Evan Almighty will make you an atheist
You know what the only thing better than watching Evan Almighty is? My entire life before and after the time when I was watching Evan Almighty. Click the pic to come in and check out this year's top Oscar contender in the category of "Films That Make You Hate Jesus."
I want to get this off my chest right here at the beginning, so listen up. Before any of you simple fuckers out there sends me an email asking me how I can classify this film as sci-fi/fantasy because "it was in the Bible, it could happen," then you're forgetting one thing: go fuck yourself. This whole Sumerian Babylonian Judeo-Christian Islamic Middle Eastern Greco-Roman mythology of a great flood that covered the Earth is fucking idiotic. It's been disproved in so many ways over the centuries that you'd have to be a hardcore slobbering fucktard to still take it seriously. Even many fundamentalist Christians, which are easily the single stupidest form of animal life with a central nervous system, have accepted the flood story as a parable or allegory.
There was no literal flood. Not ever. There's just too much evidence against it. And before you disengage your brain and start typing in comments to "prove" you're right, consider this: YOU CAN'T. I'm right about this. There was no great flood. Deal with it. And don't bother posting anything to the contrary; I've heard all the moronic "scientific evidence" for the flood that I can stomach. There is absolutely no pseudo-scientific nonsense you can post to prove there was a flood that I cannot refute. I know this for a fact because I've had to do it so often, and if anyone posts any, I'll break my "play nice with the readers" rule I placed on myself, prove you're an idiot, and hand you your dumb religious ass for being a fucking superstitious re-re all over my site.
ATTENTION ANYONE WHO WAS OFFENDED BY THE LAST TWO PARAGRAPHS: News flash, assholes - your religion isn't special. Nearly every culture on the face of the planet has a flood myth of some kind. You know why? Because all sources of fresh water flood from time to time, and all ancient peoples lived near sources of fresh water. It's what they drank and bathed in and fished in. Our ancestors, without the aid of computers or instructional pamphlets or The Bible, somehow figured out that water helps prevent the painful, deleterious condition known as "dying of thirst." So guess what they did? They lived next to it. Those guys never missed a trick. And when a flood came along, morons like you made up all manner of voodoo explanations because they weren't smart enough to track, calculate, and plan for floods like the heathen Greeks, Celts and Egyptians were doing a thousand years before the Romans, who were also heathen flood-trackers, nailed the god that some of you worship to spare lumber for being a public nuisance.
Listen, if you're still not convinced that the flood myth is exactly that, then here's how you can get me to admit I'm me wrong, and I'll swear to whatever power you want that I'll follow through with this in a very public way, both on this site, and on the air. This will be an excellent test, not only of my faith, but of yours. There are only eight simple steps:
1. Email me at sci.fi.guys@gmail.com and let me know you've accepted my challenge.
2. Pray to the invisible, all-powerful magical authority figure of your choice that you will be the one that proves Chris wrong. And I mean really pray, 'cause if you don't want and believe hard enough, it won't come true.
3. Set up an auto-focus video camera on a stable tripod focused on yourself sitting naked on a plain wooden chair alone in a well-lit room. Introduce yourself in a loud, clear voice, and tell us which specific deity it is that protects you. Enunciation is important, as we cannot accept tapes with inferior audio. The tape does not have to be digital; we can convert it in the studio. You may want to make sure that the chair is not one you mind losing, as it will likely not survive this challenge.
4. Attach to yourself three sticks of dynamite, one with a 60 second fuse, one with a 45 second fuse, and one with a 30 second fuse. One stick should be fastened to the back of your neck with super glue, one should be securely duct taped to your bare skin directly over your heart, and one should be clenched in your crotch (actually placing the dynamite in your rectum or vagina is not necessary nor will it get you extra points, but it will earn you my respect).
5. Next, as quickly as you can, drink one half-gallon of laundry grade chlorine bleach. I prefer the Clorox® brand with Fresh Meadow scent, because the bottle is more colorful and will look better on television, but that is not a requirement. Any bleach will do. Vomiting or choking is strictly prohibited; urges contrary to swallowing will be grounds for elimination from this challenge.
6. Quickly, before the bleach begins to adversely effect you, light the sticks of dynamite, then place the barrel of a loaded shotgun into your mouth and pull the trigger. Be sure to aim toward the roof of your mouth; if you inadvertently blow through the back of your neck and detach the stick of dynamite there, you will be disqualified. Sorry, no exceptions.
7. After all three sticks of dynamite have detonated, rise from the floor and approach the camera completely unharmed. Introduce yourself once again to the camera, thank the deity of your choice for his/her/its protection, then cease recording.
