Chris is being haunted by Halloween
Halloween is following me. I'm not kidding. Even before October it kept showing up in inappropriate places, making its eerie presence felt. Its purposefully pointing itself out to me, making no bones about the fact that it is deliberately screwing with me. I can't fight it. Its too powerful. Its all knowing. And its everywhere…
Today's bonus Halloween candy review - Caramel Creme Candies!
I understand that this may seem paranoid to some of you, but you've gotta believe me, THESE THINGS ARE REAL. Since these hauntings first started back in June, I have seen shit that'll turn you white. I have documented the incidents to provide a chronological account of my experiences, and will relate to you just a few of my entries below.
July 18, Wednesday, 11:30 PM - After spending the usual Wednesday night with Mark, Pop Rox and K-Dizzle, went to Biggs for some late night shopping. Found F•R•I•E•N•D•S Season 8 on sale for $17, and bought it because I am completely crazy about that show, presumably as a result of not having had sex with a woman in so long I am actually starting to become one. Take your judgment somewhere else, buster; sometimes a girl's gotta self fertilize.
On the rack right next to F•R•I•E•N•D•S was a Martha Stewart Halloween how-to DVD, which I did not buy, as I had made the vow to myself earlier in the month, 'I will not go apeshit and buy every Halloween thing in sight this year, like I do every year after having made this exact same vow.' I surprised myself by walking out of the store without Martha's Halloween DVD. I walked tall and proud in my newfound resistance to the snakecharming effect that anything with jack-o'-lanterns and bats on it holds over me, only to get home and discover that Season 8 is the season with the episode entitled "The One With The Halloween Party." Well played, Halloween. Well played.
July 26, Thursday, 9:30 PM - Went with Balthazar to Wal-Mart to pick up some cables for his increasingly powerful home entertainment system/SkyNet prototype. Walked past the cloth aisle - not through it, mind you, just in its general vicinity - and on the end of the last aisle nearest us, resting atop the other piles of fabrics, were no less than five bolts of Halloween cloth. Five different kinds. FIVE. In July.
Not wanting to seem like a flaming queen in front of Balthazar by getting excited over fabric with cute lil' punkins painted on it, I pretended not to notice. I later went home and douched the brand new vagina I had grown as a side effect of being giddy about textiles.
July 27, Friday, 1:05 AM - While in bed watching "The One With The Halloween Party" and thinking about the Halloween cloth, my mind suddenly recalls, cross references, and correlates the number of unusual Halloween occurrences of which I seem to be at the epicenter. In a dizzying and somewhat frightening revelation à la A Beautiful Mind, I see the pattern in the randomness. I decide to maintain a higher level of alert concerning this phenomenon. After further deliberation on this matter, I fail to come up with a way I can use this experience to help me score with Jennifer Connelly.
July 30, Monday, 10:00 PM - Arrived home to find a large black cat sitting on my porch. I don't own cats, nor is my porch in any way cat-friendly. I have never seen this cat before. It was huge. It tracked me as I approached from down the street, and as I turned to climb the stairs, it casually got up and walked away the way I had come. Just before it hopped down to the sidewalk, it gave me a look over its shoulder as if to say, "Fine, the house is yours… for now."
The cat had a strangely flat, rectangular face. I found something disturbingly human about it, and I was uneasy with the way it looked at me. It seemed to be judging me in a decidedly "you will make a very interesting pet for The Dark Prince, puny human" sort of way. I didn't like it. I hope I never see that cat again.
July 31, Tuesday - Ghoul Aid! Sweet mother of all that is dark and evil in the universe, I found some Ghoul-Aid! And not just a little. 72 PACKETS! Still shrink wrapped, in the original display box. I wasn't even looking for it. I was thinking about making that Kool-Aid Pie recipe that I posted here a while back. On a whim, I Googled "Kool-Aid recipes" to see what else people were making with Kool-Aid. Turns out the internet is filled with Kool-Aid freaks trying to mix new drinks out of Kool-Aid. Well, to be accurate, they're trying to mix old drinks; most of these recipes are dedicated to using existing Kool-Aid to replicate flavors that have been discontinued. One of these recipes was for what I can only assume is supposed to be a recreation of Ghould-Aid, Kool-Aid's old Halloween blackberry flavor. The recipe looked to me like something that would taste almost entirely unlike blackberries, so I did another search for Ghoul-Aid. Guess what came up?
That's right, the world's leading online yard sale from heaven belched up a guy who was selling Ghoul-Aid in the original store display box; 72 marvelous shrink wrapped packages in its own decorative Halloween cardboard. This brilliant mofo even put it up as a Buy It Now™ auction, so I Bought It Then™. Bless you, Halloween. I've been wanting some Ghoul-Aid for a long time now, and you've come through. If this is what it means to be haunted by Halloween, then bring it on!
