Halloween Fonts From Hell, Part III
Fonts. And food. And fonts. And food. Mmm… If typing with funky Halloween fonts makes you hungry for pumpkin, then you, my friend, are very weird. But you're also very much in luck, because we've got a ton of fonts and foods for you to sink your teeth into. Bon appétit!
Today's bonus Halloween candy review – Graeter's Pumpkin Fudge!
Every Halloween season I go absolutely batshit crazy trying out new foods made out of pumpkins. I love pumpkin, I'm obsessed with eating pumpkin in all its form and splendor, and I'm going to share some of my favorite pumpkin stuff with you guys right now, starting with today's bonus candy review: pumpkin fudge.
You will not give pumpkin fudge to kids this Halloween. You will not buy pumpkin fudge this Halloween. You will more than likely not eat pumpkin fudge this Halloween, or ever, for that matter. Its not easy to find, and when you do find it, its not cheap. Like any fudge, its a labor intensive bitch to make, and it'll cost you. But its worth it. Oh, dark mother of the damned, it is worth it.
Whenever I say the words "pumpkin fudge" people almost universally bare their teeth and hiss like vampires recoiling in disgust and fear from garlic or their missing reflections. It took me a long time to figure out why this happens, but it just occurred to me that what they're probably imagining is some sort of mixture of pumpkin and chocolate fudge, which I imagine would, at best, taste a lot like clay-heavy topsoil or perhaps an uncooked camel's ass. But you've got to remember that not all fudge is chocolate based. Maple, vanilla, and peanut butter fudges all do quite nicely without any interference from Big Brother Cocoa Bean.
No, pumpkin fudge lets the pumpkin do all the work, and is all the more incredible for it. Actually, looking at the ingredients, it doesn't sound too fantastic. Mmm, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil, sorbitol, and non-fat milk solids. Who wants seconds?
Okay, truth be told, I want seconds. This stuff is damn good. It tastes like what pumpkin flavored cake frosting would taste like if there were such a thing. It is intensely sweet, almost too much so. I wouldn't go so far as to say its cloying, but its definitely something you enjoy a little at a time. However, unlike the unfortunate tendencies of the makers of many pumpkin goods, the fine people at Graeter's were wise enough not to overdo the spices. You get your fair share of nutmeg and cinnamon, but you also get a mouthful of really wonderful pumpkin flavor. Its so fantastic that I have no choice but to take a moment to rock the fuck out with some sweet thrashin' air guitar:
There are two ways I know of to make fudge, and based on the list of ingredients I think I know which one they used. I could probably replicate this stuff without all the extra bullshit they put into it. But I probably won't because making fudge is a cast iron bitch, and I don't like to burn myself while spending a whole day staring a pot of bubbling sugar water with a thermometer, making candy that no one else but me wants to eat. What I am willing to do, however, is give you a 10 minute recipe to make a fudge-like pumpkin candy that will probably be good. I say 'probably' because I'm making this up as I type. But I'm confident it'll work.
Chris's Completely Untested Fried Pumpkin PseudoFudge Recipe He Just Pulled Out Of His Ass
- 1 cup salted butter, plus enough to grease an 8×8 pan
- 1 cup cooked pumpkin or unseasoned canned pumpkin
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 pound powdered sugar
- 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
- wax paper
Put butter and pumpkin in a microwave safe mixing bowl. Cover the dish with vented plastic wrap to prevent splatters. Microwave for 2 minutes on high. Remove carefully from the microwave; it will be very hot. Add pumpkin pie spice, stir thoroughly with a non-stick spatula until spice is evenly distributed, replace cover, and microwave on high for 2 more minutes. Add the vanilla and powdered sugar to the mixture and stir until well blended. Pour into buttered 8×8 inch pan lined with wax paper. Flatten with non-stick spatula. Place a second piece of wax paper on top of the "fudge" and refrigerate until completely cool. Cut into 1 inch pieces and consume.
But it doesn't stop with fudge. There are lots of other things you can do with pumpkins when you're as hellbent on eating them as I am. Here are a few of my favorites:
Oh, yeah, Pumpkin Spice milkshake in da house! The pumpkin fudge may have come from Graeter's, but don't mistake Graeter's for any old run of the mill candy shop. No, Graeter's is first and foremost an ice cream parlor. In case you've never been in or near Cincinnati, Graeter's is a local ice cream franchise that has gained international attention for its quality French pot ice cream. Although there are a few very small local shops that make ice cream which surpasses Graeter's in quality and flavor, they're few and far between. Around here, Graeter's is the yardstick by which all other ice creams are measured.