8. Email me again so we can make arrangements for you to hand deliver the tape for me to review. If all seems to be in order, I will make arrangements with you to repeat the experiment in the presence of myself and up to twelve other witnesses of my choice. If at that time we find no trickery on your part, I will admit that there is a possibility I may be wrong about the flood.
Hey, kids! Kurt Cobain says: "Kill yourself for Jesus!"
Alright, now that I've driven those people away, let's talk about the movie.
I've read that Evan Almighty cost $175 million to make. How the fuck is this possible? Did the studio not have an accountant? Where did that money go? I'd like to know, because it certainly didn't end up on the screen.
I'm not usually one to be caught at a loss for words, but I'll be damned if I can describe this movie. I'm tempted to talk about it in the context of Bruce Almighty, which I found to be a thoroughly enjoyable comedy, but in the first five minutes, this film purposefully distances itself so severely from that story that it may as well not be a sequel at all.
The movie opens with Evan in the newsroom, bidding a fond farewell to his co-anchors and going off to be a congressman. Apparently he's a nice guy now. Wasn't he a dick in Bruce Almighty? I don't remember, and they don't remind us. Nothing from the first film is addressed. Evan leaves and that's that. All ties from the first film have been severed.
Well, all ties except for this guy. I thought Morgan Freeman would be reprising his role as God, but it turns out they got a homeless meth addict with a nice Colonel Sanders suit to do the deed.
See how his lips are closed? You can thank me later. His teeth are FUCKED UP. I couldn't find any pictures that really do it justice, so just take my word for it when I tell you that his mouth is a fucking nightmare. It looks like he brushes his teeth with chocolate frosting and maple syrup. That may sound nasty to you now, but try imagine seeing it like I did, in the middle of the night on a fucking drive-in movie screen. I didn't sleep for a week. It's absolutely repulsive.
When his teeth get blown up to 50 times their original size on a movie screen, you can actually see his plaque tunneling and drilling and eating away at his gums and teeth, building microbe-sized universities and housing complexes, bridging their way from one blackened tooth remnant to the next to provide more convenient transportation for their advanced Jetsons-like tooth decay society. Sweet Jesus, I bet his mouth smells like a toilet main.
Seriously, Freeman, you won an Oscar. We know you've got money. You can afford a trip to the dentist. Fix your teeth, man.
Want some free acting lessons? Here's how to act EXACTLY like Morgan Freeman acts when playing God. First, pretend at all times that you know everything, but yet are surprised by human reaction to outrageous circumstances. If you tell a guy to build an ark because there's a flood coming, and then you make him grow long white hair and a beard that he can't shave off, then you make animals follow him around, and then you force him to dress in robes like a shepherd from the fucking Bronze Age, and all this shit you put him through nearly costs him his job and his family, by all means, act a little surprised if his faith wavers. That's the way Morgan played it.
Second, always, always, always speak as if you're delivering the emotional punchline in every "touching" insurance, douche, or phone company commercial ever made. Even if your line is "You know, Marge, I think I'd like to sodomize a Tiger Scout with a rusty can of New Coke," say it softly, conveying deep emotion, as if you've just fallen in love with the other person and now that you look back on your life, its clear that they were the only one you were ever meant to be with. And make sure you deliver EVERY LINE like this. After all, you're God. What you say counts.
Third, and this is the most crucial, look back to the original film in which you played God, examine your role very carefully, and deliver the same performance again, only this time remove all traces of fun and personality from the role. Were you a mischievous God the first time around? Charming, and maybe even a little bit of a dick, but in a very likable way? Not this time. Keep the lofty attitude and the dickishness, but cut the charisma. There's no room for it in sequels.
John Goodman plays a congressman, or senator, or whatever. To be honest, I don't really remember because I wasn't paying attention to his job title nearly as much as his horrible acting. Honestly, I was absolutely floored by how incredibly bad he was. There was a time maybe ten years or so ago when everybody and their brother was up John Goodman's ass. Remember that? "He's such a good actor, he's a great entertainer, he's the next Jackie Gleason, blah blah blah." This went on for about two years. Well, when I look back on it, I think the truth of the matter is that John Goodman has only ever played one role in his life: Dan Connor. He played Dan Connor on Roseanne, he played a Dan Connor who can sing in King Ralph, he played a Dan Connor who couldn't sing in Blues Brothers 2000, he played a semi-retarded Dan Connor in Frosty Returns, and he's playing a stuffy, asshole Dan Connor in Evan Almighty. Oh, yeah, this guy's got range.
This has to be his most horrible performance ever. His character is smarmy, greedy, clearly a criminal, and makes no effort to hide it. Although the dialogue is written so that it sounds like he's hiding it, Goodman portrays an asshole to the hilt. Its not in the slightest bit realistic. Its like he thought he was in a Green Hornet radio play or something. Tone it down, Goodman. You're a bad man, we get it. Save something for the climax.
