Turkitron’s Returnification Part II, Redux
Happy Thanksgiving, primitive ape-race.
THOUSANDS of years ago, in the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the sons of Aryus, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this time came poultry, the creatures who were destined to wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon their troubled bird brows. It is I, Turkitron, who alone can tell thee of the Turkey Saga. Let me tell you about the days of high adventure!
In the five million years following the Great Nebula Burst, the birds of Earth poultry were one people. But then came the Zactor Migration, and then the Melosian Shift. A dark period of discontent spread through the land. Fighting among Treeb sects and Largoths… ah, the foolishness. And it was in this time of dissension that Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey systematically hunted and slaughtered the Thermians from the Klatu Nebula. He tortured their scientists, put them to work in the gallium arsenide mines, and captured their females for his own demented purposes.
And so it was thus that the poultry resistance was formed. Victorious in their struggle against the warships and centurions of the Fatu-Krey Space Armada, the once-unified bird armies split into the factions of righteous turkeys and twisted, evil chickens. The Great Bird War ensued, and from the ashes of the bones of a thousand slain fowl super-soldiers arose the most horrific product of unnatural chicken science, the unstoppable beast warrior from the moon known as the Gorgatron.
Desperate to save Thanksgiving from Gorgatron's mad rampage, rogue chicken scientists in league with the turkey rebellion formulated a training simulation in the guise of an Earth video game called Moon Master. The turkeys distributed this game to seek out and find gifted warriors to aid them in their real-life struggle against the real-life Gorgatron, who had destroyed the turkeys' armies and villages and people and all of their pets, and laid waste to their crops.
Still we turkeys await the coming of the Moon Master. I have traveled back to the primitive Earth year 2007 to ensure the future of turkeykind by protecting all turkeys which your pathetic child-race of hairless apes plan to consume on Thanksgiving. For one day, a warrior will rise from our ranks to light our darkest hour. And there can be only one. For the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. And if you think I got that from Star Trek, you are dead wrong, mister
Last year at this time, on this very website, the entity known as "Mark" declared his intention to continue his turkivorous frenzy. This mad human boasted that he had consumed over 1000 pounds of turkey flesh in his lifetime, and made clear his plans to continue the horrific slaughter and digestion of turkey life. Witness as he flaunts his savage animal plans for universal turkicide:
Hail Turkitron:
Another year has passed and turkeys have once again proven themselves to be a delicious and harmless creature.
I just had some tasty turkey today…I feel no remorse and celebrate in the death of one of your brother turkeys!
Your Nemesis,
Mark
And so I, Turkitron, am here to warn "Mark" and all other members of your so called "human race" that all the turkeys you plan to eat on Thanksgiving day are coming with me into the time portal, dead or alive. And I cry out to my turkey brothers to throw off your shackles and revolt against your human slavemasters. We will find and destroy this "Mark" and all others who would attempt to defile and desecrate our turkey brethren in the name of their barbaric human holiday rituals. For their unspeakable crimes, all turkey eaters will pay… big time.
As I have stated before, in the future, Thanksgiving is celebrated as a day when the turkeys give thanks to the memory of the human race for creating Thanksgiving and then dying out so we can rule the planet, much as you now give thanks to the memories of your noble savage Indians for their weaknesses to smallpox, alcoholism, and lead bullets, which allowed you to steal their land, become rich, and then to transform yourselves from all powerful conquerors into destitute, chain-smoking alcoholics in their descendants' casinos. Thusly is the Great Circuiting completed.
So, in summation, enjoy your pathetic simian lives while you can, for the Day Of The Turkey approaches, and you will know my name is Turkitron when I lay my vengeance upon thee. And when Moon Master the Moonmasterian, Moon Master the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, The Traveler, has come, you and your kind will perish in flame. Your time is nigh. You have been warned. Happy Thanksgiving from the war torn future, savage human protospecies!
November 21st, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Hail To The Overly Verbose (and ultimately futile) Turkitron:
Just this day I have purchased the frozen carcass of one of your turkey brethern in anticipation of tomorrow’s ritual thawing, stuffing, cooking and eating. My mouth salivates (with evil) at the thought of enjoying this delicious tryptophan laden delight!
Send your minions, plot my destruction and KNOW that it’s all without the possiblity of success. I can eat more turkey that you can throw at me! With every ounce of my being I will fight the rise of the turkey and the celebrate the continued dominance of mankind!
Your friend,
Mark
November 23rd, 2007 at 10:43 am
Woo-hoo! First snow of the year!
