Mickey D's has been a staple of the Halloween experience since I was a wee lad, and its no different today. We'll take a look at a few of their treats from Halloweens past and present. Also, Ronald McDonald is a demon-spawning, sex-changing, flesh eating zombie from Hell. All this and more, after these messages…

Today's bonus Halloween candy review – Mint!

Forgot my camera when I left the house today, so I had to take a shitty cell phone pic of the pie. Then my phone battery died, so I now can't get to it. Isn't that a fascinating story? Just as soon as I get it I'll post it, but I'm going to leave this paragraph intact because I'm not the kind of guy who lets dry, self deprecating wit like that go to waste. No way, people, you got to savor that shit.

Speaking of savoring and shit, I've heard people say these are gross, and I've heard people say they're tasty. The truth is, they are both.

Here's the deal: you can get one McDonald's pumpkin pie for 90¢, or two for $1. I guess they're trying to get rid of them, so maybe they're not too popular. Because I hate the idea of having a healthy, sexually attractive physique, I ate two. Worked out well for this review, as it turns out.

As soon as the poor lifeless wageslave McZombie in the window handed me the bag, I ate one of the pies. It was hot, nicely spiced, neither too doughy nor too dry. I was also impressed by the welcome lack of a McCrusty McCoating of McCinnamon & sugar, which sometimes made their old apple pies taste less like pastries and more like cinnamon rock candy that someone accidentally spilled lava hot apple goop onto. There wasn't a great deal of pumpkin flavor in these pies, mind you, but I'm willing to overlook that because there's not a lot of hamburger flavor in their hamburgers, either. It's McDonald's. Mediocre food through the window of your car. I've learned not to expect too much. So I was pleasantly surprised and impressed by the quality of the pumpkin pie.

Until later, that is. After lunch at work (where I am the poor lifeless wageslave McZombie, only in better clothes) I decided to have the other pie. Cold. This is usually not a problem with pumpkin pie, but this is no normal pumpkin pie. This is McDonalds pumpkin pie, which has the power to turn pumpkin into a monstrous parody of its normal self by simply letting go of a scant few degrees of thermal energy. I wouldn't go so far as to say these things are inedible cold, but both my tongue and my brain were confused by the pie's drastic switch from 'hey, this isn't half bad' to 'eww, what the fuck happened to this thing?'.

Would I eat a McDonald's pumpkin pie again? Most certainly. But only if it was hot and fresh, like the Prince Of Bel-Air. Once it had cooled off some and had become of questionable taste like Bagger Vance… you can forget it.

Remember these? Man oh man, this was when McDonald's knew what the fuck Halloween was all about. These sweet babies popped on the scene in 1986, and I remember very clearly how incredibly popular they were. All the kids had one. All the kids who were way too old to have one had one, but kept it on the DL. Hell even our parents were buying the fuckign things. Standing in line at McDonald's with Frog Boy and Ma Sci-Fi was the first time I ever witnessed an adult buying a kid's toy for themselves. I didn't know they were allowed to do that!

Frog Boy and I each had one of the old school 1986 bad boys. Mine was the middle one, McBoo. Still is. For reasons I cannot explain, I never stopped using McBoo. Year round he sat on my shelf, holding spare change, occasionally acting as a receptacle for odds and ends I'd find lying around my room, watching me grow up, watching me mature and learn to masturbate, watching me have sex, watching me watch tapes of other people who were masturbating or having sex… there's a reason he's got that look on his face. He thought he was just going to be some kid's Halloween pail for a year or two, then slowly fade away. He didn't know he was in it for the long haul, nor that the innocent little kid whom treasured him so much in 1986 would grow up to be the kind of person who sometimes watches porn for hours on end before allowing himself to ejaculate, just to see if he can build up enough pressure to shoot his load over the foot of the bed. That's not the kind of thing McBoo signed up for.

But still he stays with me, never judging, never criticizing. He just sits there, eternally surprised, sometimes understandably, but often mysteriously so. These days McBoo houses a small but interesting collection of foreign currency and two-dollar bills. Just a few days ago, I dropped a very small paperback book on him and his lid quite literally disintegrated. It was the lightest paperback book you can imagine, and I dropped it on him from about 2 feet above, but based on the amount of plastic bucket shrapnel generated you'd have thought I blasted the thing with a shotgun. It was so inexplicable and unexpected that I didn't even get mad that his lid was ruined. I just sat there for about ten minutes trying to figure out if what I had just seen really happened, or if I had finally gone completely insane.

It doesn't matter, though. McBoo is still with me. I can't explain what happened to his lid, but his body and plastic handle are still as pliable and sturdy as ever. And that's how he'll stay. He's a true blue friend for life. You my boy, Boo. You my boy.

Sweet Jesus, that's creepy. A McDonald's in India decided to celebrate the opening of a new location by slapping a load of white paint on a baby and scaring the shit out of everyone that laid eyes on it. This may be 50% makeup and 50% Photoshop for all I know. What I do know is that its 100% disturbing. Can you imagine driving to work one morning and seeing this thing on a billboard? I'd have to turn around and go home and change my pants. This is horrifying. They should change their slogan from "I'm lovin' IT!" to "Supersize your meal, or we'll send Baby Pennywise out to eat you." If you're no a fan of sleeping soundly, you can click the pic for the full size ad, but you'd have to be about ten times more manly than me, 'cause that shit's fucking scary.

I present to you nearly incontrovertible proof that Ronald McDonald is part of an evil conspiracy with dark mystical forces bent on enslaving humanity and ruling the world. Aside from siring the little abomination pictured above, most of you know Ronald McDonald's other malformed devil child, Carrot Top. This recently 'roided up freak of nature may be the single surest proof in the world that the Devil is real.

Its not like no one knows he's up to no good. The cops tried to put an end to Ronald's little freak show a long time ago, but the prosecutors were unable to get the charges to stick. Using his wealth an influence as an American pop culture icon, Ronald set up shop in the one place where freaks are not only welcome, they're publicly celebrated. No, not California. I'm talking about Japan. Ronald escaped prosecution (and, in fact, discovery) for many years after a miraculously successful sex change operation rendered him almost completely unrecognizable to the authorities.

Ronald's luck finally ran out in Borneo when he/she was gunned down by the local militia while fleeing from arrest after being charged with practicing witchcraft. Because of his/her unholy pact with forces beyond this realm, however, Ronald's corpse rose from the grave and resumed its trek of terror across the globe, now in the form of a flesh-eating zombie. Ronald McDonald's current whereabouts are unknown.