Just in time for Santa and Pokémon's 10th anniversary, we open up a PokéBall full of holiday fun and sweet anime action. Click the pic to join our Yuletide sci-fi celebration. Its just one more way I'm helping to put the "Chris" back in "Christmas."

Okay, I'm gonna come out of the closet and admit to the world that I'm a PokéFan. Back when I used to look like this —>, a very precious, adorable toddler Sci-Fi Girl and myself would settle down on the couch every weekday afternoon and watch Pokémon. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, it was a significant big brother/little sister bonding thing for me, and for that reason Pokémon will always be close to my heart. Every time I hear "Pika pika!" I see my little five year old sister laugh and tell me how funny "Pee-chu" is. You might want to back away from your monitors before you get some mush splashed on you.

This special didn't come along until 2000. I had long since moved out of the house, and Sci-Fi Girl was quickly growing up without me. Maybe she watched this episode and maybe not, but I never knew there was a Pokémon Christmas special, let alone a sequel. I came across this tape on one of my recent vinyl/8-track hunts at a local Goodwill for the incredibly reasonable price of just 50¢. Normally I shy away from accumulating more VHS, but its Christmas, damn it, and it's Pokémon. And its only 50¢.

Besides, the slipcover is a Christmas decoration all on its own. This thing looks so merry and cheerful that I may forego putting up a tree next year and wrap some bubble lights and tinsel around this tape instead. Its just so happy. And its funny that they named it the very PC Pikachu's Winter Vacation, because there has never been a more pointedly Christmassy Christmas special.

In case you spent the 1990s hidden under a blanket, locked in a closet buried 500 feet beneath the surface of the dark side of the moon, Pokémon is short for "pocket monsters," and is the name of an unbelievably popular video game, cartoon, toy, trading card, comic book, clothing, breakfast cereal, pharmecutical, weapons wholesaler, stock market überfranchise which has managed to earn a lasting popularity not dissimilar to the devotion and loyalty enjoyed by most major religions. The cartoon centers around pre-teen Ash Ketchum and his quest to find, train, and battle Pokémon in order to become some sort of PokéMaster. I hope the kid's getting paid well, 'cause his adventures have made Nintendo enough money to buy the entire solar system, should it ever go up for sale.

I watched Pokémon for years before it occurred to me how fucked up this show really is. Its a bunch of voluntarily homeless kids living in the woods, hoping to catch incredibly dangerous wild monsters with lethal superpowers in order to compress them down into little cages the size of baseballs. Upon meeting another child they stage an impromptu cockfight, during which the goal is to force one's captured monsters to do as much physical and psychological damage as possible to the other kid's captured monsters, just for bragging rights. If you replaced the Pokémon with real animals, there's no network in the world besides FOX that would air this show. At its core, its incredibly morally repugnant. And like every other awful, cruel, hateful thing in the world, its great fun to watch.

Since its been so long since I've seen Pokémon, I've decided to play a little game with my own increasingly fallible memory. Believe it or not, I actually do a little research before posting most of my articles. While most of this research is done solely with the idea of making me look more knowledgeable and less idiotic than I really am, I also do it because I want to provide you, the home viewer, with a richer, more meaningful Sci-Fi Guys experience. Well, this time I'm skipping all that. I'm calling these guys whatever I sorta half-ass remember them to be. I'm going to talk completely out of my ass, and at the end of the article I'll do the research and grade myself. If you hate Pokémon but love to see me look bad, scroll down to go right to the proof that my brain is the shittiest information storage/retrieval system EVER.

There are two cartoons on this tape, the first of which is "Winter Games."  It starts off with Ash and his roomies heading into the big city for some Christmas shopping, leaving a house full of little uncaged monsters with super powers and temperments of four year old children to run free of their own accord. Brilliant. Because the Pokémon don't mind their own indentured servitude, they love their evil overlords and wave goodbye to them. For about 90 minutes. This scene lasts forever, but it does let us get a good look at our cast. 

The little yellow guy front and center is Pikachu, the big celebrity Pokémon. He can generate an impressive and thoroughly lethal amount of electricity, like Thor, but way more huggable. He's the plucky hero of many PokéVentures, and it was his lightning bolts and electro-flashing eyes which caused a light show that gave nearly 700 Japanese viewers seizures on December 16, 1997. This is impressive, not only because it means that Pikachu can fuck you up if you even look at him the wrong way, literally, but also because it makes him the only Pokémon who has actually hurt someone in real life. Go Pikachu! You da man!

Pikachu's buddies in this shot are, from left to right, Volpix, some green thing, Psi-Duck, and Togapi. Volpix is so named presumably because the names "Firefox" and "Foxfire" would have cost more money in lawsuits than Nintendo was willing to spend on a cartoon monster. Volpix can spit a stream of fire like a flamethrower. In case you didn't know, most Pokémon can speak, but they can only speak their own names. They communicate by saying their names either in part or completely, leaving the actual message to be conveyed entirely via tone and body language. Early on in this cartoon one of the PokéKids refers to Volpix by name off-screen, but there was nothing to indicate which Pokémon he was talking to. Figuring out which one was Volpix was just a process of waiting and hoping one of them would say the word, which she eventually does. Psi-Duck is a retarded beaver/duck hybrid, and does nothing of value in these stories. He should have been played by Alicia Silverstone.