November 26th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Hmmmm……..
November 26th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
November 27th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Jesus, this is brilliant. I mean this is pure genius. We should do this to all candidates for any office. And retire them if they fail. Big thanks to The Wave for bringing this to us.
More Human Than Human
A field guide for testing if the San Francisco mayoral candidates are human or not.
By Eric Gutoski
replicant (rep’-li-kant) n.
1. A genetically engineered creature composed entirely of organic substance designed to look and act human.
2. An android.
With Willie Brown finally leaving his gold (plated), diamond-encrusted throne, there has been no shortage of hats thrown into the mayoral ring. San Francisco politics are now a microcosm of California’s own, greater gubernatorial “challenges.” Rather than confuse you with endorsements, position papers and other outmoded means of political influence, we’ve decided to get to the bottom of the only question that matters: Is a particular candidate human or an insidious replicant, possessed of physical strength and computational abilities far exceeding our own, but lacking empathy and possibly even bent on our destruction as a species?
The only reliable method that we know of for sniffing out replicants is the Voight-Kampff Test, created by Phillip K. Dick in his book, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and later used by Harrison Ford’s character, Deckard, in the film Blade Runner. The test uses a series of questions to evoke an emotional response which androids are incapable of having. By the candidates’ responses to this line of questioning, we feel we can say with some certainty whether or not they’re replicants. However, we’re stopping short of recommending that you vote for them or not. After all, though a replicant mayor may be more likely to gouge a supervisor’s eyes out with their thumbs, they have another quality that could be great in an elected official: a four year life span.
The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Angela Alioto: I’d accept it.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
AA: I’d look at it. What do you mean what would I do? As opposed to saying “how horrible?” I would tell him how beautiful it is.
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
AA: I’d knock it off. It’s something I’m used to doing in politics [Laughs].
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Angela, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Angela. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Angela?
AA: That would never happen. I wouldn’t turn it over in the first place, and the thing with it being in pain is out of the question. Let me ask you, John, how does this fit in to the bigger picture when you ask me about the dying tortoise and the dead butterflies?
TW: They’re just questions, Angela. In answer to your query, they’re written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
AA: My mother? She’s beautiful. She’s an artist. She’s a renaissance artist.
CONCLUSION: Her defensiveness over her lack of empathy for the butterfly is telling, as is the comparison of a political rival to a wasp that should be knocked off. I think we can safely say that Angela Alioto is indeed a replicant, albeit one that “loves” the implanted memory of her mother. Keep an eye on her.
The Wave: It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Susan Leal: Disappointed.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
SL: I’d be fascinated.
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
SL: I’d kill it.
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Susan, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Susan. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Susan?
SL: I don’t know, I must’ve lost my mind.
TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
SL: Honest. Supportive. Liberal. Interesting.
CONCLUSION: The dissociation Susan expressed in response to the tortoise question confirms what we already knew: Susan Leal is a replicant. However, by evaluating her response to the wasp question (word for word as Rachel – totally a replicant – answered it in Blade Runner), we can tell that she’s at least a Nexus 7. If you vote for Susan, you will be electing a replicant, but one of the most highly advanced models available.
The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Matt Gonzalez: I’m sorry, what kind of wallet?
TW: Calfskin.
MG: Calfskin, I don’t even know what that is.
TW: Do you know what a cow is, Matt?
MG: Yeah.
TW: Baby cow.
MG: Um, I have no idea how I would react.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
MG: These are great questions. I’m not sure if they’re ideal for 9:00. We were up pretty late at the office. I can only associate to things that I’ve seen or done in my own life….
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
MG: I guess I would probably just knock it off.
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Matt, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Matt. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Matt?
MG: Well I don’t think I would have knocked it over in the first place and I don’t get any amusement out of making tortoises suffer, so I don’t think that would be me. You must have confused me for one of my opponents.
TW: Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
MG: Just a positive person, no negative energy at all. Next time could we do this later in the day?
CONCLUSION: Androids do not dream of electric sheep because they don’t sleep, unlike Matt Gonzalez who was up late “working” at the office. His obvious grogginess leads us to the conclusion that he is indeed a human, but one with an ill-formed sleep schedule. Were he a replicant he would have already gouged out six eyeballs, broken in to the genetic design lab and made a trip to the juice bar by this time of the day.
The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Tom Ammiano: I’d look for money.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
TA: I’d think this was Blade Runner. That’s my reaction.
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
TA: Call 911.
