Halloween Fonts From Hell - Part II
Turns out there's precious little you can write about fonts. So little, in fact, that I'm not even going to bother. Instead I'm going to give you a quick and easy download of the next Sci-Fi Guys Halloween 2007 font collection, and an extra-special Halloween candy review.
Today's bonus Halloween candy review - Dum-Dums!
Here you go, 26 more fonts to make your Halloween that much more special. My five favorites in this collection are shown below. Click the pic to download the whole set.
Enjoy!
You know how sometimes for Christmas you get a gift that you didn't ask for and don't really want, but that gift surprisingly turns out to be one of the better things you got that year, and you vow to never again forget the wisdom and kindness of the person who bestowed you with this great present, only you do, so next year when you get something else unsolicited you're once again disappointed, until it turns out that the new thing is also a fantastic gift, and you think back to the previous Christmas with self admonishment, and chastise yourself for your internal grumblings which resulted from your shameful shallowness of character and childish lack of gratitude? That's exactly what Dum-Dums are like on Halloween.
No kid ever got excited about seeing Dum-Dums in the bottom of his candy bag. They're small. They're inconspicuous. They're white, waxy, and kind of plain looking. They don't festoon themselves with foil wrappers and Day-Glo logos that scream "X-Treme Enhanced FlavorBurst Mouth-Thunder!" with pictures of kids on bikes and skateboards jumping over fire and lasers and demons and shit. Dum-Dums are subtle.
But a week into November, when all the other, more attention grabbing candy is gone, those kids turn to their Dum-Dums and get a serious mouthful of enjoyment out of them that they did not expect. It happens every year. That's because Dum-Dums do one thing consistently that those other loudly wrapped glucose grenades only do part time, and Dum-Dums do it so well that I have no choice but to tell you about it in big, bold capital letters. Ready? Here you go:
DUM-DUMS FUCKING DELIVER.
"… real gangsta-ass niggas don't flex nuts, cuz real gangsta-ass niggas know they got 'em."
That's right. Dum-Dums aren't interested in impressing you with flash. Dum-Dums don't give a fuck. They own Halloween and they know it. They've been around for a hell of a long time, never changed size, never strayed too radically from their core flavors, never worrying about what you think. Because they KNOW come Halloween, they'll be given away, rejected at first, grudgingly accepted when all the other candy is gone, then lavished with praise by undeserving little bastards everywhere.
You can buy a car from a hundred different dealerships. You can go to a thousand garages and have it so customized and tricked out that it barely qualifies as transportation. But if you want to drive it, you have to have a license. You can go do all the other bullshit you want, but when all is said and done, no matter who you are, your ass is ending up at the DMV. They don't advertise Dum-Dums for the same reason they don't advertise the DMV; they're the only game in town. You tellin' me you can find another lollipop that can really compete with Dum-Dums in terms of flavor and incredible low cost? No, you can't, and that's why they're never in your face. They don't have to be, because you're gonna come around to Dum-Dums whether you like it or not. Dum-Dums are the DMV of Halloween.
Little known Dum-Dums fact: Dum-Dums wrappers are very nearly perfectly square, making them perfect for origami. In honor of Dum-Dums contributions to humanity, many scientists and religious leaders have lobbied for the definition of the word 'square' to be altered so its more mathematically representative of the actual shape of a Dum-Dums wrapper. But Dum-Dums keeps squelching their efforts. Why? Because there's nothing square about Dum-Dums, bitch. NOTHING.
Speaking of the DMV, that's where I got these Dum-Dums. I was in line to get my license renewed and there were bowls of these things all over the place. And it wasn't just the DMV; every room in the courthouse was stocked with bowls and bowls of Dum-Dums. It was like heaven. I was fortunate enough to go at a time when there was no line, so I went straight to the desk, and there, at the head of the line were three bowls of these things. It's like they couldn't give enough of them away. I
♥ my DMV.The bowl nearest to my clerk was fucking crammed with Mystery Flavor Dum-Dums, which are the single coolest candy in the whole universe. In case you aren't from this planet and have never had a Mystery Flavor Dum-Dum, I will describe the experience to you with exact precision: Mystery Flavor Dum-Dums are what it would taste like if Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Løken were both made of sugar and had sex on your tongue.
Here's the deal: The Dum-Dums factory is made entirely of gold, spun sugar, and the dreams of happy children. Its located on a fluffy white cloud in an otherwise clear blue sky, in a super-secret location somewhere between Heaven and Shangri-La, where Coca-Cola is super good for you and every day is your birthday. You can only get there from Earth by crossing a magical rainbow bridge made out of hope and smiles and hugs. Whenever the benevolent candy elves who run the place decide to make a different flavor of Dum-Dum, they don't stop the machines. No, sir, the production of Dum-Dums is continuous; there is no stopping to change flavors. Instead, they just dump the next flavor in, and let the mystical sugar machines do their thing. The result is that, each and every time a batch is changed, there are some in-between Dum-Dums that are a mixture of the outgoing and incoming flavors. Those Dum-Dums are then blessed by angels and wrapped with a square of the sacred Mystery Flavor Dum-Dums paper, which is made from high-quality beeswax and the pulped wood of special trees that only grow on holy ground.
