Jesus Christ, is Spider-Week over with yet? I am so god damn sick of writing about Spider-Man. So tired of it I almost broke my promise and didn't bother finishing this article tonight. I could be at home right now watching my new WKRP In Cincinnati DVDs, my babies. Or doing laundry, or cleaning up, or masturbating, or fucking anything but writing another Spider-Man article. Why do I do this to myself? Ughh…

Maybe I'd be more into this if the movie had been better. But the sad truth of the matter is this; Sam Raimi phoned this one in. I've seen Army Of Darkness about a billion times, and I own all those different versions of the DVD they keep pumping out. For those of you who haven't seen it, Army Of Darkness is a bizarre-ass film which happens to be one of the most fun movies I've ever seen. I've never shown it to anybody that wasn't a big fan after their very first viewing. Its a medieval sword-and-sorcery time travel sci-fi horror comedy, people, so I know for a fact that Sam Raimi can make even the weirdest, most out-there screenplay into something unforgettably enjoyable. But not this time. Spider-Man 3 is a scattered mess of a story that fails to come together so many times and in so many ways that its almost hearbreaking. You can watch it and just see the potential threads of wonderfulness just waiting to be woven together into something marvelous and personally gripping, like the first two Spidey movies. But it never happens.

The biggest pre-release criticism of this movie was that there were too many villains, and I think for once I agree. There's only so much time you can devote to a villain's story, and in Spider-Man 3 that time is split among three separate characters, two of whom have stories that needed to be built from the ground up. There was just too little time to develop villains that you either loved or hated enough to make them personal and interesting. I got a real sense when watching this movie that it was envisioned and possibly even initially written as a Spider-Man/Sandman story, with a little Goblin action to tie things together nicely. Venom felt like a poorly thought out, last minute addition to this movie.

Honestly, the whole Venom thing felt completely tacked on. The Venom storyline was a huge deal in the comics, and was incredibly popular. People loved it. So why would you ever take all that great story and compress it down, making it the least interesting of three separate villain story lines in a single film? It doesn't make any sense. The only thing I can figure is that somewhere, someone thought that Sandman was too obscure a character for people to have heard of before coming into the theatre. They should have known that didn't matter; the first two movies were so phenomenally successful, both critically and financially, that people would have paid good money to see Spider-Man 3 even if they hadn't been told who the villains were at all. Venom was an unnecessary plot element that distracted from the main story, which would have been a great Spider-Man/Sandman movie if they hadn't gunked it up with too much other crap. Honestly, this movie would be twice as good if Venom wasn't in it.

One of the biggest problems I had with this movie was Mary Jane. You know how in every goofy ass love story there's always the current love interest whom the audience and the peripheral characters know is all wrong for the the lead, but whom the lead is totally in love with and completely blind to his/her faults, and then at the end the lead comes to his/her senses and dumps their current, bad-for-them lover for the new and improved lover they realize they have slowly, over the course of the movie, fallen in love with and is their One And Only? You know, like in Spider-Man 2? Well, in Spider-Man 3, Mary Jane is the one that should have been dumped. Her character was written as a great leading lady in the preceding two movies, but she was just a complete bitch this time around, mostly because Peter Parker was finally having a good day.

Early on, we're treated to a montage of New York City kissing Spider-Man's ass. Every newspaper, billboard, bumper sticker, and magazine cover in town is plastered with full color ads letting us know how much NY ♥ Spidey. Street urchins huddle together in little wads of cuteness to gawk at their hero's image, and Stan Lee is walking around telling perfect strangers how much one man really can make a difference. Well, that may be true, but all the same, go fuck yourself, Stan Lee. This was by far your stupidest, most idiotic, awkward cameo EVER. Am I the only one that's sick of this guy? It used to be fun to watch for him in the background of all these Marvel films, but he's overexposed and irritating now. He's gone from lovable geek icon to media whore douchebag. Yo, Stan; just because you were great in Mallrats doesn't mean you're an actor. You're cooler when you keep your mouth shut and just walk past the camera. We like you better that way. But this is not a bitchfest about Stan Lee. Its a bitchfest about Mary Jane.

What really pisses MJ off is that Peter Parker keeps talking about being Spider-Man. Well, no shit he talks about being Spider-Man, sweetheart. Who else is he gonna talk to about it? You're the only one who knows his secret who hasn't either tried or vowed to murder him. I mean, come on; the guy has been hopelessly head-over-heels in love with you since he was a little kid, and your snotty ass didn't give him the time of day UNTIL you found out he was Spider-Man. As if that's not enough, he's so devoted to you that he opted to be completely heartbroken and alone for the rest of his life in order to keep you safe while he, a superhuman whiz-kid and incredibly moral individual, lives a life of poverty and obscurity so that he can continue to keep innocent people safe by constantly getting the shit beaten out of him by criminals. All of which, by the way, everyone hates him for. Then, after YOU talked him into having a relationship, and after years of being shit on by the media and police, he finally catches a break. The kid becomes accepted and appreciated. The city loves him and he's got the girl of his dreams… ALL BECAUSE HE'S SPIDER-MAN. No fucking shit he talks to you about it. I'd talk about it too, you selfish whiny little bitch.