Congressman Dan Connor has built a huge CGI dam in what appears to be the middle of a forest. I'm not sure how he managed this, but there it is, a huge, man-made lake in the middle of the woods, looming ominously over the trees. There's some talk early on about how he got it done on the cheap, and maybe he didn't follow safety regulations to the letter. You know what would have been just as effective as this dialogue? Having an announcer with a megaphone sitting in the back every theatre, and when the dam is on screen announcing "Your attention, please. This dam will burst later during the climax of the film. That's where the flood will come from. Thank you." Both messages are equally effective at ruining the ending of the movie, and my way takes less time and isn't nearly as annoying or patronizing.
Am I sending you bad signals about this film? You ain't heard nothin' yet. Because its gets SO much worse. There's someone in this movie who makes all the other shit look so good you're think you're watching porn when she's not on the screen. Guess who they got to REALLY ruin this movie. Wanda goddamn motherfucking baby raping Sykes.
Today's Topic: WANDA FUCKING SYKES
Wanda Sykes is a piece of shit actress who began her career as a piece of shit comedian. Although I cannot verify this, I'm certain she was a piece of shit even before that. Her website, which is also a piece of shit, has this to say about her: "Wanda Sykes has been called one of the funniest stand up comics by her peers and ranks among Entertainment Weekly’s 25 Funniest People in America."
Her peers? Shit, you mean there are other worthless, no-talent gorgons from Hell running around, making me vomit into my own mouth with their utter lack of humor and likability? And when the fuck did goddamned Entertainment Weekly become a quotable judge of what's funny? Being in Entertainment Weekly's 25 Funniest People in America is like being one of the 50 Sexiest People as voted for by the Association Of Blind Retarded Disfigured Puritan Eunuchs. Who gives a shit? Its meaningless.
I've seen Wanda Sykes's stand-up routines over the years and I've seen her in movies. She's not funny. She's never been funny, not even accidentally. She stands at the opposite end of the bell curve that has "entertainment" on the other side. If aliens ever invade this planet with the intent of wiping us all out to make room for a more worthy species, someone, somewhere will ask them why. And if the aliens point to Wanda Sykes as one of their reasons, I will be the first in line to defend their motives and volunteer myself for disintegration. Any planet that would let her be a celebrity has it coming. I can't think of one redeeming thing about her, not at all. If I were to kill her and throw her nasty ass on the grill, I'd bet good money that even her basic proteins would prove somehow unsuitable for digestion. In every way that a human being can be so, she is loathsome.
Here's a complete list of people who like Wanda Sykes:
• Racists
That's it. If you like Wanda Sykes, congratulations; you're a fucking racist. By turning herself into the walking stereotype of a "sassy black woman," Wanda Sykes has done more than Micheal Jackson, Jesse Jackson, the Ku Klux Klan, and The WB have collectively to pigeonhole black people as one dimensional stereotypes and set back the cause of civil rights in this country. Every stupid fucking wide-eyed head bob she does costs black Americans a little bit more of their freedom. Every "haaiiill no" she delivers is a kick in the gonads to all those who have done so much to dispel the Stepin Fetchit image that used to pervade our media. Her entire career consists of one long, unfunny blackface routine, only she doesn't put any makeup on because she already has a black face. Next year her entire "comedy" act will consist of her going on stage and singing "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby," and then, just in case the audience doesn't realize she's a fucking Uncle Tom hack who is destroying the public image of black people with her behavior, she'll follow up with rousing renditions of "Jump Jim Crow" and "Mammy." The DVD will be available in fine retail outlets near you.
Here's my solution to the world's energy crisis:
We dig into the graves of Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Frederick Douglas and secure their bodies to heavy duty railroad axles. Then we wrap them in high tension belts connected to the drive shafts of massive hydroelectric turbines like the ones inside Hoover Dam. Then we just have Wanda Sykes start talking. Just have her start babbling away about how white folks is diff'rent, or how them bill collectors be callin' all up in my phizone, or how massa' done likes his grits good and hot in the mo'nin' or else I be a gettin' a me whoopin', sho' nuff. And that's it. They'll be spinning so damn fast that the generators might not be able to handle the load. We'll have to install a series of safeties and flywheels and reduction gears so we can ramp down the power. New sciences will be built around the design of stronger drive belts, which will be better able to handle the friction and stress of the rapidly spinning corpses. Big oil and OPEC will collapse as the free electricity from my awesome idea is pumped through power grids across the globe, and the earth will be a paradise full of cheap energy and no Wanda Sykes, because she'll be busy at the power plant running her stupid yap day and night so I can watch better things than her on my TV. That's my solution, world. You're welcome.