August 7, Tuesday - The Ghoul-Aid arrived! Mark my words, friends, there are no words in the English language to describe my joy and amazement. Even through the plastic, this stuff smells like strong blackberry candy. Its as Halloweeny a smell as I could have ever hoped for. If I ever have children, they'd better come out of the womb as lovable as possible, because they're going to have a hard time topping this as the best day of my life. Sweet mother of god, I can't wait to drink this stuff. I will wait until Halloween, I will wait until Halloween…
August 31, Friday - This will be the last day I track the hauntings delivered unto me by Halloween. September 1 is the unofficial start of autumn, at least in my mind, so Halloween phenomenon will not be unusual any longer. However, that being said, that fucking cat was back today. I think it knows I've been writing about it. I think it's very unhappy with the things I've been saying. And I think it craves revenge…
Today's bonus candy review:
CARAMEL CREME CANDIES - I'm running behind today, peeps, so I gotta make this short and sweet. I promise a much more in-depth candy review tomorrow.
Not much to say about these little guys. You don't want a whole bag full of them, but I certainly can't say Halloween would be quite as fun if I didn't get a few of these every year.
My suggestion - play with your food. Get a butter knife and play surgeon with these things. Extract the creme center as cleanly as you can. Practice it. Dissect dozens of them if you have to, but become an expert on removing that center in tact. Eat each caramel epidermis as you go, but save up a big pile of the creme centers. Once you've got a huge pile, you can squish them into one massive, sugary monster cremeball, which you eat as a reward to yourself for learning your new surgery skills. Go ahead and enjoy it, Doctor. You've earned it.
October 9th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Son of a bitch! I forgot to include the bonus candy review. I will add it later today. Check back for more Halloween flavored sugar shock a little later.
October 9th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
I love “Bullseyes” or whatever you want to call them. I have fond memories of my mother buying a pack of 8 of these and us sharing them!
Hmmm….I’m hungry!
October 10th, 2007 at 8:30 am
RAGE TIME
Traffic was crap this morning. It’s crap every morning, but this morning was especially crappy because some idiot wasn’t paying attention to the car in front of him and tagged it in the ass. Of course, this brought out the fuzz, and despite the fact the accident had been moved well off the road, caused the entire highway to jam with gawkers. So after spending 15 minutes to travel .75 miles, I get passed the wreck with plenty of daylight in front of me. So what do I do? I accelerate like any other person to get back up to highway speed. As the front end of my car passes the back corner panel of Honda Element SC in the neighboring lane, said Honda decides it wants to be in my lane and see his turn signal come on out the corner of my eye. Seeing as how I’m already passing him, and there is NO ONE BEHIND ME FOR 5 FUCKING CAR LENGTHS, I continue to accelerate. For some reason he starts coming into my lane, notices me fairly quickly, and jerks back over. As I continue to pass, he melodramatically applies his brakes, swings in behind me and honks his horn like I committed some grievous offense against him.
I would have been fine leaving it at that, but no more than a mile up the road, after hanging back a couple car lengths, said asshole driving the Honda decides to pass me. Whatever. No problem. But as the yuppy, bald-headed, horned-rimmed glasses wearing piece of eurotrash wannabe is passing he decides to ride along next to me and give a dirty stare.
Can somebody help me understand this? Shit like this just gets under my skin. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me because there is nothing one can do in these situations (legally anyways) but GOD DAMN.
end of rant.
p.s. I don’t like “bullseyes” at all. Never have, never will. As far as I’m concerned they needn’t exist
October 10th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
October 10th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
A reboot? That blows. Why reboot the franchise? All three movies were incredibly successful. Also, the title sucks. It should be either Terminator: Salvation or Terminator: The Future Begins. Not both.
October 10th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
October 10th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Did you just refer to cops as “the fuzz?” Did the accident happen this morning or in 1976?
Situations like yours are what paintball guns are for. If you just want to freak someone out, you fire dark red paint at their car, which will give the illusion of a blood splatter. If they see the gun, they’ll think they’ve been hit. If they don’t then, they’ll think they hit someone or something. Either way, you can totally freak them out, and impress the ladies with the story of how you got thrown in jail in the name of sweet revenge.
By the way, if you want to actually damage their car, just freeze the paintballs. Some dented panels and busted windows might make them think twice about continued rude driving.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
The new game Mass Effect definitely qualifies for this site I believe… here is some info to wet your appetite….
October 10th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Odd that you mention the paintball gun. That very thought crossed my mind as I stewed over the incident.
Knowing my luck though, as soon as the idiot saw the paintball gun he would have freaked out and jerked his car into a busload of nuns causing it to careen off an over pass, and land on top of a school bus filled with kids on their way to the zoo. Then the buses would have exploded in a ginormous fireball and caught every building within a 3 block radius on fire.
That’s just too much legal trouble to deal with.
October 10th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Man, if you were playing Burnout the situation you just described would get you some MAJOR points toward unlocking a new car.
October 16th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Here's another addition I'd like to make…
August 23, Thursday, 8:47 PM - Stopped by Arby's on my way to Balthazar's to play Guitar Hero II until the wee hours of the morning. Purchased a corned beef reuben and an order of onion pedals. Halloween made its presence felt in the form of my bill. You win this round, Halloween. I could not have seen this one coming.