Happy December 5th! It’s the Day Of The Ninja!
In his never ending quest to seek out and review all the best and worst in ninja culture, Ruthless Ninja Assassin has graced us with the first of an ongoing series of articles concerning all things ninja. Click the pic to enter the shadow temple of the of the ninja realm, and read from the forbidden first scroll of "Is It Ninja?"… if you dare!
I loves me some ninjas. Seriously, dude, I don't care what form they take, be it toys or movies or comics or whatever - ninjas just rule all over your shit. WITH REAL ULTIMATE POWER. It all started back in the 80s when ninjas hit American youth with a flying serpent snap to our hearts, minds, and piggy banks. I was hooked instantly. As a matter of fact, I can remember every little thing as if it happened only 20 years ago…
I was dragged along shopping with Ma Sci-Fi on one of her marathon efforts to single-handedly support the American economy by buying every last fucking thing we would ever need for the rest of our lives all in one day. We were exiting our local Zayre's, and that's when I saw him. A black-masked, death-fisted ninja warrior staring at me from behind the glass of a 25¢ prize machine. This thing was loaded with sweet ninja treasure; yin-yang medallions, little silver aluminum shuriken, little black aluminum shuriken, little brass plated aluminum shuriken, big yin-yang shuriken with holes drilled in them, you name it. But I didn't care about any of that - I wanted what HE was selling. The big daddy prize. The one you know there's only one of in all those little plastic prize wombs. The Maltese fucking Falcon of the Prize Machine… a giant sheet of holographic foil ninja stickers.
FUCK YES!!! You have to understand, this wasn't some shitty little strip of paper stickers. It was a fucking NOTEBOOK SIZED SHEET OF LETHAL HOLOGRAM NINJA KILLING MAGIC FROM THE ORIENTAL DEMON REALM OF DEATH AND FIRE!! Even as an adult I can't pass up bragging to my friends about something like scoring a giant sheet of reflective ninja stickers for a quarter; as a kid, making a find like this had me feeling like Indiana Jones himself should call me up and kiss my fat white ass for unearthing something so awesome. Ma Sci-Fi was never much into letting me or Frog Boy play those little prize games with her own money, which was kind of shitty and hateful in retrospect, because she never went anywhere without fucking $78 in change in that giant, thousand-pocketed black duffel bag she called a purse. No less than 100,000 bazillion times have I seen her pull fistfuls of receipts and tissues out of that thing, and EVERY SINGLE TIME, all manner of silver coinage would rain out of the wads of paper, scattering all over the coffee table and the floor, mocking Frog Boy and I, forcing us to remember all the times she refused to let us play Shinobi because she "didn't have any change." I think that was also the day I learned the word 'bitch.'
I knew I wasn't going to get those stickers. First of all, she was never going to let me anywhere near that machine, and even if she did, she would never let me have any cash for it. And if, by some fluke of the normal functioning of the cosmos, she were to look at me and remember how much she loved me before I reached that age where parents start to become uncomfortable with their own children because of the questions they ask and the things they remember, and in that moment of motherly weakness she were to let me have some small piece of her shoulder slung dragon hoard, I would only get one shot.
It was never gonna happen. I'd have to completely empty that damn thing to get those stickers. Before I turned into the adult who now doubts if a sticker sheet that big could ever be folded enough to fit in one of those little plastic bubbles, the child me was thoroughly convinced that somewhere, someone had made god damn sure there was at least one set of beautiful, sticky ninja goodness in that machine. Whatever organization or entity in the universe which was responsible for making sure everything was fair and equitable was on top of that shit, and woe be it unto he who falsely advertised. No, those stickers were in there, hiding. Like a ninja. And one measly quarter wasn't going to find them.
I didn't say a word. I would wait, biding my time, holding back my newly found ninja love until the perfect opportunity presented itself. And then would I strike. Already, I was becoming ninja.