Mmm… a frothy, pale orange milkshake chock full of so many pumpkin pie spices you can see them; must be October in Cincinnati. Every year around this time Graeter's marches out their seasonal Pumpkin Spice ice cream, and for a pittance they will gladly smash it up with some milk and serve you the best goddamned milkshake the world has ever known… until now. Although the Halloween season is still not complete for me without a Graeter's Pumpkin Spice milkshake in my belly, I've found an even better hookup. Schneider's Homemade Candies in Bellevue, KY, an independent little sweet shop just a stone's throw from the river, right across from Cincinnati, has released their pumpkin ice cream upon the world, and it is PHENOMENAL. I had a Schneider's pumpkin milkshake just the other day and followed it up with a Graeter's Pumpkin Spice milkshake in an impromptu Pepsi Challenge of my own devising. There is no contest. Schneider's wins hands down. If you're near the area I suggest you find your way to Schneider's and get one fast before the pumpkin ice cream goes away for the year. I swear to god, those milkshakes are my new reason to live.
I know its off the pumpkin theme, but Schneider's also does something that I've been completely unable to find in any other shop in recent years, and that's traditional Halloween candy apples. Not caramel apples (although you can get those, too), I'm talking about the old school hard candy coated apples. The kind "Candy Apple Red" stole its name from. I don't know how I've managed to live for 32 years without eating one of these, but son of a bitch are they good. I guess I shouldn't really call them 'traditional' since honest to god old fashioned candy apples have cinnamon in the recipe, which is sadly absent here. But nevertheless, I'll be going back for more. Candy apples are now a part of my personal Halloween ritual. By the way, you can also get a dinner plate sized candy apple lollipop at Schneider's, which is nothing more than a giant slab of the candy apple coating on a stick. Its only a buck, but don't do it. Without the cinnamon, its just a big hunk of pointless red sugar. One bite to confirm this and mine went straight into the trash.
Although Little Debbie Pumpkin Delights can be fairly elusive, I've been able to find them the last few years. Essentially yet another variation on Litte Debbie's cake-cookie-filling formula, these have a really good spice cake cookie and a smattering of pumpkin jelly. To be honest, there's not a lot of pumpkin flaovr to these, but the spice cake is so good you really won't care.
The pumpkin jelly makes the whole thing just the right amount of gooey, moist, and dense that these things never get old. I think I ate about ten boxes last year. They're just too pleasant in every way possible. Don't believe me? Check out how happy they look. How could you not love these things?
Pardon me while I pat myself on the back, but holy shit, that muffin picture really turned out nice. Yes, that's all actual food that I photographed and ate. You may not know this, but in the United States during the month of October it is legally required that all coffee shops sell pumpkin spice lattes and either pumpkin muffins or pumpkin cake doughnuts. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but lying about it makes me feel better about the fact that I have drunk so much pumpkin flavored coffee that I have literally been sick to my stomach. Don't let the Bible and Richard Simmons fool you, people; gluttony is not for the weak nor lazy. It takes a lot of work to down that much jack-o'-java, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna slack off on the job.
Every year I swear I'm not gonna do it, and every year it happens again. Pumpkin pie is a Thanksgiving food. It is not intended for Halloween consumption. Its not appropriate to eat pumpkin pie in October. Its like giving someone colored eggs for Christmas or a big chocolate bunny on the 4th of July. Its just wrong. But then I find myself in a supermarket, and there's a sale, and I tell myself that mid-October sale pies don't count, and I get home and eat half the pie for dinner and swear to myself that this will be my last one, and I really mean it this time, and then before you know it it's November 1st and I've already eaten 37 pumpkin pies, and the cycle of shame never ends. You know what? I think maybe its the store's fault for having the goddamned sale in the first place. Right? I mean, who sells pumpkin pies in fucking October? Its ridiculous! No. Check that. Remember what we talked about in group. The fault is mine, not the store's. I have a problem. The problem is mine. I will own my problem. My name is Chris, and I'm a pumpkoholic.
October 19th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Speaking of Halloween food, here's something else I've never had before.