Since the mixture is always changing, no two Mystery Flavor Dum-Dums are ever quite the same. Take just a second and let that sink in; each Mystery Flavor Dum-Dum you eat will be the first and last one like it, ever, AND ITS ALL YOURS. How fucking fantastic is that? Its proof that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive, and survive, Dum-Dums love you unconditionally. See, I told you they were the best candy ever.
Because Mystery Flavor Dum Dums are hard as hell to describe, and because this candy review now has very nearly as many words as a Dum-Dum has molecules, I'm just going to describe the few Dum-Dums I got that weren't Mystery Flavored. They're there in their shitty cell phone pic above (all three versions of they're/there/their in one sentence - extra nerd point bonus!). I'll start with the bottom pop and go widdershins, because this is a Halloween article and that sounds like a very witch-friendly thing to do.
I'm not a huge fan of chocolate hard candies, but as they go, this is passable. It tastes a little like a chocolate liqueur, but without getting me buzzed, so its not that fantastic. Blu Raspberry is up next, and it is surprisingly sour in a very, very good way. Blu Raspberry is just downright excellent. Next up is Lime. Oh, sweet Lucifer in Hell, its so good. If Root Beer and Cola have any serious competition for my favorite candy flavor, it would be Lime. Speaking specifically of Dum-Dums, Root Beer and Lime are tied for first. All nonsense aside, this may be the best tasting lime candy I've ever had.
Interestingly enough, Lime is not even listed among their current flavor selection (Blu Raspberry, Butterscotch, Cherry, Cream Soda, Grape, Root Beer, Strawberry, Watermelon, Sour Apple, Mystery Flavor, Chocolate, Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Cherry Cola, Pink Lemonade, Coconut-Pineapple, and Banana). What the fuck ever, I know Lime when I taste it. The only thing I could conceivably mistake Lime for is lemon, and the green pop above sure as hell isn't Pink Lemonade. As a matter of fact, the website makes it appear that they only make one green pop, the Sour Apple. But you can see even from that shitty pic above that those are clearly two different shades of green. I think one of the mischievous little elves at the Dum-Dums factory forgot to update the website. You know what that means; no extra cotton-candy and heart-shaped sugar cubes at dinner tonight.
Next up is Sour Apple, which is not bad, but nothing to write home about. Too much sour and too little apple. The next two are just Blu Raspberry and Sour Apple reruns. Not pictured was the lone Root Beer Dum Dum I managed to grab before the clerk handed me my new tags. I'm not exaggerating in the least when I tell you that putting this in your mouth will result in a veritable explosion of root beer flavor. It is SO good.
UPDATE! I've just had a Cream Soda Dum-Dum for the first time. It tastes nothing at all like cream soda, but its delicious anyhow. Dum-Dums can do no wrong!
I love Dum-Dums so much I was forced to leave this comment on the Dum-Dums website:
To Whom It May Concern:
I just wanted to tell you how much I really enjoy Dum-Dums. A lot, that's how much.
Twenty-five years ago I had my first Dum-Dum. I was hooked back then, and I think I like them even more today. Lime and Root Beer are my favorites. ROOT BEER FOREVER! I'm writing you this because I'm certain that this is information you would like to know.
Godspeed,
Chris
PS - I'm not sure if you can individually answer each comment, but if possible, can you explain the unusual spelling of Blu Raspberry? It's been weighing heavily on me. Thanks.
I usually only send smart-ass letters like that when I expect to be utterly ignored, but I'll be damned if Dum-Dums didn't come through again! I got this reply from the lovely and talented Joni Lashaway, whom I now officially name The Sci-Fi Guys Halloween 2007 Pumpkin Queen! Here is the letter I received from Her Majesty, which is made even more awesome by the fact that she works for Dum-Dums, yet misspelled Dum-Dum (no hyphen) and Blu Raspberry (no capitalization):
Thank you for your e-mail to Spangler Candy Company and we are pleased to know that you enjoy Dum Dum Pops.
At Spangler Candy Company, we work very hard to produce candies of high quality and it's always nice to know that our efforts are being recognized.
Regarding the spelling of blu raspberry, it was done that way in order to help separate our pops from any competitor pops.
Thanks for being our customer, Chris, and also for taking the time to contact us with your nice comments!