Like most things as a kid, I was faithfully passionate about those stickers until roughly 14 seconds after they were out of my direct line of sight, at which point I completely forgot that there was a store called Zayre's and that I had ever heard of ninjas. But the marketing psychics had heard the siren call of my brief but white hot ninja passion, and the next time I left my house, the powers that be had ensured that my love was rekindled and everlasting, and they achieved this blanketing every single square inch of North America with totally radical ninja flavor. And best of all, IT WAS ALL FOR SALE.
Seriously, there was a time when ninjas were ubiquitous. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing some form of ninja product. Usually cheap and disposable, this crap was shoved at male children of the '80s from every angle, and we fucking LOVED it. It was like all American boys my age had sworn a secret, unspoken oath that we would, within our lifetimes, ensure that ninjas replaced Jesus as the thing we dressed up to worship at church on Sundays. And we WORKED that shit, girlfriend. Ninjas were king, and if you didn't like it, then you better watch out on the playground, because one of your classmates was going to do his best to put a cheap aluminum throwing star through your fucking eye. Let that be a lesson to you. You do not fuck with the ninja.
I never stopped loving ninjas, even after it became socially unwise to admit it. Like a ninja, I had to blend in with those around me, waiting until ninjas were cool again. Waiting… like a ninja. And now ninjas are BACK!
Because ninjas by definition are sneaky as fuck, I do not know when they made their big return. It happened without my knowing, which is so awesomely ninja it almost makes my eyes bleed. All of a sudden, ninjas are just everywhere. That's how they do it; one second you're convinced you're completely alone, the next second you are surrounded by ninjas, but not really, 'cause what you don't know is that they're all the same ninja, and he's using his mystical ninja illusion powders to confuse your senses and render you helpless. I don't know where I was going with this paragraph, but I think it sort of proves my point, which I'm pretty sure was that ninjas are all of a sudden the brand new hotness, again, and you'd better get the hell on the ninja bandwagon with all quickness before you take a flying death dragon razor-punch to the spine. Yeah, that was my point.
So here's the deal: In celebration of December 5th, Day Of The Ninja, this will be the first of what I intend to be many IS IT NINJA? articles in which I will review sundry ninja and ninja-related things. My goal is simple: I will determine whether they are worthy of the name 'ninja.' I am, for those of you whom are not ninja enough to keep pace, using the word ninja in its adjective form; something must have an inherently ninja-like quality as well as be completely kick-ass sweet to be called ninja. There is no scale, and there is no subtle grading system; either something is ninja or it is not. If something sucks, it is not ninja. If something is totally righteous and incredibly awesome, but still not chock full of silent, powerful, lethal ninja goodness, then it is not ninja. That's how it works. And if you don't like it, then you are not ninja. You are a non-ninja, a nonja. And you'd best fucking keep it on the DL, because if a ninja hears a nonja like you running your mouth about anything at all, he will totally kill your ass. 'Cause he's a ninja and that's how we roll. Got it? Good. Let's kick this pig!
You know before when I said I wasn't sure when ninjas made their big return? Well, I think I've figured it out. As near as I can tell, ninja-mania was rekindled by Robert Hamburger and his totally sweet webpage Real Ultimate Power. Its a place to read about how ninjas are totally awesome and flip out all the time, and they don't even care! Is it ninja? Do you really have to ask? FUCK YES, ITS NINJA. Now go buy his book… or else.
#2 - AskANinja.com
If Real Ultimate Power rekindled the locomotive that is the current worldwide ninja frenzy, then Ask A Ninja is the musclebound coal man who keeps shoveling in the fuel. It's just The Ninja answering your questions, all day, every day, taking time out of his killin' to give you a higher nijucation. This site is totally ninja. Listen as he tells a tale from the ancient scrolls:
Okay, that's all you get for today. I know, I know, its a real short list. Hell, its only two entries. I don't even think that technically qualifies as a list at all. But damn, Gina, I gots shit to do.
