Independence Day, Sci-Fi Guys style - Part II
Alright, quick recap of Part I: To celebrate July 4th, I traveled to the prehistoric land of Indiana to shop at Trav's, where I bought a bunch of sci-fi fireworks and watched a family fall apart. I brought them back to Ma and Pa Sci-Fi's farm in Kentucky to blow them up. Then I got tired of writing and quit. This is where I start again.
There's the whole haul. Before I went to Trav's, I stopped by a Big Lots and picked up two pre-packaged fireworks bundles. I did this for two reasons; 1) I had never been to Trav's before, and wanted to have some backups in case his selection sucked, and 2) I had never bought a big package of assorted fireworks before, and I wanted to see if they were worth the price. I won't keep you in suspense; they're not.
The bundles are mostly low-powered fountains which, despite each having a different name and unique colorful paper wrapper, look pretty much exactly the same when lit. A few had a little more red or green here and there, but really you're getting about twenty versions of the same three fountains. Definitely NOT worth my $70. However, I can't bitch about them too much, because they did give me these:
I have no idea if 'Bizarre' is the name of the creature on the wrapper, the name of the firework itself, or both. I also have no idea what it looks like when lit, since I lit about 30 fountains drunk in the dark, which were being handed to me just as fast as I could get away from the last one. I will go ahead and assume that Bizarre looks pretty, just like all the other fountains I lit, but not remarkable. Its really too bad all the sci-fi fountains were just like all the others, and got so easily lost in the crowd. I hoped they'd be more special.
Oh, and just a note about the Glo-Fuze feature; the idea is a great one. They've impregnated the fuses with some sort of glow in the dark chemical that lets you see them at night. Like I said, its a great idea. Unfortunately, in practice it doesn't work out so well. First, like every other phosphorescent object in the world, the wicks need to be exposed to light for a good while before they'll glow. Most people, like me, aren't going to unwrap the fuses in a well lit room and let them absorb enough light in advance of setting them off. Fireworks guys are very much driven by impulse. We're gonna rip them open just moments before we light them. Secondly, a good match in the dark will let you see a firework fuse perfectly clearly, so there's really no need for the Glo-Fuze in the first place. But a cool idea and a great name nonetheless.
Laser cannons! Like the kind they used against SKYNET! Go human resistance! Go Blazing Rebel! Alright, I'm gonna level with you, folks; its fucking HARD to write about fireworks. All I did was buy, them, light them, run away from them, and watch them burn. I was so excited to find so many sci-fi fireworks, but really the fountains were all the same. It was nice to watch the first few, but after that they all sort of blended together, and although I got some decent pics, the truth of the matter is that fountains get a little boring after a while. So let's switch the focus to something more exciting. Like explosives.
These were the very first sci-fi fireworks I found at Trav's. Mad Man Cracker holds the distinction of being the only racist sounding explosives I've ever seen that you can pull from inside the gaping jaws of a fanged robot gorilla. I will sleep very well tonight in the confidence that I am the first human being to ever form that sentence, ever, in the history of the universe. I totally rule. I am the vocabu-master. All your words are belong to me!
Like most firecrackers, there's not much to see of Mad Man Crackers before or after you light them. But these things are loud as hell; much louder than Black Cats or Thunder Bombs. And the handful I threw into the bonfire blew hot coals and flaming pieces of wood a lot farther than most firecrackers do when I do that. People around our fires think I'm an asshole, but everyone out of range always thinks I'm hilarious. No matter which side of that debate you're on, Mad Man Crackers seem to amplify the critiques, so they get my stamp of approval. They also look like little sticks of dynamite you can blow the hands off your action figures with. How cool is that?
Ah, there it is! The annual family bonfire, in all its glory. This was the first time I'd ever used my camera to take pictures of fire, and I didn't do too well at first. Click the pic to check out a fuzzy, overexposed version that shows you some perspective as to the size of the fire; that's a 33' swimming pool in the background.
The bonfire is one of our most beloved family traditions. This is Pa Sci-Fi's side of the family, and they don't get together too often, mostly because they're scattered in all directions and there's so damn many of them. My dad is one of ten children, all of whom have children of their own, and most of whom have grandchildren. Turns out Grandma really liked to fuck. And it runs in the family. At least I know I get it honest.