Mary Jane's big blow up at Peter comes when he fails to show the proper sensitivity to her after she was fired from her Broadway gig. I can see how a girl could get pretty upset by that kind of cold, distant treatment, and how that kind of thing could really hurt a relationship. Then again, it may be that Parker deserves some slack in this situation because SHE NEVER FUCKING TOLD HIM. I guess it's possible she thought she'd been fucking a different superhero for the last couple of years, because that's the only way I can figure that she doesn't know by now that one of his powers is not telepathy. The Peter Parker as presented in the first two films is a nice guy, and probably would have lassoed the moon to console her, but she kept her shitcanning and subsequent employment as a waitress a secret and used it as an excuse to come on to his best friend. Good god, are we really supposed to feel sorry for her? Mary Jane is unbearable in this movie. Its like they went out of their way to make her as unlikeable as possible. This movie would have greatly improved itself in my sight if Venom had just walked up to her in the first five minutes and bitten her face off.

You know what else is unlikeable? Superheroes that fucking dance all the time. I didn't pay to see The Dazzler, I paid to see Spider-Man 3. As a matter of fact, there wasn't a Dazzler movie available at the theatre. You know why? Because its fucking unlikeable when fucking superheroes fucking dance all the fucking time. When the black symbiote goo that attaches itself to the Spidey suit starts making Peter act like a bastard, it manifests first in a Crispin Glover hairdo, then in dancing. Seriously. Dancing. I would have been fine with it if it just happened once, because the first time he dances was the second and last time in the movie I smiled. It was goofy, but so is Peter Parker, so I was okay with it. It lasted WAY too long, but I could deal. But then it happened again, and the second time it wasn't amusing in the slightest. Not only that, but it happens as we discover that Peter Parker is a master jazz pianist, which was so amazingly out of character that several people around me whispered out a puzzled "What?" as we all watched it go down. Seriously, was this shit written by the Watchowski Brothers (or however the hell you spell that)? I found myself wondering why, at two and a half hours long, some of this garbage couldn't have been cut. When I sit in the theatre and critique a movie's editing as I'm watching it, you know it has utterly failed to grab me. The worse thing is that its the second dance scene that has anything to do with the story, so the one that was entertaining is the one that should have been cut. It makes you wanna cry. I think Sam Raimi is trying to kill my soul.

The movie's not all bad. If there was one bit of joy to be had in this entire film, it was undoubtedly Bruce Campbell. His cameo this time around was as a maître d’ in the fancy French restaurant where Peter is going to propose to Mary Jane, and I swear to you this scene is not only the reason I will buy the DVD, but is why I'm already looking forward to it. The different between the parts of the film without Bruce Campbell and the parts of the film with Bruce Campbell is the difference between listening to your mother describe a rock concert and actually being at one in the front row while a hot blonde Playboy bunny goes down on you. Campbell's scenes are the only time the film matches the fun and excitement of the first two. You could hear, and quite literally see, the audience perk up as soon as they heard Bruce's voice off screen. His face wasn't even visible, and yet the movie got fun all of a sudden. I'm not being poetical when I tell you that you could honest to god feel a wave of eager enthusiasm wash over the crowd. It was a great moment, and it was cool that I wasn't the only one that felt it. The whole audience was excited. We were no longer listening to a lecture about Spider-Man, we were living his life right along with him again. I'm not exaggerating one bit when I say that Bruce Campbell made every second of that possible. Pay attention, Stan Lee; THIS is how cameos are done. Best part of the movie, hands down. The restaurant scene was one of only two times in this movie that I caught myself smiling, and it was woefully short lived.

You know who else I really enjoyed? You think I'm going to say Bryce Dallas Howard. You think I'm attracted to her. You think I'm going to complain that not enough of this movie focused on her character. You think those things because there's a picture of her up there,…

…and because I've already said elsewhere that she looks positively stunning in her Gwen Stacy wig,…

…and because in this movie she was sexy, vibrant, likable, gorgeous, charming, irresistible and real, all of which Kirsten Dunst/Mary Jane utterly failed to be,…

…and because I really, really want to have hardcore pornstar sex with her until we break the headboard off her bed and do significant structural damage to her glamorous movie star bedroom. Well, I admit it; all those things are very true, and if Bryce is reading, I'd like to send out congrats on your newborn, and to say that if things don't work out with your current guy I'd be more than happy to step in and be yo baby daddy just as soon as your vah-jay-jay heals up. But that's not who I was going to say. I was going to say Thomas Haden Church.