Chocolate iced honey buns sounded risky at best. I love regular honey buns, but iced they tend to lean toward the gross side. Its the frosting that's the issue. Usually its a rubbery, gelatinous coating of unnaturally slimy, abnormally bright white gunk that puts me in mind of the sort of internal membrane I might expect to find if I was dissecting some weird deep sea mollusk. You shouldn't be able to peel frosting off of anything in one cohesive sheet, and if you can, it had better be because the frosting has lost moisture and is far more rigid than usual. Peeled frosting should have no flex. But this gummy crap is downright elastic. It tastes alright, but the texture is totally fucked up. Maybe they could find some use for it as a skin replacement patch for burn victims or something, but it just doesn't belong on top of my honey bun.
Fortunately the good people at Cloverhill did not funk up the chocolate, and what we have here are good quality honey buns coated with the kind of chocolate icing you might expect from Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme. A bit too sugary, but altogether passable. These things were great. And at $5 a dozen, I could bring them to work without making a trip to the ATM. A chance to try a new Halloween treat, be a hero at the office, get some material for the site, and have an excuse to justify eating two chocolate slathered honey buns for "research purposes," all for just five bones? Sold American.
October 19th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
The new Top Five Comic list is out. I got numbers 1 & 2! Go me!
October 19, 2007
The Top 8 Names for Superhero Scents
8> Human Torch: Sizzle
7> Spectre: Heaven Scent
6> Spider-Man: Silk
5> Superman: Solitude
4> Aquaman: Eau de Eau
3> Magneto: Superiority (for Mutants)
2> Obsession, by Bruce Wayne
1> CK Six One Six
[ http://www.topfive.com ]
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Selected from 39 submissions from 12 contributors.
This week’s list authors are:
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Chris Woodall, Dayton, KY — 1, 2 (1st #1! Woohoo!)
Matt Van Opens, Watertown, WI — 3, Banner tag
Bruce Kane, Charlotte, NC — 4, 5
Sally Van Opens, Watertown, WI — 6
Vic Vitek, Hopewell Junction, NY — 7
Marc Berard, Central Falls, RI — 8
Jennifer Ford, Chicago, IL — Mystery Woman
[ TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS ]
[ "Top 10" lists on a variety of subjects ]
[ http://www.littlefivers.com ]
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[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White All rights reserved. ]
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October 20th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Great job on the Halloween theme, Chris. I just spent 30 minutes looking at your heading. Very cool.
October 20th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Thanks, Bill. I’ve been meaning to write an article about all the diffrerent Halloween junk I managed to squeeze into that thing, but I just can’t find a way to make it interesting to anyone but me. I am curious, though, did you uncover anything hidden in there that you might not have seen at first glance? There’s a LOT of stuff in there.
It took a damn long time to put together. I only wish I’d thought ahead and kept the .pdf files from before I shrank it down. Unfortunately, they were long gone before I ever posted the image. But I can offer you this 800×600 desktop version. Unfortunately, it’s the only desktop sized version of the image I have. Just click the pic to get it.
October 20th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
The Exorcist poster made it officially cool because you have to look to see it. Kudos and cheers to that.
October 20th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
October 21st, 2007 at 12:52 am
Maybe I’m just being cynical, but this seems a little ridiculous. Why in the hell would you release this kind of information about a book series that’s supposedly ended? Is she trying to influence the future movies in the series? What’s the point of this? It seems like the kind of announcement that is designed to do nothing more than draw attention to one’s self or work. Her comment about fan fiction says as much. If she really wanted to make a strong “prolonged argument for tolerance” she would have made him openly gay in a stable, healthy relationship with another man, and then presented him exactly as she did in every other aspect.
This feels dishonest. Making the claim this this is all about tolerance seems flimsy when she had seven books worth of story in which to reveal the information and yet failed to do so until after the series had concluded. Hiding something from your audience is a piss poor way to use it to make a point. If he really was intended to be gay from the start, was concealing this info really a way to promote gay rights and tolerance? Because it seems more like a way to dodge potential criticism and prevent that information from interfering with the success of a very lucrative novel and film franchise. It doesn’t seem like a cry for equality, it seems more like a sales tactic.