We aren't around each other a lot, so when it comes to the few family traditions we do have, we observe them ritually. Rain or shine, come hell or high water, no matter what, we have a bonfire every year. Lighting it has become a sort of ritual in itself over the years. Initially Uncle John, my flame-father and immolation mentor, sire of my cousin H-Bomb, whom I've discussed here before, was The Bringer Of The Flame. Over the past few years he has passed the torch to me, if you'll excuse the pun.
Uncle John and I are the ones who light the bonfire. The family all gathers 'round to watch it happen, and they KNOW BETTER, because every year we try to outdo ourselves with the amount of gasoline we use. The yardstick of our success is the power of the shockwave created when the vapor ignites. We pride ourselves in rattling the windows of Ma and Pa Sci-Fi's house, which stands about 100 feet away from the bonfire site (or, as we affectionately refer to it, 'Ground Zero'). This year we decided to do something that had never been done before; we worked together. Angels and ministers of grace, defend us.
Seeing as I was a little tipsy from the nine gallons of tequila I had guzzled that afternoon, Uncle John walked up to me as I was unsteadily pouring the gas, placed a stabilizing hand on my shoulder, and quietly asked "Do you wanna make this a big one?" In our secret fire language that translates to "We both know we want this ignition shockwave to be as powerful as possible without involving the military, so let's forget for the moment that these people are our family, and make a fireball so big they'll have no choice but to shit their pants in abject terror."
"Sure" I said. That's how easily a pact with the Devil can be signed.
I knew exactly what he had in mind, so I handed him the can and grabbed a propane torch. He was going to saturate the pile with gasoline in a spot where there was an air pocket large enough to trap a LOT of vapor. Then he was going to slowly walk toward me, trailing a line of gas behind him like a fuse. Because we are actually a lot more safety conscious than all this is making us sound, this would serve a dual purpose; it would allow me to light the fire in relative safety and allow him to make a break for it so both he and the gas can would be well out of range when the pile went up. I noticed how he was just standing there with the gas can upturned over the pile, his entire body radiating ultimate satisfaction; he'd found a big air pocket. I walked a little further back than usual, allowing him an easier getaway as well as giving the gas vapor maximum time to build up in that deathtrap he'd found. He walked past me trailing the fuse, grinning like a madman. I gave him two extra seconds, then I torched it.
BOOM! It sounded like a fucking plane crash. If there's anything more satisfying than starting a fire like that, its witnessing the reactions of the people inside the blast radius. They know we do this every year, and they know that they shouldn't stand so close. I accept no responsibility, and I feel no guilt. The shockwave hit my family like a suckerpunch; my aunts screamed, my uncles cursed, little kids whimpered and hid behind the nearest adult. Arms went up to protect faces, windows shook, the night was suddenly day again, and the sound reverberated down the entire valley where my parents live. And all the while my uncle and I stood there, looking proudly at our latest masterpiece. That explosion was fucking incredible. It was one of the best we've had in my lifetime.
As you may have noticed by now, most of the images in both parts of this article link to pictures of fireworks. Most of those photographs are very professional, and none of them are mine. Now we're going to look at my pictures. Some of them are out of focus, some are too dark or overexposed, and some of them are just plain unusual. They're definitely not pro material, but I think some of them turned out alright. I've created this gallery of all the pics that I found appealing, whether or not they're technically any good. For some reason, each of these photos struck a chord with me, so I'm sharing them with you guys. Just click any of the thumbnails below to see the sci-fi/fantasy fountains in action.
Every fireworks display needs a big finish, and for my post-fountain finale I chose Death Ray. Death Ray is the sci-fi-iest of the sci-fi fireworks, what with the giant UFO and the electric blue death beam, and the plague of invading alien saucers descending from outer space to cut a swath of destruction through some hapless big city. This thing was big and heavy; a roughly hexagonal pillar approximately the size and weight of a large human head. Now that I'm reading that over I realize how weird it sounds, but that's really the best way to describe Death Ray. It was big. It was chunky. It was hefty. You could tell it was one of the ones that would hurt you if you didn't get away from it fast enough.
And it was so pretty. I don't mean the fireworks that came out of it, I mean the package itself. Death Ray is one of those things in life that seems designed to disappoint, because the outward appearance is so cool that the inside can't possibly live up to the expectations it creates. You just know it. And then you light it and find out that you are dead wrong.