I mean, its not like I'm not trying my best, but there's only so many hours in a day. And between all the killing, and trying to single handedly maintain The Sci-Fi Guys as an award winning television AND internet entertainment franchise juggernaut, and then going home and trying to squeeze in ten damn minutes of peaceful sleep at night after sharpening all my ninja weapons in preparation for more killing the next day, I'm kind of pressed for time. I'm on the clock, dude, and I don't have all the time in the world to go searching every inch of cyberspace just to answer all the questions people aren't considerate enough to just ask me to my face. I mean, throw me a bone, man! I'm only a struggling freakin' ninja over here!
December 6th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Robotech and Voltron, I can only hope…
December 6th, 2007 at 10:38 am
One of my big concerns is Toby Maguire “eyeing” the lead role. I just can’t see him as Rick Hunter. Scott Bernard maybe.
After the crapfest that was Transformers and the forthcoming crapfest G.I.Joe, let’s just say I’m skeptical about the quality of movies that will be produced.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:40 am
I don’t know. I didn’t see him as Spider-Man either, and he was awesome. I think he’s too young looking to be a believable Scott Bernard.
I like the fact that they’ve commissioned Robotech as a whole instead of just Macross. I like that there’s more story available. I think this could be good.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
See, I’m totally the opposite. Toby Maguire always seemed to have that nice boy-next-store geek quality about him that I thought from the very beginning would serve him well in the role of Peter Parker.
I also see it serving him well in the role of the straight laced Scott Bernard.
As for the age thing, from what I’ve been able to dig up, Scott is 24 when he returns to earth. However, physically he is only 20 due to time and space distortions caused by the space fold process. I think Toby could easily pull that off. Not sure how he’d look with blue hair though
December 6th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
This is perhaps the worst statement I’ve heard this year to come out of a presidential candidate hopeful’s mouth. It was made by Mitt Romney in a speech at former President George H. W. Bush’s presidential library at Texas A&M University.
“Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
December 6th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Wait, you thought he’d be a good Spider-Man? Wow. Good call on your part. Honestly, from the second I heard he would be Peter Parker I thought he would be terrible. But I was never so glad to be wrong. He was awesome. He was even good in part 3 when they turned the whole story into a joke. He was still likable. Spider-Man 3 was pretty much shit, but none of that can be laid on him. Just based on his performance as Spidey I’d give him a chance in Robotech.
Wait, who is Scott Bernard again? It’s been a while since I read the books. Isn’t he the main character’s mentor who dies? Or is that Roy Fokker? I’m referring to the guy who dies not too far into the series. If that’s not Scott Bernard, then I don’t know who Scott Bernard is.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Roy Fokker is the mentor to Rick Hunter who dies after getting wounded in a fight with Myria.
Scott Bernard is one of the main characters in the New Generation series. He was part of the REF force returning to retake earth from the Invid. He crashes, and subsequently hooks up with Rand, Rook, Lunk, Lancer, and some little annoying girl (whose name escapes me and is as useful in a fight as a poopie flavored lolly pop) on his way to destroy Reflex point.
God I’m such a nerd for remembering all of this
Oh, more X-files news:
December 6th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
DanM, sorry I didn't see your other politically charged post up there or I would've commented earlier.
Mitt Romney is such a huge piece of shit you can see the corn and peanuts from across the street. Not only is he named after a piece of little league handwear, but he sucks in other, arguably more important ways as well.
The guy was voted in as a moderate, but when he started losing a few points of popularity for being in favor of teaching evolutionary theory in schools, he did an about face and capitulated to his fucking Mormon fundamentalist audience by getting all religious. Now he just changes his opinion to follow money and support all the time. The guy is notorious for just saying whatever the hell anyone he's with wants to hear. He's worse than just wrong about issues. He's multiply wrong. He holds any number of given stances on a topic, depending on what he thinks the people around him want to hear, and they're all retarded. Just like him.