You're probably waiting for me to make some snide comments on the fact that God was pretty much an asshole throughout this movie, and almost always completely unnecessarily so. But I'm not gonna. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give the movie a little credit for it. The reason is simple; I've read the book of Job. God visiting utter ruin down upon people that don't really deserve it is an established biblical tradition, so I will give the movie some props in the authenticity department. What I can't understand is that God pretty much let the wicked completely off the hook at the end of this fucking travesty. After the dam breaks, all the assholes who laughed at Evan jump on the ark and ride it to Capitol Hill where, conveniently, every single person who appeared in this movie is waiting on a big marble balcony, watching the ark crash right where they're standing. Did George Lucas write this screenplay? Its fucking brilliant.
And in the the flood, NOT A SINGLE PERSON DIED. What the fuck is this shit? God really drops the ball on this one. The God I've read about in the Old Testament was a hard ass; that water should be thick with dead sinners. He would've killed most of them, and the ones he let survive he would have made an example of. He would have given them painful, smelly boils all over their bodies and sent rabid locusts to eat their children. He would have set their tongues on fire and turned their eyes into snakes. Isn't God supposed to be wrathful and drop fire and comets on people? Well, not here. In Evan Almighty he's a fucking pussy. He doesn't even let the animals eat any politicians. Weak, weak, weak. That should have been the mission statement of this movie: "Let's make it weak."
This is Swirly Rocket. It is a plastic rocket filled with water and little colored plastic balls. Its sits on my desk at work and makes a whirlpool and flashes pretty lights when I turn it on. Like Evan Almighty, its sole purpose for existing is to entertain. Let's do a side-by-side comparison, shall we?
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Cost me $3 for 2 hours of boredom and disgust
Cost me $4 and I get to keep it forever 
But there is one great thing about this pile of crap, one thing I will forever love this movie for: they disproved the ark. Not to say they disproved the flood, mind you, but they disproved the possibility of Noah building the boat itself. The production team, in an ironic attempt to pay tribute to the Old Testament, decided to build the ark following the instructions in the Bible, and proved it couldn't be done. The ark they came up with was roughly 450 feet long, 80 feet wide, and 51 feet high. But it was too heavy. Neither the ground nor the frame of the boat itself could support the weight of the boat as it was being constructed, and the damn thing was going to collapse in on itself. They had to build a concrete base to support it and keep it from caving in. The method for building the ark is spelled out pretty clearly in Genesis, but there is no mention made of a support base, nor where a drunk farmer like Noah was going to get a few cement trucks full of concrete to build it.
Incidentally, the ark couldn't have handled the ridiculous shooting the rapids bullshit they showed in the climax of Evan Almighty. The ark as described in the Bible would have been a lot larger than the longest wooden ship ever built, the schooner Wyoming. The Wyoming's wooden hull was so long that its planks would warp when waves hit different parts of the ship at different times, causing massive leaks and necessitating the use of several bilge pumps to even keep the thing afloat. And it was held together with iron bands and 90 steel crossbraces. The ark, on the other hand, would have had no metal banding or braces at all, and would have been much more massive than the Wyoming, even without two of every animal in the world weighing it down. It could not have handled the stress of motion as seen in Evan Almighty, nor could it have handled the massive warping which would have resulted from rising from dry dock, weathering a 40-day storm, staying afloat for another 150 days, then coming to rest on the side of a fucking mountain. It would have bent open, flooded itself, and sunk with all hands lost, just like the Wyoming did in 1924.
So here's the tally:
Chris - 1
Evan Almighty and flood myths - 0
Leave a comment below and tell me how much I rule. Or just wait 'til next Easter; maybe I'll review The Ten Commandments. That'll be a rockin' good time!
September 5th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Why Nepal will never be a world power:
September 5th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Holy shit! That is the most fucked up thing I have heard in a long damn time.
Thank you, DanM, for providing this much needed warning to the world: never, EVER fly Nepal Airlines. They don’t have maintenance crews with wrenches and gauges. They have a fucking witch doctor who fixes planes by killing goats.
How in the hell does a dead goat repair bad wiring? The pilot and maintenance crews had to know this was an electrical problem. The airline had to know it was an electrical problem. The local media apparently found out it was an electrical problem. Where the fuck does the goat enter into it? I don’t get it. Stop wasting time and goats, and go fix the fucking plane!
Son of a bitch, this is fucking scary. You know what? Fuck religious tolerance. That this shit honestly goes on and is tolerated is absolutely unthinkable. What if someone you loved was on that plane and it smashed into a mountain because of an electrical problem that didn’t get fixed because the airline sacrificed a fucking goat instead of doing some routine maintenance? How tolerant would you feel then? Who would you blame, the goat?
