I did it.  I went and watched this God-awful movie. You can take it at face value that the movie stinks out loud, or you can read the review for proof.  I don't see how anyone could have found this film redeeming and not been embarrassed by any association with it.

And now, the puns:  The Fantastic Four is more like the Fantastic Feces.  I got the DVD from the library, and thank God I did because if I'd paid money for this experience I'd need to go to a church and repent after the requisite four showers.  I'm not one for spoilers, unless you count "this movie sucks" as a spoiler.  The movie is (by their description) faithful to the original comics, so I guess they get points for that.  I will also concede that The Thing and Dr. Doom are fun to watch, up until Dr. Doom puts on his outfit and joins ranks with Spiderman's Goblin in the Stupid Halloween Outfit club - until that point he's a fun character and enjoyable to watch.  The Thing is equally impressive, and it's a shame that they had to share screentime with the other characters who are one dimensional and lack any charisma or chemistry.  Jessica Alba is nice to look at, but unfortunately she keeps talking throughout the movie, which is not dissimilar to a chick in a porno staring at the camera while on the job.  Ahem.  The Human Torch is, admittedly, a funny character, but isn't at all believable and entirely too over-the-top to be acceptable.  Mr. Richards is about as exciting as a desklamp.  Plot?  Yeah, it's pretty faithful to what little of know of the Fantastic Four, so I guess there's that, but the overall plot is so very riddled with holes that it just can't hold water. (That's a pun, folks, try and keep up, okay?)

Should I tell her I always bring a rubber….

Now, let's talk the smaller plot points.  Beware, thar be minor spoilers here:

The bridge scene was good, pretty, action packed, and pointless.  How can all these people not notice a large, orange rockman climbing to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge?  There's a crowd there already, cause they all watch what unfolds with the suicide jumper, so were they there to watch the rockman?  Did the suicide jumper not notice the crowd?  When they others arrive, why did they need Jessica Alba to get nekkid, besides the obvious reason: Jessica Alba needs to be nekkid.  They force her to strip & go invisible to help them through the crowd, which she finally does to accomplish… what?  How did she help them get through the crowd?  What was the point?  Oh yeah, get Jessica Alba nekkid.

Here's a gem I loved from the big final battle.  Invisible Tits and the Human Torch are on top of a balcony, see the missle coming and the following dialogue occurs:

Tits:  Don't even think about it.
Flaming Fratboy:  I never do.
Tits:  What are you doing?!

Why are you asking him what he's doing, you already told him not to think about it, so obviously you KNOW what he's doing!

The Thing also has the ability to move from the top of one skyscraper that's at least a dozen block away to the top of another skyscraper in the span of three minutes.  I guess he can jump like the Hulk because his entrance is through the side of the building.  How a giant boulder shaped man can generate enough force and weight to crash through a marble wall but sitll stop himself on the floor is a fantastic mystery to me.  And let's not forget how he weighs enough to break through the floor of a swimming pool, but light enough to be washed away by the waters.

The DVD was packed with special features, and by packed, I mean three featurettes, two of which were TV shows about the movie (which were essentially advertising) and the third was a Video Diary of the cast and crew (produced by Jessica Alba) detailing the making of the movie…. no… it was a Video Diary of the cast going to press junkets and interviews.  This fucking thing was an hour long (or at least felt an hour long) and contributed NOTHING to my enjoyment of the disc. Reviewing this disc was about three hours of my life that I so desperately wish I'd spent watching Scooby Doo 2, a far better movie by comparison.

The Thing and pre-helmet Dr. Doom do not make up for the lack of chemisty, the lousy dialogue and the perforated plot.  I don't know if it's worse than Daredevil; I'd have to think about that, and thinking about either of those movies can be dangerous to my health.