He recently started off an interview on Larry King with an on-air prayer. Because of stupid stunts like this, in this election that will be the only prayer he has. Ironically, his bullshit has cost him a lot of his Mormon voters (check out mormonsagainstromney.org for more info), so now he's trying to buddy up to Jews. I guess he thinks he can work the religious minority angle. But I doubt it. Jews are doing pretty well for themselves here in America. I'd bet the last thing they want is to hook up with this jackass and his, let's face it, completely fabricated dumbass religion that nobody takes seriously. Yo, Romney, word to the wise; Jews ≠ Mormons. They're gonna see right through your bullshit just like everyone else. Don't quit your day job, jackoff.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Back to The X-Files… Billy Connolly & Amanda Peet. Damn, I would have been happy with either one of those two. The fact that we’re getting both is pretty impressive. I’ve always had a thing for Amanda Peet but she’s rarely in anything that I would watch. This will be great because I’ll have a legit reason to see her again and again and again…
December 6th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
WTF?! Ok now I am seriously worried about this movie. I understand they want it to be a stand alone and seperate from the mytharch, but hey Chris you already had two agents working along side Mulder and Scully. Anyone rember Reyes and Dogget? This really makes me nervous, now I’m gonna hafta to go check out the message boards.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Yep checked the boards briefly and people are nervous about this. Not the introduction of new characters necessarily, but the casting…I mean Xzibit come on and the possiblity that Mulder and Scully might be…… gulp..killed off in favor of spinning this movie into a new tv series. Oh and in my last post I forgot. Why the hell bring new characters in when Skinner isn’t even gonna be in the movie. That right there should make any xphile nervous.
December 7th, 2007 at 10:44 am
NO SKINNER??? WHAT THE FUCK???
December 7th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
This is starting to have disaster written all over it.
December 7th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
Dave and I went to Bogart’s last night for the Papa Roach show. A couple of years ago if you would have told me I would go see them I would have told you bullshit, but their sound has changed and they were damn good. I will say everytime I have seen them they get the crowd into and Jacoby does a good job as a front man.
Kinda surprised that they opened with Jacoby coming out and singing to a tape to start Roses On My Grave. After the band came out and kicked in they went straight into ….To Be Loved. Great live song and was the set opener the first time I saw them and actually started getting me into them. From there it was into Getting Away With Murder, Time is Running Out, She Loves Me Not, and another new one I really like Reckless. One I didn’t know next followed by Alive (N’ Out Of Control) and Take Me. My favorite from them Scars was next and sounded great with crowd really into it. Life Is A Bullet was next and led into Born With Nothing, Die with Everything follwed by Forever and Dead Cell. The encore was Last Resort and during it Dave and I headed out.
All in all a really good show. They sounded good and played most of what I wanted to hear.
Until next time…
December 7th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
HIDDEN!
Artist: Oxymoronatron
Album: untitled downloadable album
HIDDEN!
December 10th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Back to the Mitt Romney subject real quick, I happened to over hear a couple of coworkers this past weekend talking about this particular speech and how much sense it made. I nearly burst out laughing.
Then I had a horrific thought…..how many other people think this guy is on the level?
December 10th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
07-08 Dec 2007
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
For the weekend Mrs. X, Dave, and I made our way to Owensboro to see the Smoke on Friday and Saturday night. Great show both nights, and was good to see friends from the message board and from the shows that we have gotten to know. Was nice that they didn’t have an opener and got to play two sets both nights. Sounded great on both nights. With the extended set it was nice to hear songs like “Testify” that we hadn’t heard in awhile. Played a lot of the newer ones we all like. “Ain’t Much Left Of Me” and “Up In Smoke” continue to sound great, as do “I’d Be Lying” and “Like I Am.” Of course “Good One Coming On” continues to just kick ass. The highlight for me was Saturday night when they threw in “Shaking Hands With the Holy Ghost” which I hadn’t heard in a really long time and is one of my favorites.