Am I the only one who is terrified that the world has seemingly lost all sense of reason? Am I the only fucking person out here who finds it completely mortifying that we exist in a society that can move hundreds of people at four times the speed of sound in multi-million dollar aircraft that could conceivably be maintained not by the intelligent application of technology and human skill, but with wish-fulfillment based Stone Age mystical rituals and blind, ignorant hope? Son of a bitch, this pisses me off. I am scared and pissed.
Fucking religions, man. They’re going to end our species before an asteroid ever gets a chance.
“Pick a religion — any religion — and collect your free pass from criticism!”
- Charles Stross, Pernicious Reporting, August 23, 2007
September 5th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Amen
September 5th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Goat Sacrifice Safety & Maintenance Programs
since 1958.
September 6th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
The Sci-Fi Guys are sending out some much deserved congratulations to Blackberry Smoke. The boys just got the exclusive track "Up In Smoke" released on EA Sports NASCAR 08. Balthazar and I checked it out last week and the song rocks. According to Balthazar the game itself is hard as hell, but I wouldn't know because that motherfucker hogged the controls the whole time. OTHER PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAY GAMES, TOO, BASTARD. As for "Up In Smoke," great job, guys. Its a hell of a track.
September 6th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Anybody else notice that our search engine sucks balls?
I wanted to get some info on Mouser’s previous Blackberry Smoke review, so I searched for “Mouser” and came up with nothing. He’s posted plenty of stuff, so I know for a fact he should show up in a search. So I tried searching on a few of our other loyal posters: T2K7, Adam Bailey, Szélső Fa, Steamroller, JLA FTW, meepy… NOBODY’S SHOWING UP. The search engine sucks. Its only checking the weblog archives, not the comments. God knows what else its missing.
Fuck that search engine. I wrote us a new one. If you want to find something on the site, try this one instead. Its powered by Google and a lot more reliable. And I made it easy to read because I’m old and going blind.
September 7th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Yes that song does indeed rock. If you can find the live cds that I gave you of their show in Owensboro it is on there. At least I thought I gave them to you. FYI the boys were in LA on Wed. I think. Anyway they did a show at the Viper Room and Slash got up and played with them. This is the second show this has happened at, the other time was a show in Texas. They are now opening a bunch of shows for ZZ Top of course non even close to here. I wish some one would sign them so they could put out that elusive damn 2nd cd.
September 7th, 2007 at 11:30 am
According to their website, they’re already recording new songs for the second album. I’ve heard studio time is damn pricey, so I can’t imagine they’d pay all that money for nothing. If they really are recording new tracks, I’d expect the second CD within a year.
September 7th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
The following can be found on http://www.scifi.com
While I’m not sure how I feel about Tobey Maguire being attached to the project, I’m psyched about the potential of this movie.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Love the franchise, hate this title.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Plus I read somewhere that there aren’t gonna be any Nazi’s in it. I can’t remeber when it’s going to be set, but boooooooo no Nazi’s.
September 11th, 2007 at 11:31 am
New article about the Indiana Jones movie is on the way.
I’ve really got to stop getting distracted and finish up that TransFormers review. At this rate the DVD will be out before my review is.
September 11th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
DVD comes out October 16th. Better hurry up
September 11th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
If I told you I promised to have the article published before then, would you believe me?
September 12th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
This was reported last week on Movies.com. I’m such a slacker.
September 12th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
The Indiana Jones article will probably not be done today, folks. I hit a bar with my lovely cousin H-Bomb last night, and we drowned our collective woes in mucho tequila.
Jesus, that girl can drink. We had a $110 bar tab, and she matched me almost shot for shot. She's 23 and skinny, about 130 pounds. I'm 32 and weigh approximately 1,400 pounds, and she kept up with me without complaint. She's like some sort of cybernetic alcohol disposal unit. After what I saw last night, I can't be entirely sure she's from this planet. It wasn't until the very last shot of the evening that she couldn't hang. As soon as the tequila hit her lips she got The Look. That look that every drunk who has reached their limit gets. The look that says, "As soon as this hits my stomach its coming right back up, and its gonna bring all its friends back up with it." So she decided that it would be best if I finished it off for her. That put me technically about 1.85 shots ahead at the finish line. Besides that, though, we were dead even.
Anyway, Jose is still inside my skull, fuckin' with my head right now, making it hard for me to do anything but pound coffee all day to stay alert. So I probably won't be focused enough to finish the Indy article today. However, since we're speaking of coffee…
Woo-hoo, my first book review! Usually Mark is our go-to guy for book reviews, but I know I'm not stepping on Mark's toes here, because there's no way in hell he'll ever read this book.