This thing was so oh my fucking god AWESOME! It wasn't too colorful, but it was loud and bright and big. It shot at least a hundred feet high and sounded just like the cannon sound effect in every Civil War movie ever made. And any complaints I might have had about the lack of color were completely overshadowed by its two best features, duration and surprise. Death Ray lasted for a good long time, and it constantly changed. Shot after shot would go up and you never knew what this thing was going to do next; a chandelier, followed by a ring, followed by an explosion of strobes, followed by a starburst - Death Ray had everything. It was the perfect way to end the show. Standing there watching it with jaw agape, I only managed to snap ten pics of it, five of which didn't turn out. The rest are below.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I love that you have all those fireworks propped up on the window and behind them is a storage tank for fuel oil.
July 25th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Actually, dear, its even worse than that. That’s a 350 gallon tank of compressed propane. You guys out there can’t see this, but the bonfire is separated from the propane by a three-car garage, lengthwise. That placement was no accident. There’s a LOT of gas in that tank. And there are some explosions even I want nothing to do with.
July 25th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Sci-Fi Guys music correspondent Mouser
Tuesday night we caught the Bad Boys Of Rock tour in Louisville with the Exies, Buckcherry, Papa Roach and Hinder. Scas even came down to the show, so it was good to see him.
After the nightmare of traffic, thanks L'ville for deciding to shut down I-64 completely downtown and sending everyone around the outer belt great idea during the heaviest traffic time of the year, I finally got to the venue to find out the Exies were added. Could have skipped them and let Buckcherry play a lot longer.
Buckcherry came on second and kicked the usual ass. Opened with "So Far" into "Broken Glass" as they have been on this tour. Was quite happy to see Keith's roadie come out and set up the talk box as I figured that meant I would FINALLY get to hear "Outta Line." Sure enough, "Outta Line" was third. By far my favorite song on 15 and it sounded great live. Everything was next and it's great to hear that song in each set now. "Sorry" was next and was okay. For a shorter set I would much rather have had a more rocking song, than a slower one. "Crazy Bitch" finally got some life into the crowd. Played "Next To You" next and closed with "Lit Up." 10 years later that song still fucking rules.
Papa Roach was next and even though I'm not a big fan of theirs, they should have been the headliner. I much prefer Buckcherry, as I put BC up there with the Dropkick Murhpys, Blackberry Smoke, and The Stones, but Papa Roach really had the crowd into it. Hate to admit that Dave was right; I needed to give them a chance live. Of course it also helps that Papa Roach's new stuff is a little more rock than nu metal. They actually aren't near as bad as I thought they would be. Although I still can't stand "Last Resort" or "Broken Home." "Scars" is a good tune that translates well live, though, and the opening song "…To Be Loved" is damn good as well. They also at least seem to get into the show and cover the stage instead of just standing still and looking at their feet. We did see a first during their set. I have seen plenty of flashers at shows before, but the girl in front of us just went ahead and took the shirt and bra off for a couple of songs, until some girl in front of them threw a fit. Then it got entertaining to watch her friends try to keep her shirt on. Hey I'm a guy, I enjoyed the show.
Hinder closed the show and was okay. Personally, I would have had them before Buckcherry. The songs are okay, just most are a little to slow for me. Did get to hear "Homecoming Queen" second which is more up-tempo and one of the two songs by them I really wanted to hear. After "Lips of An Angel" we started to head out. Good song, but again why do all these people seem to think it's a love song, or at least they act like it is at the shows. Luckily, before we got out they started "Room 21" which was the other song I wanted to hear, so we listened to it before heading out.
Until next time…
July 26th, 2007 at 4:58 am
Hey Chris! That was really nice of you to include us in your “Fourth” rantings.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Not a problem at all.
July 27th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Q had a baby!
Following the trend that DanM and THO Girl started, Q and his woman have provided the world with yet another little sci-fi girl. They've had the name picked out for months, and it's a great one. They named her after Q's mother, who died in a traffic accident a few yers ago. Its a great tribute and a truly beautiful name. I wish like hell I could remember it.
Sherry? Shannon? Sharon? Sharona? Sharonerry? I'm fairly certain there's an Elizabeth in there somewhere. Elizabeth Sherry? Sharon Elizabeth? Until Q corrects me, I'm just gonna call her 'Shannon Elizabeth,' because as long as I type that I feel justified in posting pictures like these.