Sincerely,
Joni Lashaway
Customer Support
YES!! Official written proof of love for Chris from Dum-Dums. It just doesn't get any better than that! Click the Pumpkin Queen pic below to check out possible future flavors for Dum-Dums. Vote for Cool Lime and Pumpkin Pie or I will hunt you down and kill you.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Wow…I feel like I haven’t been appreciating Dum Dums enough…I’ll get to work on that immediatly.
They really are the unsung heroes of the candy world. The place I get my hair cut has a bowl on the counter and I always try to snag a Blu Raspberry or Cream Soda on my way out.
Interestingly enough, Lime and Root Beer are probably my two LEAST FAVORITES.
Also interesting is that these are made by Spangler Candy company and Chris’s favorite movie is Ghostbusters with the character Egon Spangler who is an amazing forward thinking scientist. Coincidence? I don’t thing so…there are always mysterious forces at work in the universe.
Mark
October 12th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I’ve always loved dum dums they remind me of when we were little and we would go to the bank with my mom. The drive thru lady would always put some in the envelope for us. I pretty much like all of the flavors. Speaking of Halloween I have been on a serious Vincent Price kick lately. TCM has been showing old horror movies on Friday’s and of course a bunch of his are included. If you get a chance check out Theatre of Blood. It has Diana Rigg Mrs. Peel from the Avengers in it. It’s pretty messed up.
It’s about this actor who was shunned by the critics and who everyone thought was dead. Turns out he isn’t dead and since he was really into Shakespeare he starts killing off the critics through methods of death found in various Shakespeare plays. He forces one guy to eat his precious dogs. Vincent always said this was one of his favorite movies out of all ones he did.
Also to get you in Halloween spirit you should check out a musician named Wednesday 13. His songs are really catchy and he sings about ghosts, monsters and death. He has a song called The Ghost of Vincet Price, which I haven’t been able to get out of my head for 2 weeks, luckily I have it on my Ipod
October 12th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
"Interestingly enough, Lime and Root Beer are probably my two LEAST FAVORITES."
Oh, really? Are you trying to sass me, boy? Because I have had it with your sassy mouth! Lime and Root Beer are a gift from baby Jesus and your Uncle Sam, you dirty motherfucker. Dum-Dums were born on The Fourth Of July. Your rejection of them can only mean one thing:
COMMIETERRORIST BASTARD.Let it be known from this instant forward that Mark is on The Sc-Fi Guys Official Suspected Anti-American Activities Watchlist™. Any sightings of Mark should be considered an Amber Level Alert Event™. Do not attempt to approach or apprehend Mark. Notify your local sheriff, constabulary or reeve and the Department Of Homeland Security, then keep out of his line of sight. Under no circumstances should you make your presence known to him. Any person that would go online in a public forum and admit that they do not love Lime and Root Beer Dum-Dums is capable of anything. What's next, Mark, men marrying chickens? Where does it end??
DUM-DUMS, THE TERRORISTS WIN.
October 12th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
October 12th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
“Sword Of Omens, give me sight beyond sight…”
Sweet lord, this had me worried. I think the idea of a live-action Thundercats sounds pretty atrocious. I’m much more likely to enjoy this as a strictly CG production. I don’t ever want to see a movie that features something like this:
October 12th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Pulled this from movies.com
October 12th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Mark - Actually, Egon’s last name is spelled ‘Spengler.’ But it’s pronounced the same. What’s amazing, though, is that with my love of Ghostbusters and all the research I did for my Dum-Dums rave, I never made the connection. Good call!
Mrs. X - Frog Boy and I had a little post-Halloween tradition of our own that Dum-Dums always take me back to. Every year we’d go up to our room away from the prying, judging eyes of the parental units, dump out our candy in two distinct piles, and begin the yearly bidding/barter wars for our favorites. There was never any money involved; it was a strictly sugar-based economy. Pineapple Dum-Dums were a rare and highly prized commodity, and always went for a premium. Pineapple is worth at least two Grape and easily more than three Cherry. Whenever I even see a Dum-Dum, I never fail to remember that.
October 12th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I would see this movie for this reason alone!
(pulled from scifi.com)
October 12th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
“By the power of Grayskull!”
The great news is that they’re making a new Star Trek movie set in the original series era. The disturbing news is that it will be written by the same people who wrote TransFormers. But Simon Pegg is awesome. He’s not just funny, he’s actually a really good actor. I think this piece of casting could be a great move.
October 13th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Kathy Griffin is my new heroine. From Snopes:
October 15th, 2007 at 9:48 am
This youtube video is the funniest thing I have seen in a while…it’s Harry Potter Parody. Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuBm0dvIzcc&feature=dir
Mark
October 15th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
H Pitty in da house!! That was fucking hilarious! My favorite part was the Hasselhoff burger video. Just awesome!