Until next time…
December 10th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
This is the latest teaser poster for the new Batman movie.
Not very impressive if you ask me.
December 11th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I don’t know. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to feel this way, but I’m getting a good vibe from this movie. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think this new version of the Joker may work. In any case, the new Batcycle is pretty bitchin.’ Check it:
December 12th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Sorry not a big fan of the Bat cycle, I think it’s kinda goofy lookin.
December 12th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I’m willing to give Heath Ledger a chance but that cycle has got to go.
December 12th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
I can’t wait to see this movie!!!!
A fucking Predator “cleaner”?! How cool is that!
December 12th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
If you hate the bike you’re probably in luck. Batman stories have a history of showcasing the destruction of Batcycles. In Mask Of The Phantasm Batman jumped it into a running turbine to stop the blades. In The Batman series, Batgirl stole it and destroyed it. I wouldn’t be surprised if this one doesn’t live to see the end of the movie.
I think I like this because it looks like a logical outgrowth of the same technology used to make the Tumbler/Batmobile from the first movie. In fact, I did a little checking online and found out that was exactly what they were going for. Mild spoilers follow the pic.
I like the fact that this is a real motorcycle. I also like the fact that the engine is housed inside the wheel. No transmission necessary. I’m also curious to see if it has any completely pointless features like the Batmobile’s ability to reconfigure its driver’s seat so that Batman got his torso sucked up into the engine compartment. Seriously, what the hell was that about?
Anyway, another reason I like this “Batpod” in spite of its amazingly shitty name is that it looks like it might actually be a real vehicle. Batcycles have a history of looking pretty fucking ridiculous. Don’t take my word for it; I’ve got proof.
Incidentally the bike below popped up on the internet earlier this year with claims to be the new Batcycle. Obviously that is not the case. Nonetheless a cool looking bike, though. Click the pic for the full size version.
Finally, I’ve got some much larger pics of the Batpod. Click either pic for a BIG closeup.
December 12th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Damn the bike that was rumored to be the Batcycle is cool as shit. What’s up with the name Bat Pod? How many songs does it hold and can I watch video on it? Does it also make phone calls?
December 12th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
HA!
That’s funny as hell!!
Most of these pics are compressed, so click them to see them full size.
Anybody know who the blonde is? She looks familiar, but I can’t place her.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:29 am
she looks like a Kiera Knightly wannabe.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:34 am
David Hasselhoff returning as Michael Knight? Scary.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I have no problem with Hasselhoff playing Michael Knight. If it wasn’t for all the time he’s spent busting his ass to get this off the ground there would be no new series. I know he’s become kind of a joke, but Hasselhoff’s been trying to get Knight Rider picked up as a movie or new series for years. The new show is about Michael Knight’s son as I understand it, so I say Michael Knight making an appearance seems kosher.
I also have no problem with Will Arnett. I do think if The Hoff is gonna get some screen time they should get Daniels to guest star as the original KITT. I could never hear him on Boy Meets World without waiting for him to say something like “Michael, I think this is a very bad idea.” Will Arnett is not only hilarious, he’s a good actor. Given good writing I think he could do okay.
And I most DEFINITELY do not have a problem with Sydney Poitier, who out hot-black-chicks Halle Berry in the hot black chick running any day of the week. What I do have a problem with is this:
This is the new KITT? Seriously? It looks like a fucking ricer. This is one ugly fucking car. I’ll admit it looks pretty cool from the side…
…but the front end of this thing looks like a fucking pickup truck. This is a horrible looking KITT. In disgust and dismay, I am now forced to post pics of the beautiful Sydney Poitier to ease my troubled mind.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I really don’t have a problem with any of it except the car. I’m not talking about the fact that it’s a Mustang, but the ridiculous looking ground effects and spoilers(two spoilers… WTF!) that have been added. They need to GO.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
This raises an interesting question: what car would you guys choose for the new KITT? Any year, any make, any model. You pick it and I'll post the pics here for you.