Thomas Haden Church strikes me as the kind of guy who would be very little fun to hang out with, and who would probably be a royal pain in the ass to work with. Let's call a spade a spade, people; I think he's an asshole. I have no idea why I think that; he's never done anything to me. I've never seen a bad interview or heard any news that put him in a shitty light. He could be a sweet as a puppy on Christmas morning for all I know. He just gives me the impression of being too intense to be nice. But he's been good in everything I've seen him in. Tombstone is one of the best westerns ever made, and he was okay in it. He was great in Wings. But he's PERFECT as Sandman. I walked out of the theatre regretting that there wasn't a lot more Sandman in this movie. I also walked out wondering why in Spider-Man 1 and 2 they spent a great deal of time using pseudo-science to explain how the villains became so powerful, but in Spider-Man 3 they didn't explain jack shit about Venom or Sandman.

Here's how Sandman got born: while running from the cops, escaped convict Flint Marko falls into a concrete lined pit of sand. A bunch of science guys surrounded by science computers and science equipment with flashing science lights decide not to abort whatever science thing they were doing to the sand because they mistake his mass for the mass of a bird. You might think it would be weird for science guys, who are presumably not mentally retarded, to mistake the mass of a musclebound escaped convict for that of a bird, but you'd be wrong. You're wrong because you don't know that in New York City, where property values are so low that its common to have giant fields fenced off for particle physics experi- mentation, its actually not unusual for giant South American condors and/or the occasional pterodactyl to set down on said sand pits to roost. I've been to NYC and can vouch for these factual verified truths. Assuming the man-sized monster bird will take off once they start their experiment, the science guys start giant science thingies spinning around the sand, which sciences the fuck out of Thomas Haden Church and scientifically fuses sand with his body in a very sciencey manner. What are the science guys doing to the sand? Why are they doing it? I guess its not my business, 'cause Sam Raimi decided I didn't need to know. Actually its best they didn't tell us. Its science, and science is hard. TOO hard.

Actually, one of the most enjoyable parts of this movie was watching Sandman reform himself after being disintegrated. It shows how he had to learn to use his body all over again, and if the scene had been given just a little more time and attention, it would have been a very touching scene about his life as a tragic character and a villain you can sympathize with. But no, we had to move on to more shit about Mary Jane. What a waste. Oh, and Tom, if you're not really an asshole, then I apologize for the assumption. And if you are an asshole, I don't care; if they offer you a role in Spider-Man 4, you better take it. I want to see more of you as Sandman.

Because I just know that somewhere the powers that be are waiting with baited breath for me to guide them through this rough patch in Spider-Man's movie legacy, here are my notes on how Sony/Marvel/Sam Raimi can improve this movie for the inevitable Special Limited Availability Criterion Collector's Edition Director's Extended Version 43 DVD boxed set with nine alternate endings.

First, we'll get rid of Venom. Note that I did not say get rid of the symbiote, the black suit, or Eddie Brock. Get rid of Venom. Topher Grace was really good as Brock, and his performance would have been a great setup for Spider-Man 4, which is the movie Venom should have been in instead of this one. As soon as Peter rids himself of the symbiote and it falls onto Brock, have him turn into Venom and then slink away into the night in horror and pain. The suit attaching itself to Brock was plenty horrific, especially how the tendrils made it look like the thing was crawling into his mouth. That's all we needed to see for now. Wait until the next movie to show us how the suit has turned him into a monster.

Second, have Sandman kill Stan Lee. Only instead of special effects, let the cameras roll while Thomas Haden Church beats him to death for real. I'm confident in his ability to do so. If he's feeling peppy, he should probably work Kirsten Dunst over too while he's at it. In the background during the beatings, there should be a childrens' party with much frivolity and party cake and punch. If at any point Tobey starts dancing, Church gets to punch him in the nuts for ten minutes straight while the kids cheer and sing songs. This scene will be awesome, and the movie will be greatly improved.

Third, more Aunt May. She was so good in the first two movies, and she had a greatly reduced part in this installment. What's up with that? More Aunt May. Fourth, Bryce Dallas Howard should have more nude scenes. They should all be nude scenes for her, as a matter of fact. I'll leave it up to you to decide how to best handle this. I'm an idea man; I can't do everything for you, you lazy Hollywood bastards. Fifthly and finally, cut every scene with the "New Goblin." What a stupid idea for Osborn's character. Stan Lee will be rolling in his grave just as soon as Church gets done killing him. No Harry Osborn in this film. Alright, you heard me; let's go, asses and elbows! You have your orders, people. Get off your butts and fix this damn movie!