason to go see Cloverfield.
This makes me a little nervous, though. I sure as hell hope they didn’t break their word and go the reboot route with Star Trek. I don’t want to have to drive all the way to California and kill a bunch of people…
January 4th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
HIDDEN!
Artist: Aqua
Album: Aquarius, 2000
HIDDEN!
January 4th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Jan 4 – The Man Of Snow
Okay, folks, I promised I'd have something for you each day 'til Epiphany, and that's what I'm gonna deliver. Only I'm giving you these last three all at once because, quite frankly, I'm getting a little tired of this Advent calendar and there's no way in hell I'm gonna log in and post more of this crap this weekend. I love you guys, but there's only so much giving a man can do.
Jan 5 – " A Superman Christmas Adventure"
But wait, there's more! There is a fantastic video called "In 2007" that I wish I could link for you here. Its the whole year in review, set to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire." Unfortunately JibJab.com, the people who created the video, have made it very hard to post on any other websites. But here's the YouTube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztj2qfui11
You have got to check this video out. The angel says it best: "The last time they had a year this bad The Big Guy sent a flood." Too funny. Seriously, go watch it. What the hell are you waiting for? Do it. Do it NAOUGHW!!!!
Jan 6 – That’s all, folks!
Ah, the last entry of the year. This one's the cover of the December 1974 edition of Pack•O•Fun magazine, and encourages kids to make Christmas decorations like the "Astrosleigh" out of what appears to be used aluminum foil and an old ketchup bottle. Man, that’s gonna be one great smelling tree. Click the pic for the full cover.
You know what? That didn't seem like it was enough. So check this out. You remember that beer commercial with the Christmas lights on the house flashing in sync with Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Wizards In Winter"? Well, here in the Greater Cincinnati area we sure as hell remember it, because that house was right here in our backyard. This video is similar, but it's of a guy who went a different route. Instead of syncing lights to prerecorded music, he triggers them by playing Guitar Hero. The better he performs, the better the light show. Hats off to this guy; he's got more Christmas spirit than Clark Griswold.
It's been great spending another sci-fi Christmas with you guys. Not much left to say, so I'll leave you with some Christmas cheer from the only people who love the idea of a Christmas in space more than me. That's right, I'm talking about the Soviets. Man, I miss those guys. Peace out, folks. Hope your holidays were great, and I'm looking forward to doing it again next year. Here's to a great 2008!
January 8th, 2008 at 11:54 am
New article on the way today. Be prepared to talk about what you got for Christmas.
January 8th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Okay, maybe not today, but almost certainly tomorrow. Probably.
January 9th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
The upcoming article had to be put on hold last night because I went to see AvP:R again, this time with Mark and PopRox. I am amazed at how much I like this movie. I am also amazed by how well this movie fits in with the Predator mythos as it was established in Predator and especially Predator 2. I was further amazed by the fact that AvP:R was just as exciting the third time around. PopRox predicted that I will see it five times before it leaves the theatres. I think he maybe underestimating me.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Hi there! I am thoroughly impressed with your knowledge of True Religion Billy. Your insights into this article about True Religion Billy was well worth the the time to read it. I thank you for posting such awsome information. Signed James Kryten on this Day Saturday.
Chris’s note: “True Religion Billy.”? What the fuck?