I just finished The Coffee Trader after letting it collect dust for about two years. God damn, this is an interesting book. It's all about Miguel Lienzo, a Portuguese Jew and rapidly failing businessman, who moved to Amsterdam to escape religious persecution from the Inquisition. Set in 1659, Lienzo is trying to regain a lost fortune, but is constantly forced to navigate the tricky political waters of the Portuguese Jewish immigrant community, adapt to the ever changing Amsterdam commodities exchange, deal with his own strained family relations, broker deals in seedy, dangerous taverns, and try to understand the whims and motivations of his mysteriously seductive business partner, the widow Geertruid Damhuis. It is Geertruid that introduces him to coffee, a drink little known in Europe which is mainly enjoyed by lowly immigrant Turks. With Geertruid's financial backing, the novelty and stimulative properties of coffee, and his own clever manipulation of the commodities exchange, Miguel Lienzo comes up with a masterful plan to create for himself and Geertruid the dream of every merchant in the world - a legal monopoly over the trade of a rare new product.
Since the Inquisition confiscates all property of those convicted of heresy, it takes every opportunity to "investigate" prosperous Jews, who have no legal means of defense. Seeking out the more tolerant (and financially safer) religious attitudes of the Netherlands, Portuguese Jews who flee to Amsterdam find that there they face an equally dangerous religious threat in the form of the Ma'amad. The Ma'amad is a sect of politically and financially powerful Jews which "protect" the Jewish community in Amsterdam with such a strictly authoritarian hand that they have effectively created a religious police state. As a former converso, a Jew forced to convert to Christianity but who continued to practice Judaism in secret, Miguel Lienzo uses his experience and skills that kept him off the Inquisition's radar to try and avoid trouble with the Ma'amad. Often notably unsuccessfully.
This book was riveting, masterfully written, and personally engaging right up until the last chapter. The ending, however, is such a complete letdown that it almost ruins the whole experience. You know how some television shows get canceled late in the season, so the writers come up with a finale that wraps up every single plot thread that ever appeared throughout the entire run of the series, and compress all of it into a single, emotionally unsatisfying episode? That's exactly what the last chapter of The Coffee Trader was like. It honestly felt like Liss just got tired of writing and wrapped everything up as quickly as he could without regard to closure or the impact it would have on the reader.
A lot of successful movies move as quickly as possible from the climax to the end of the film, but that same philosophy doesn't necessarily work for books. Books like The Coffee Trader contain a hell of a lot more information than the two- or three-plot structure of most films, and therefore require more time to resolve all those unfinished stories. Liss, unfortunately, did not take that time. The way things are left between Miguel and Geertruid was particularly disappointing, especially as she was such an interesting character and such an important part of the novel. Liss seemed to want to get her out of the story as soon as he could; I would rather have had the entire final chapter devoted to her at the expense of any and all of the other peripheral characters' stories. Liss should have taken the time to do each of his characters and subplots justice with resolutions befitting the complexity and charm with which they were written.
Should you go out and spend money on this book? Without question. If I had known ahead of time that the ending was sub-par, I'm certain I would have found it far more palatable. Now that you have been warned, I can't imagine you won't enjoy this novel, maybe even more than I did. Despite the one glaring flaw, the ending, The Coffee Trader is fantastic. For anyone who may be curious about the style and mood of the writing, here's the first page, courtesy of the good folks over at Amazon:
The Coffee Trader is purely historical fiction, and contains no elements of sci-fi or fantasy. Since I'm reviewing this book in the comments, where anything goes, I don't technically have to tie this in with sci-fi, but I'd be insane not to. This book is just begging to be turned into a 7th Sea adventure. The 17th century intrigue, the secret societies, the seedy taverns full of ne'er-do-wells, the international politics of big money, and the omnipresent spectre of the Inquisition looming above it all… hell, its practically a 7th Sea story already.
What was particularly striking was how Liss made the financial force of the Dutch Golden Age readily understood, which resonates with 7th Sea quite nicely. Being a long time fan of 7th Sea, I had read that the Vendel, who are a fictionalized and simplified version of 17th century Scandinavians, were the monetary center of the world. But despite the game's assertion of this fact, it was not until I read The Coffee Trader that I really understood how the Dutch/Vendel companies had come by their wealth and influence. While The Coffee Trader lacks the swashbuckling action and mystical aspects that make 7th Sea such a great game, I would not be surprised in the least if someone employed a little creative embellishment to write and run an exceptional 7th Sea campaign based around this novel. Who knows, it might even be me…
September 15th, 2007 at 9:13 am
Set sail for awesome!
