HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROG BOY!

CHRIS’S GUIDE TO BUILDING A TWINKIE CAKE

Step 1: The Foundation – The proper first step in constructing a Twinkie cake is the foundation. The foundation consists of three Twinkies placed side by side on a plate. The Twinkies should be touching, but not smashed together. The inherent sugar and moisture of the Twinkies will make them stick to the plate and provide a solid, non-slip foundation upon which to build the Twinkie cake structure.

Step 2: Choose Your Weapon – To ensure a proper hold to the second layer of Twinkies, a coating of mortar must be applied to the foundation. Since I am a manly man, I use a miniature meat cleaver as a mortar trowel. You can use anything you like, so long as it has a lot of surface area. I almost used my brand new Tiki spreaders, but they're Polynesian themed, so I'm reserving them for my special tropical recipe Tiki-Winiki Luau Surprise: a banana-flavored Twinkie cake with strawberry frosting and coconut. That was the gayest thing I've ever written.

Step 3: Mortar – Chocolate frosting is the mortar of choice. Feel free to choose whatever flavor of chocolate best suits you. I prefer the darker, fudge based frostings, but Twinkie cake is most properly made when it is made to the assembler's taste. In order to assure a proper hold, the mortar must be creamy style frosting; whipped frosting contains more air and is therefore inferior to creamy style for bonding purposes. Apply the mortar sparingly, as it is only there to bond the layers together, and too much will not only mask the flavor of the Twinkies, but may lead to slippage and deformation of the finished structure. Always remember that the same is true of mortar as it is of glue: too little is almost always more effective than too much.

Step 4: The Second Layer – Apply two Twinkies to the top of the mortared foundation, placing them perpendicular to the grain of the foundation Twinkies. Press gently to ensure they are properly set in the mortar. Again, the second level Twinkies should be touching, but not smashed together. Once properly set, the superstructure of the Twinkie cake is complete. All of the work after this point is non-structural exterior finishing.

Step 5: Sealant Coat – Definitely the messiest and most labor intensive part of constructing a Twinkie cake, applying the sealant coat requires both a steady hand and the strength of will to work with the delicious smelling mortar without eating it before the project is complete. To apply the sealant, collect a dollop of mortar on your trowel approximately the size of a golf ball. Apply this to the center of one of the second tier Twinkies and spread outward to cover the structure. The sealant coat doesn't need to be particularly thick, but should completely cover the Twinkies, leaving no cake material exposed to the elements.

Step 6: Enjoy – Twinkie cake, while delicious, is far sweeter than it would appear. I am a very large man, and I can pack away my fair share of food when I'm hungry, but this was as much of the Twinkie cake as I could manage to eat before every part of my body began to violently protest against the unnatural amount of glucose being dumped into my system. Twinkie cake is best enjoyed as soon as you make it; after being placed in the refrigerator overnight, the exposed parts of the Twinkie cake and filling acquired a hardness not dissimilar to that of industrial grade diamond. Too rich to be complimented by milk, I found I enjoyed my Twinkie cake best with a tall, cool glass of water and a large-bore syringe holding a cocktail of fast-acting insulin and synthetic horse adrenaline. Were it not for the side dishes, I may very well be dead.

Last night caught the Poison/Ratt tour at Riverbend. Ended up getting scalped tix 6 rows back at face value basically, so we were happy about that. Vains Of Jenna opened up and put on a pretty good show. Young kids from Sweden that look like most of the hair bands did back in the day, so good to see them carrying the torch. Did a good cover of Petty's "Refugee," which was cool to hear. The only problem with them was the sound guy was off. The backing vocals were way too low, and for a good part of the show the guitars as well. Still a decent opening act though.

Ratt was next, and by far the best part of the show. Pearcy is back singing with them, and sang his ass off. Not to mention it's always a treat to catch DeMartini on guitar. Unlike most acts they at least give you some obscure stuff from the catalogue instead of just the greatest hits. Opened with "Sweet Cheater" into "Dangerous But Worth The Risk." After "I'm Insane," they went into "City To City" which I had never gotten to hear live, so I was pretty excited about that. From there they went into "Slip Of The Lip" and "Wanted Man" which were two of my faves as a kid. "Way Cool Jr." still sounds great, and I love the bluesy vibe on it. Next was another gem in "Closer To My Heart," which I also hadn't heard live before. "Back For More" was next, followed by "Over The Edge" from the '99 self titled disc. Was glad to see they had "Over" in the set as it's a great tune. After that they hit "Lack Of Communication," "Lay It Down," and "You're In Love" — still a great riff!! After introducing the band, they finished with "Body Talk," and closed with "Round And Round." 20+ years later you still gotta love that song.

Poison was, well, Poison. I still go each year and have nothing but a good time, but can't understand why they never change the set list. From seeing the reaction Ratt got on some off the lesser known tunes, you would think Poison might try and dive into the catalogue a little one of these years. Played a couple of songs from the covers album, but that was the only change to the set list in the last couple of years. "Suffragette City" and "What I Like About You" sounded alright, but would have rather have heard some of their stuff they haven't done in years instead. Although I will say that the cover of "Can't You See" did sound damn good. CC sounded pretty good, and of course you always do get plenty of pyro and stage show with Poison. Always enjoy hearing "Fallen Angel" and "Nothing But A Good Time," not to mention "Unskinny Bop" just because I enjoy watching Dave cringe when they play it.

Check out Ratt Pöisön, the ultimate 80s glam metal tribute band.

Until next time…

I WANT A NINJA FOLDER!!!

HI-YA!!!!