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Tom, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Tom?
TA: That’s interesting. I don’t know. I’m a Republican?
TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
TA: Tenderness. Yelling.
CONCLUSION: The self-awareness required to recognize that you’re being administered a Voight-Kampff Test automatically eliminates the possibility of you being a replicant. Good work, Tom! You’re human! Now watch your back.
The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Tony Ribera: Good. I’d be happy.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
TR: I’d ask him to explain it to me.
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.
TR: Slap it.
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Tony, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tony. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Tony?
TR: Well, I think I would help. I like tortoises. As a former athlete I’ve always been very slow, and I feel I can relate to them.
TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
TR: Happy. Cheerful. Optimistic. Pretty. Fun.
CONCLUSIONS: Inconclusive. While generally empathetic, there is a homey quality to Tony’s answers that are almost too good to be true. As if they were… programmed. Fifty-fifty he’s a skin job.
The Wave: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?
Gavin Newsom: I don’t have anything to put in it. I would thank them and move on.
TW: You’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?
GN: I would tell him to… You know what? I wouldn’t know how to respond. How’s that for an answer? Is this a psychological test? I’m worried…
TW: They’re just questions, Gavin. In answer to your query, they’re written down for me. It’s a test, designed to provoke an emotional response.
GN: Oh, I got you.
TW: Shall we continue?
GN: Sure.
TW: You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm. How would you react?
GN: I would quietly sit and wait for the wasp to move to the next victim.
TW: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, Gavin, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back, Gavin. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that, Gavin?
GN: [Immediately] Not a chance. I would never flip the tortoise over in the first place.
TW: Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind. About your mother.
GN: Ethics. Commitment. Sacrifice.
CONCLUSION: Almost too close to call. Almost. Newsom displays a defensiveness when his empathy is questioned. He’s aware that he’s being probed for emotional responses, and even expresses concern about this. However, this concern is alleviated a little too easily by our crafty V-K interviewer. Newsom is definitely a replicant. Probably a Nexus 5.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Here are my latest (and most heavily edited, ever, in the history of me writing for Top 5) entries for Top 5: Comics. Another #1! The folks will be so proud.
With no power comes no responsibility.
TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS – COMICS
http://www.littlefivers.com/comics
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November 30, 2007
NOTE FROM JENNIFER:
Depowering seems to happen a lot, but how can
you tell if it's happened to YOUR superhero?
The Top 8 Signs a Superhero Has Lost His/Her Powers
8> Look, there at the crosswalk! It's a Schmuck! It's a Schmoe! It's Superman!
7> Sue Richards is much less impressed with "Mr. Fantastic."
6> Suddenly, the Wonder Twins are the most useful heroes on the team.
5> Rogue throws a party that starts with a rousing game of Twister and ends with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on Iceman's dorm room door.
4> The Flash wastes the first 10 minutes of the JLA meeting complaining about rush hour traffic.
3> HULK TICKLE PUNY HUMAN!
2> Aquaman no longer sleeps with the fishes.
and the Number 1 Sign a Superhero Has Lost His/Her Powers…
1> Wolverine's covered in Band-Aids and absolutely reeks of Neosporin.
[ http://www.topfive.com ]
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Selected from 56 submissions from 16 contributors.
This week's list authors are:
————–
Chris Woodall, Dayton, KY — 1, 5 (2nd #1!)
James T. Booth, Redmond, OR — 2, 4, 8 (Hat trick!)
Doug Husovsky, Cave Creek, AZ — 3
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 3
Clare Tyler, Seattle, WA — 5, Topic
Rep Pickard, Baltimore, MD — 6
Randy Lee, Burke, VA — 7
Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX — Banner tag
Jennifer Ford, Chicago, IL — Mystery Woman
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TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS
"Top 10" lists on a variety of subjects
http://www.littlefivers.com
=========================
Copyright 2007 by Chris White All rights reserved.
Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com"
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December 5th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
here’s one of the first full pics of Heath Ledger as the Joker.
Click to embiggen.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Not sure how big of a fan I am of this. I never thought the Joker looked dishelved or dirty in the comics or the cartoons. I always took him to be crazy, but actually caring about his appearance some what. Maybe I’m wrong in my perception, however.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Yeah, I’m not sure where they’re going with this. I dig the socks, though.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I think they are trying to make him to manical and insane. The joker was an insane killer, but I always thought he was clever and suave about it. He enjoyed the set up just as much as the killing. This joker just looks insane for the sake of being insane with no real substance.