September 17th, 2007 at 11:48 am
How many times have I asked you not to post pictures of my street? If the public finds out where my dojo/magic temple is, the rest of my ninja clan will be PISSED. Now I’m gonna have to spend all damn day smoothing this over.
Thanks for nothing, dude. The other ninja don’t have my sense of humor about these kinds of things. Don’t be surprised if you catch a shuriken in the throat.
September 17th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Not to nit-pick or anything, but posting a picture of your street in no way makes up for you killing my sisters and raping my brothers.
Oh, btw, Mom says hi!
September 18th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Okay, you win. You’re right; I kinda had the street posting coming. But you gotta admit, the night with your siblings was damn fun. Even though you were tied up and being “forced” to watch it all go down, I’m fairly certain I caught you enjoying yourself once or twice when you thought nobody was looking. Pervert.
IN OTHER NEWS: I’ve known for a long time that there was a re-release of Blade Runner in the works with extended, possibly new, footage and a whole new cut of the movie. But I never in my wettest dreams imagined this:
How fucking incredible is that?! Blade Runner: The Ultimate Collector’s Edition five-disc DVD set in a replica of Deckard’s metal briefcase. Three different sets will be available, a 2-disc, 4-disc, and sweet ass 5-disc version.
Disc 1 will be Ridley Scott’s all new “Final Cut” - restored and remastered with added and extended scenes, added lines, new and cleaner special effects, and all new 5.1 sound, and a commentary by Ridley Scott and whoever else.
Disc 2 is the feature length documentary “Dangerous Days: Making of Blade Runner.”
Disc 3 will have three versions of the movie. The first is the 1982 original theatrical American version that contains Deckard’s narration and has Deckard and Rachel’s “happy ending” escape scene. Sweet Lucifer in Hell, I have to have this. Despite my best efforts and a lot of money wasted renting old VHS tapes, I have NEVER found this version of the movie. IT WILL BE MINE! Also on disc 3 will be the unrated 1982 international version which contains some extended action sequences not seen in the American release. Last but not least, disc three has the 1992 Director’s Cut, which omits Deckard’s narration and removes the “happy ending” finale, but has the famous “unicorn” sequence, and if you don’t know what that is then you are not a big enough sci-fi geek for your own good, and you need to go out and buy the 5-disc version of this movie immediately.
Disc 4 is an “Enhancement Archive,” which is a pointlessly fancy way of saying ’special features disc.’ It will have eight featurettes, image galleries, a radio interview with the author, and screen tests for the part of Rachel.
Disc 5 is a workprint version of the movie, a rare version of the film that I’ve never even heard of. Its supposedly the most radically different of all the Blade Runner versions. It has an altered opening scene, no Deckard narration until the final scenes, no “unicorn” sequence, no Deckard/Rachel “happy ending,” altered lines between Roy and Tyrell, and alternate music. Sounds interesting. The disc also includes the featurette “All Our Variant Futures: From Workprint to Final Cut.”
The Ultimate Collector’s Edition is packaged in a limited edition, numbered Deckard briefcase and features a Spinner car replica, Unicorn figurine, illustration and photo cards, and a lenticular motion film clip in lucite. GOD DAMN I WANT THIS!
Oh, and Q, it will be available in both HD and Blu-Ray as well, so you can rush right out and buy yourself a Blu-Ray and support Sony. I know you’re their biggest fan.
September 20th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
It's a Murphys review people so you know it's a long one.
Last night headed up to Columbus solo for the Dropkick Murphys show at the Newport. (Sorry, Chris, didn't have much traffic issues so no good quotes for you after this Columbus trip.) Been six months since the last show so I was due to catch them live again. Dave couldn't make it, so I ended up going solo. No one was crazy enough to go, or more likely just didn't want to spend 6 hours in a car with me. Found out yesterday was OSU's first day back and it was a nightmare going thru campus to make it to the Newport, but finally found a garage and headed in.
Missed the first opener. The HorrorPops were on 2nd, and were pretty good. Kinda unfair for me on openers as I am just waiting on the Dropkicks. Finally, about 10 the lights were killed and the Chieftains with Sinead O'Connor came on the PA. On the way up listening to the new CD I was thinking "Famous For Nothing" would make a great opener. Sure enough, right after "The Foggy Dew" ended the PA played the kids in the hallway opener of "Famous" and at the school bell the Murphys exploded onto the stage with it. Great song, and loved the use of it as an opener. Right into "Boys On the Dock" and another new one "Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya" into "Heroes From Our Past." A break as they introduced "Your Spirit's Alive" and then into "Warriors Code." Hadn't heard "Warriors Code" much in the past shows lately, so was glad to hear it back it in the set. "Bastards On Parade" was up next and helped slow things down a bit and gave people a chance to catch their breath.