We're in the middle of our usual summer slump. Traffic here is slow during the summer months, which is a trend I've noticed the past couple years. Our readership, comments, and hits drop off, and after summer's over, they rise just as quickly as the temperature drops. Other sites have mentioned this phenomenon, so I know its not just us. Somebody ought to do a study.
I'd like to get back to my original intent with this site, which was that comments section would be a sort of open forum blog, not only for myself, but for anyone in the world who wants to tell us what's on their mind. A place for anyone to post anything about anything, sci-fi or otherwise. That's why Mouser posts his music reviews, even though they have nothing at all to do with sci-fi/fantasy. I wanted to point this out since I don't think I've ever actually said it online. Its not really something you can advertise, but just wanted to throw it out there. When you post a comment, you are completely unrestricted. Go for it.
Its been a weird week.
I've been pensive. Things at work have been eerily quiet, like the still that builds up before one of those real motherfuckers of a thunderstorm hits; the kind you're just sure is going to start breaking windows any second. I've been thinking macabre thoughts. I have become somewhat entranced with darkness and demons, witches and warlocks. I'm reclusive. I've been watching old, odd movies; a lot more horror than I usually do. I'm on the edge of something here, and its something evil. And I think I've figured out what the deal is.
Maybe its the new house, and the knowledge that preparations begin very soon for the unholy godmother of all Halloween parties. They begin tomorrow, as a matter of fact. The return of the Halloween party. The return of MY annual Halloween party.
I don't know how to describe it, and I'm not the kind of guy who believes in omens or signs or fate, but I've got this very weird, intensely undeniable feeling that this Halloween is going to be memorable. Its going to be big. Not like 'buying a new car' big. More like 'a death in the family' big. 'Losing your virginity' big. I don't know how or why, but years from now, this Halloween is going to matter.
There is something very deep inside of me, something that peers out of the shadows with terrible red eyes, that looks forward to this Halloween with a gnawing eagerness I haven't felt in a very, very long time. Its getting restless and so am I. Its going to come out this year, and there's no stopping it.
July 29th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
July 30th, 2007 at 8:03 am
Teaser Trailer for The Dark Knight:
July 30th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
I just saw the trailer…it looks great!
Mark
July 30th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Just let me say drop what you are doing right now and go see the Simpsons movie!!!!!!!! Of course I saw it day one first showing and let me tell you if you thought like I did that the last 3-4 seasons of the show haven’t been all that funny well get ready to see where all the jokes went. I laughed my ass off the whole time. I’m currently too lazy to write a full review of it right now, but trust me go see the Simpsons asap!!!!!
July 30th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Damn I’m retartded, I meant to put my alias. Uh oh now everyone knows my real name eeeeeekkkkk!
July 30th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
That’s what I keep hearing. Not about you being retarded, I mean about The Simpsons. I’ve heard its one of the funniest comedies to be released so far this decade. I meant to go see it Sunday but got busy with housework and didn’t go. I’ve heard its phenomenal.
Personally, I love The Simpsons. I hope this movie is so successful it keeps them on the air for another 18 years.
July 30th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
Fixed that for ya, Mrs. X
And for the record, The Simpsons was one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time.
July 30th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Thanks Q. I’m glad you thought so too, I was plesantly surprised with the few “adult” things that they snuck into it.
August 1st, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Am I the only one who really digs these new dollar coins? Every time I pay with one I feel like a cowboy throwing gold at a saloon barkeep to pay for some whiskey and a whore. These things rule.
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:30 am
When did they switch to Washington? The last time I used one of these Sacajawea was on the front.
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:05 pm
“I am not fit for this office and never should have been here.”
– Warren G. Harding
In 2007 the US Mint started its series of presidential dollar coins. They will feature every US president in chronological order. I’ve seen Washington and Adams so far. Due to advances in minting technology, they’re the first US coins to have writing on the edges. Makes ‘em harder to counterfeit. Now even the suckiest of presidents will get their face on money. Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce, Warren G. Harding, Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, and George W. Bush, you shall have your day!