This is paramount to a retcon; she’s adding additional information after what was supposed to have been the close of the story, and injecting new meaning into the story which wasn’t something that could be gleaned from the books. Its akin to telling Trekkies that, oops, we forgot to mention this, but Kirk was bisexual and Bones was gay and they had a long term relationship going on the side. Sure, you could go back and rewatch every episode of the original series and the movies and examine every conversation and interaction between the two of them in a hundred new ways, but at the end of the day I’d still be forced to wonder if you weren’t just trying to create renewed interest in the series to sell more books and DVDs.
This has nothing to do with tolerance or a message. Its all about giving people a little bit more of the Harry Potter story to chew on. She’s going back to the well. I give it two years before she’s writing another Potter book.
October 21st, 2007 at 8:12 am
I don’t think she will write another book about Harry as she pretty much closed that chapter in the final book. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if additional books featuring key Potter Characters were released. Probably a history of dumbledore in early life, etc.
Just a thought.
October 21st, 2007 at 9:19 am
This is quite sc-fi related so I hope the web powers that be don’t chastise me but I couldn’t resist this little video clip called the “Mantage”…is an homage to all the many sci-fi geeks out there!
October 21st, 2007 at 9:20 am
And once again it didn’t embed for me…here’s the link. It’s funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvltzwkUEEA
October 21st, 2007 at 10:08 am
Mmm… tastes like liberty.
October 21st, 2007 at 10:28 am
The news article is badly written and highly misleading.
She didn’t hold a press conference to announce that Dumbledore was gay, she was answering fan questions about the book and series – the Dumbledore question was just one of about two dozen answers. The reason she mentioned it to the director was that in the script it had him musing about a girl he once knew. She’s not trying to bilk it for publicity, just making sure that the movies stay true to the books.
Horray for quotes: “
The line about tolerance and questioning authority is a response to a question that asked if Voldemort’s motives were similar to Nazi Germany’s. Yes, Voldemort believed in purity of blood and intolerance of others, and that the entire series should be seen as a testament to tolerance and questioning authority (in the last book, most of the government is under Voldemort’s control).
October 21st, 2007 at 1:32 pm
After further deliberation and a careful weighing of the facts in this matter, I’ve decided that I no longer care about this topic. J. K. Rowling can do whatever she wants. Until I get that Hogwarts Gone Wild Hermione spring break video I’ve been demanding, the whole Harry Potter thing is dead to me.
In other news, the following video is not a fake, and Chris Crocker, the wretched mutant half-man thing who stars in it, should kill himself just as soon as possible:
October 21st, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Simply fucking astounding. Everyone who applauded at the end of this tragic collection of poorly stuttered sentence fragments should be rounded up and have their genitals burned off with blowtorches. This could only be more embarrasing if somehow, and god forbid this should ever happen, this video clip were to make its way onto some sort of widely available public information sharing service which would propagate the knowledge that people like this are actually rewarded and given attention and cash prizes. That would be awful.
October 22nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I’m not sure how to post in the super-duper Sci-fi fashion but I thought this was hilarious…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYjUWSfj7fE
October 22nd, 2007 at 12:27 pm
super-duper Sci-fi fashion activated!
October 22nd, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, folks, this stuff is fucking nasty. If ever there was a beer that honest to god looked like a Halloween beer, this would be it. Just look at it; very cool full moon, orange graphics, a nice combination of light and midnight blue to suggest a late night visit to a spooky pumpkin patch. Visually, this beer is as Halloween as beer gets without dressing up like a walking corpse and drinking one served by a mummy out of a coffin shaped fridge.
But the taste… god fucking damn. I can’t say it doesn’t taste like pumpkin, because the pumpkin flavor is definitely there. But it so thinned out in a sea of other disgusting flavors that its impossible to enjoy. Not only that, but this stuff leaves a coating of… something all over your mouth. I don’t know what the hell it is, but it feels like the coating of fat you sometimes get on the outside of especially greasy hamburgers after they’ve cooled. And there’s little chunks in it. No, I’m not joking. Little flecks of something or another stuck to your mouth by a thin coating of beef fat. I can only presume the little chunks were spices. For the sake of my sanity, I choose to believe they were spices. Sweet merciful lord in heaven, I hope they were spices.