"Citizens CIA" followed, with "State of Massachusetts" right behind it. "Auld Triangle "followed which lead into another new one, "God Willin'." Another new tune I look forward to hearing multiple times live. Big chorus that allows the fans to get into it.
Slowing things down, "Wild Rover" was up next. Another live favorite of mine as the crowd clapping along in the chorus. For the older fans they threw in "John Law" next before hitting "Vices and Virtues" off the new album and the faster version of "Fields of Athenry." "Shattered" from the new album was next and is really growing on me.
"Forever" was dedicated to the troops and slowed things down. Then they hit with 5 songs to end the set. "Workers Song" into "Flannigans's Ball," "Barroom Hero" (still my favorite song by them) and "Captain Kelly's Kitchen." Closed the set with "Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced" which was a little surprising as that meant no "Spicy McHaggis Jig." The encore started with "Shipping Up to Boston" and probably got the biggest reaction of the night. From there it was onto "Skinhead on the MBTA" and over the barrier onto the stage.
Was lucky enough to grab a setlist and when I got to the mic ended up standing by Dave, one of the guys from Cleveland I see in Boston every year. Finally found out his name; figured it was time after about three years of talking to him up there. The cover of "Alcohol" closed the set.
Let's Go Murphys!!! Only 10 days until the show in Boston and 54 days till the Bogart's show.
Until next time…
September 20th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Jesus Christ, today has been the worst fucking day. I don’t usually do this on the site, but god damn, I’ve got to vent. I hope you’ll forgive a little self indulgent bitching and moaning.
My grandma, who has been sick for the past year or so, died somewhat unxpectedly today. We knew her time was limited but I honestly thought she’d be around a while longer. Around noon today I got the call. We weren’t very close, but still, she was my last grandparent. H-Bomb and I had plans to take a road trip and go see her Saturday; I was really looking forward to it. If I ever have kids, which is looking increasingly unlikely, they will never meet any of my grandparents. Fucking sucks. Frog Boy’s taking it harder than I am, so I’m keeping it together for him. I think the funeral will hit him hard.
Then I got called into a meeting where I was told my job was very much at risk because I have been accused of doing all manner of unprofessional shit. I’m talking about crazy shit that I cannot explain, and that, for the most part, I have no way to refute. Stupid kids fresh out of high school wouldn’t pull the stunts they accused me of, yet they think I’ve somehow decided to lie and falsify records and all sorts of nonsense, and that I’ve been doing so for the last six months. And for no benefit whatsoever. Until everything has been cleared I’m not really going to go into details, but nothing they said I did would net me cash, esteem, promotions, anything. Apparently they think I’m just that kinda guy. All this bullshit for a dead-end job I can’t fucking stand. Sweet Jesus, I hope to Christ this place fucking burns.
I’m flat broke. I got a speeding/expired tags ticket for fucking $245. I paid it and thought they’d cashed the check. So I paid a bunch of bills when my paycheck rolled in, and after I sent the bills off, THEN they cashed the check. So I’ve got a bunch of checks out there that have no money to back them up, which means I’m gonna have to pay $30 overdraft for every check that would otherwise bounce. And I don’t get paid for another week and a half, so I’ve got to make due with whatever I’ve got in my wallet and whatever loose change I can dig out of my couch. Then, when my next paycheck comes in, it’ll be time to pay the mortgage and more bills. So I’m basically going to be flat broke for a month or so.
But at least I’m fat and lonely. That’s good. Its nice to have something to fall back on. Today is my anniversary, or it would be. I’m not sure of the correct tenses and terminology one uses after one’s wife leaves and reduces him to a semi-robotic man-thing that walks around like a piece of emotionally hollow meat that can see no point in life. I’d fucking shoot myself, but guess what? Even if I really wanted to, I seriously couldn’t afford a gun.
Fucking balls, this day is shit. Shit, shit, shit.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
September 27th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
The following was found at http://www.scifi.com
September 28th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
$700 million worldwide is not too damn shabby for a movie that wasn't all that great. And the DVD hasn't even dropped yet. I'll bet once you add DVD sales, this movie will cross the billion dollar mark before June 2008.
September 28th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I’m taking bets now that Chris’s review of the first movie still hasn’t come out before the second movie does
September 28th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
I’ve already decided that review will not be out until at least November. I’m going to review the DVD as well as the movie. Besides, Monday is October 1st, and you know what that means…
That’s right, once again the whole month of October will be dedicated to bringing you nothing but Halloween goodies. Be sure to check in often during the month of October, because there will be new Halloween articles nearly every day.