For my money, you could do a lot worse than the 2003 Lamborghini Murciélago RGT. This thing just screams Knight Rider. It looks good in black, it looks good from all camera angles, it looks like it could be a futuristic version of KITT, and it would be a hit with motorheads. Plus it's almost five years old, so I'm sure they could get a bunch of them really cheap.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
Headed to Louisville to catch CCR last night at Headliners. After finally finding a parking spot headed in and found Bob and Collette who had came in from Evansville for the show. We have met them from the several Smoke shows and they were the one’s who told me about it this past weekend.
The opener Back Porch Mary was pretty good. Their intro music was the Murphy’s Shipping Up To Boston which got them points from me right off the bat. Kinda of an Austin feel with some rockabilly thrown in. Even did a cover of Social Distortion’s Prison Bound which was cool. Would have preferred BBS opening like the last time I saw CCR though.
CCR was up next and pretty good. A much bigger crowd then when I saw them this summer. They sounded good, but with not being a huge fan of them was kinda disappointed that some of the songs I really like weren’t in the set. No Cold Hearted Woman which is my fave or 17 which is my second. I know Cody doesn’t like Carney Man so that no being in the set wasn’t a big surprise. They did a couple of Chris Knight covers which did kinda surprise me. Was glad to hear Hammer Down and Anywhere But Here. As well as a new song Leaving Nashville. They played this as a full band this time, where as this summer Cody did it acoustic. Hard not to like a country song with the chorus, “Fuck you, fuck Nashville, fuck everything in front of me.” To close their set they played Boys From Oklahoma which led into Merry X-Mas From the Famn Damily before closing with Alabama. Their encore was a cover of All Along The Watchtower.
All in all a good show, just kinda disappointed not to hear some of my fave’s. Worth the $10 and late night drive back though. Will say that three years ago if you would have told me I would go see Papa Roach, Blackberry Smoke, and CCR in 6 days that I would put the Papa Roach show in front of CCR.
Until next time…
December 13th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
Here would be one of my choices for the new KITT. It costs 1.4 million and only 20 will be made.
http://www.lamborghinireventon.net/
You gotta love a car whose design was inspired by a fighter plane (F-22 Raptor if anyone cares)
December 13th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Here’s another decent shot of it:
December 14th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
That is a thoroughly bad ass car. I love the hard lines. Its a very welcome departure from the Gallardo, which was a little too rounded and curvy for my taste. Curves are for Corvettes. Lamborghinis should have lines sharp enough to cut you. I also like how they put the models in flight suits to emphasize the aviation inspiration. Very clever.
Yeah, the Reventón is pretty fantastic looking, but KITT needs to be black and have a spoiler. I couldn’t find any pics of a black Reventón or one with a spoiler option. Damn you, Lamborghini! But check out the dash; this thing has sci-fi written all over it, inside and out:
December 14th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I’m guessing if you can throw down $1.4 million for a car, you carry enough influence to have them paint it black and throw on a spoiler.
This would be another contender for me if price were no object:
http://www.bugatti.com/en/veyron-16.4.html
December 14th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Price is no object. The Foundation for Law And Government is funded by Knight Industries. Their budget is virtually limitless.
The Bugatti Veyron 16.4? Really? Dude, I’ve got to tell you, I am not a fan. I don’t like this car at all, KITT or otherwise. It looks like a new Beetle that’s trying to be a sports car.
December 14th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Then again, now that I’m looking at it more, it’s kind of growing on me…
December 14th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
I too was put off the first time I saw it.
It’s performance is absolutely staggering though:
0-60 in 2.46 seconds
0-100 mph in 5.5 seconds
0-150 mph in 9.8 seconds
Top Speed: 253 mph
December 14th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
I think what I don’t like is the two-toned color scheme. Get rid of that, or make it much less severe, and it would definitely be a major improvement.