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Glad your using them the Sacajawea ones tanked. I haven’t seen any of the new ones up close and personal yet. I know you would get Sacajawea ones in change if you went to the post office. That’s all the damn stamp machine would dispense. I’m also surprised business are actually taking them from you and not trying to call the cops. You know how informed people are these days. Hey watch what you say about my man LBJ he is my favorite president. Man he was crazy
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I get the Sacagawea ones, the presidential ones, and the old 1979-1980 “eagle on the moon” ones from the vending machines here at work all the time. I’ve gotten so used to them, I just expect to get them.
Here’s a lot of text about something probably only I will be interested in: I was curious if we’ve been spelling Sacagawea’s name right, ’cause it looks wrong to me no matter how I spell it. Here’s what I found out - no one knows how to spell it.
Sacagawea was born to the Agaidika (”Salmon Eater”) tribe of Shoshone, however, when she was about ten years old, she and several other girls were kidnapped by a group of Hidatsa and grew up culturally affiliated with that tribe. The two tribes would have pronounced her name differently, which is where the trouble begins.
Sacagawea, is the most widely used spelling of her name, and is pronounced with a hard “g” sound, rather than the soft “j” sound. Lewis and Clark’s original journals mention Sacagawea by name seventeen times, each time with the “g” spelling: “a handsome river of about fifty yards in width discharged itself into the shell river…this stream we called Sah-ca-gah-we-ah or bird woman’s River, after our interpreter the Snake woman.”
The spelling Sacagawea was established in 1910 by the United States Bureau of American Ethnology, and is the spelling adopted by the United States Mint for use with the dollar coin. The spelling is used by a wide range of sources, including the United States Board on Geographic Names, the U.S. National Park Service, and a large number of historical scholars.
Sakakawea (”bird woman”) is the next most widely adopted spelling, and is the official spelling of her name according to the Three Affiliated Tribes, which include the Hidatsa. This spelling is widely used throughout North Dakota (where she is considered a state heroine), notably in the naming of Lake Sakakawea, and the Hidatsa etymology is the most widely accepted among specialists.
Sacajawea or Sacajewea is said to be derived from Shoshone words meaning “boat puller” or “boat launcher”. It is the preferred spelling used by the Lemhi Shoshone people, some of whom claim that her Hidatsa captors merely reinterpreted her existing Shoshone name in their own language, and pronounced it in their own dialect.
The spelling Sacajawea, though widely taught until the late 20th century, is generally considered incorrect in modern academia. The term for ‘boat’ in Shoshoni is saiki, but the rest of the alleged compound would be incomprehensible to a native speaker of Shoshoni. The spelling has subsided from general use, although the corresponding “soft j” pronunciation persists in American culture.
However, the Agaidika tribe of Lemhi Shoshone do not recognize the spelling or pronunciation Sacagawea, and schools and other memorials erected in the area surrounding her birthplace use the spelling Sacajawea. It is supposedly derived from the Shoshone word for her name, “Saca tzah we yaa,” with the “tz” sounding more like a “j”. The Shoshone do not accept that the “g” pronunciation is a valid Minnetaree (Hidatsa) word for her name, as Sacajawea was a Lemhi Shoshone not a Hidatsa. But since there are several different words or phrases in Shoshone which could be the actual root for her name, it is likely that a definitive pronunciation will never be found.
August 4th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Either way she made a butt load of money posing for boxes of butter.
August 4th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
HA!! That is fucking HILARIOUS!!
August 4th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
I saw the Simpson’s and it was amazing!
Spider Pig and Harry Plopper are my two favorite simpson’s characters of all times.
Mark
August 6th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Man, I gotta see this movie.
August 7th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Hey folks,
We installed a new spam filter, and I’ve been reading a lot of complaints about this specific program deleting good posts outright and reporting only spam for administrators to see. I’ve disabled the blacklist option, so hopefully I’ll see everything that comes through and get a better idea of what’s being filtered and what’s not.
We haven’t had anything reported to us at all, so for all I know, everything is kosher. But if there’s a problem posting, we need to know ASAP. If you have any trouble, I mean ANY trouble, no matter how slight, email me right away at sci.fi.guys@gmail.com.
My intention with this site has always been a place of public interaction, and if this spam filter is going to fuck with that, then it’ll have to go. Again, if you try to post and are refused or get any kind of error at all, email me at sci.fi.guys@gmail.com and tell me as much about it as you can. Send me screen shots, capture text, whatever.