If you want to know what the beer tastes like, I think I can help you approximate it. Try this: take a bite of overly spiced pumpkin pie and chew it until it has been completely liquefied. Do not swallow. Then take a sip of Coors Light. Do not swallow. Thoroughly swish this around like mouthwash until it has formed a single liquid. Do not swallow. Hold this mixture in your mouth for three weeks, or until the pumpkin just starts to rot. Swallow. There, you’ve just tried Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.
When it comes to pumpkin I’m fairly easy to please. Hell, I think its fair to say I’m even lenient toward anything made out my favorite squash, and I’m willing to tolerate a lot in the name of eating it. So if I’m telling you that something tastes like pumpkin yet its still inedible, you should probably take my word for it. This stuff is foul.
Special thanks to V for the pic. I wanted to get a picture of this for the site, but left it in her fridge like a dumb ass, so I was forced to periodically beg her not to pitch it until I got a chance to stop by with my camera. She very sweetly housed this poison in her icebox for so long that she eventually took this pic for me just so she could throw it away. What kind of person would throw away five bottles of free beer, you ask? The kind of person who took a sip of the sixth one to try for herself. Trust me, she made the right choice. This stuff is so bad I’m officially bringing back the phrase “grody to the max” to describe it.
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Mandy, I just now got the chance to watch the Harry Potter clip. “I didn’t enter.” That’s funny as hell.
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:42 pm
It’s too bad that the beer sucked. I like Blue Moon and there are several great tasting pumpkin beers out there. Trust me this time of year I go to liquor barn and buy quite a few. I want to say there is one by Plank Road that is pretty tasty. I would have to try it though to confirm that it is the worst beer ever, because I would say that Winter Cask Bourbon Ale is currently at the top of my list for nastiest beer ever. It basically tastes like Robitussin.
On another topic I can’t believe no one has mentioned the new show on the CW Reaper. This show is really great not only is the story great, but its freakin hillarious and the guy who plays the Devil is awesome. For those of you not familar the basic premise is that this guy’s parents have sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for saving the father from dying. Well the Devil shows up on the guy’s 21st birthday and tells him about the deal and that now he is essentially bound to the Devil as sort of a bounty hunter. He is now charged with capturing escaped souls from hell and sending them back there. He gets a new vessel in which to capture the escaped souls in each week things he has used so far have been a dust buster, remote control car, toaster and a dove. So Sam and his two friends who work at the Work Bench (Home Depot knock off) go about capturing souls each week and sending them back to hell…in addition Sam is trying to go out with this girl he works with at the Work Bench while at the same time trying to keep the fact that he is the Reaper from her. Kevin Smith is a consultant on the show and also directed the first episode. You can by the way watch full episodes on the CW’s website. Trust me if you haven’t seen it check it out…..if it tells you anything even Mr.X likes it and trust me he is not a big sci-fi fan
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Chris, it’s always safe to stay with Sam Adams Oktoberfest. By the way, if you ever make it down to Savannah Ga they have a ghost Ale on tap that is awesome in every dimension that beer could be awesome. The tap is even eerie.
October 24th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Thanks for the beer info, guys.
Bill – I didn’t know Sam Adams did a seasonal beer for Halloween. I know they have about a dozen Christmas beers, but Octoberfest is new to me. Thanks for the tip. Also, Mark is down in GA right now, so I’ll see if we can’t send him out to try some Savannah Ghost Ale. Sounds awesome. Apparently the Ghost Ale even has its own special insignia. I got online and searched for a pic of the tap, but its nowhere to be found.
Mrs. X – Bourbon Ale sounds repugnant. Seriously, that sounds absolutely awful. I’m surprised you even bought it. Reaper, on the other hand, sounds like it would have made a perfect entry for this year’s Halloween celebration. Too bad this is the first I’m hearing of it. I gotta start watching more TV…
October 24th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Actually Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale is awesome because the beer is aged put into empty used bourbon casks and it soaks up the flavor of the bourbon. But we found out that it doesn’t keep, if you let it sit for a few months it does go sour, but fresh it is awesome. Of course that is made by Kentucky Ale, the stuff I was refering to was made by the people who bring you Budwieser so God knows how they made it.
Reaper: Tuesdays at 9 on the CW. By the way the guy who plays the devil was played Laura Plamer’s father in twin peaks.
October 15th, 2008 at 5:27 am
We have been an ebay power seller and paypal confirmed seller of wow gold for years.
March 4th, 2010 at 2:01 am
Took me ages to find this post, this time I’ll bookmark it.