In their rush to take part in The Great Waving Of 2000, the other Pokémon accidentally knock that weird little green one off the table. While this is pretty shitty, it is also clear that it was unintentional. They didn't even realize they'd done it. Yet, the anger seethes…

We need a name for this little green Pokémon. It keeps saying what sounds like "chicka." That means either this Pokémon likes to go around mimicking porn music, for which it would instantly overtake Squirtle to become my very favorite Pokémon in the universe, or it has the "chicka" sounds in its name somewhere. I keep wanting to say this is Chickapee. I'm almost certain the word "Chickapee" is something my mind has not just invented; I'm sure there is a Pokémon by that name. I don't know for sure who or what this thing is, so until I find out, I'm assigning it the gender of female based solely on the fact that she's wearing what appears to be a string of pearls made out of peas. And for being such an asshole to the other Pokémon (keep reading), I'm not naming her Chickapee, because that's far too cute and nice sounding for this little cunt. I'm calling her Bitchleaf.

Its a well known PokéFact that Pokémon don't give a fuck about streaking your windows, so with a frosty pane near at hand a little winter breath glass drawing fun was bound to happen. Enter Squirtle. Squirtle is my very fav-o-rite Pokemon ever. There's nothing at all about this guy that I don't love. He's got the best name of all the Pokémon, and he says it all the time. He's a cute cartoon turtle with a cute, bushy, cartoon squirrel tail. That alone would justify the name Squirtle, but he also squirts water as his primary means of attack. And I don't mean he just spits a little water; when he turns up the flow, its like he's firehosing hippies at an anti-war love-in. He REALLY squirts water.

Squirtle is inquisitive, and in these two holiday stories, he's the one making all the scientific discoveries. If the Pokémon were left to evolve on their own, I'm betting he'd be the one that would invent nuclear weapons and taxes first. Speaking of evolution, through some process I still do not fully understand, Pokémon can "evolve" into more powerful forms. Squirtle "evolves" into Wartortle, which is a Pokémon I know nothing about but am forced to love based solely on his name. Wartortle "evolves" into Blastoise, a tortoise with fucking Howitzer barrels coming out of his shell. How cool is that?! I have never had the pleasure of seeing these things in action, but I can only assume they fire an exponentially more powerful version of Squirtle's water blast. Squirtle is so cool. If I had a Squirtle doll, I'd hump it every night like a puppy that doesn't know any better. I heart Squirtle.

While Bitchleaf stews on the floor, the other Pokémon are busy being astounded by Squirtle's latest breakthrough discovery. Realizing that Bitchleaf is missing all the fun, Pikachu tries to explain the situation. It was an accident, see? But Bitchleaf is having none of it, and she stalks off toward…

THE SLIPPER!

In a huff, Bitchleaf kicks one of the PokéKids' slippers which bounces off the wall and arcs perfectly through the air, smack into Togapi, the little baby of the group. Like all infants, its sex is a complete mystery to me. I can tell you that its a little baby starfish hatching out of an Easter egg, and it makes adorable little burbling sounds. Togapi is the very definition of cute; I defy anyone out there to watch this show and not fall in love with this thing. It can't be done. The other Pokémon gather around to try and calm Togapi down.

Not cruel by nature, the Pokémon are soon distracted from laughing at Bitchleaf when Squirtle discovers that icicles have unique acoustic properties which make them ideal for an improv Pokémon jam session. This big grey guy on the left is GeoDude, who is a flying rock Pokémon. The big blue beetle in the center is new to me, and since I can't think of anything clever to call him, I'll fall back on scatalogical humor. His name is Dunga-Din. Neither of them matter to the story, so we'll ignore them from now on.

This is all too much for Bitchleaf. The anger seethes… and the rage boils. First they knock her off the table and blow it off by calling it an "accident."

But when she accidentally hits Togapi with a slipper, all of a sudden she's the bad guy. Where the fuck was all the understanding when she needed some? Where was their Christmas spirit then, huh? Huh?!
 
And now, after being hurt yet again, they're just going to ignore her and play music like nothing happened, while her Christmas is utterly ruined? Is that the plan?! Well, fuck that! This year Bitchleaf is giving the gift of…

MURDER!

You see those green things in these poorly timed screen captures? Those are Bitchleaf's leaf blades. You see that big leaf on the top of her head? Its as sharp as razor wire, and she can stiffen it and fling it with deadly accuracy. It immediately regenerates, so she has an endless supply of scalpel sharp death blades at her disposal. Bitchleaf decides that the world would be better off with a few less Pokémon, and like a good killer, she's devised a plan where her blades cannot be used as evidence against her. She's going slice through the icicles and drop pointed ice spikes on these fuckers.

First she tries to kill my boy Squirtle. Oh no you di-int.

Next she tries to kill Dunga-Din. Whatever.

Then she takes down Bulbasaur and this weird little dude with a beaver tail and a spiral on his tummy. I call him Spyropussy, 'cause I like to imagine that maybe he's a failed James Bond villain. Anyway, it doesn't matter what I call him. The point is, adult human beings have been killed by lesser amounts of ice hitting them on the head. There's no way in hell a little Pokémon is going to survive this. Look at the ice stalagtite that almost hit Squirtle; its taller than he is. That would have gone right through him! Jesus, this bitch must be stopped. The rest of the Pokémon go after her and she flees to the last place I would ever have expected: the Death Star equatorial trench.

Yeah, they were in the woods a few seconds before this. But now they're… here. Look, I'm gonna level with you; the cartoon gets a little weird at this point, and I really can't make much sense of it. It all gets very… Japanese. I'm going to fast forward the review, so bear with me.

At the end of the trench the Pokémon discover an unshielded two meter thermal exhaust port ice skating rink, where they slide around, bump into each other, have fun, and somehow forget all about the fact that just a few minutes earlier, one of their own tried to off a bunch of the gang. They slide, they fall, they spin, they laugh. Meowth shows up. Then they all go home. But not before this happens:

Nothing brings people together for the holidays like attempted murder. 

Yeah, there's not much of an ending. Its like the writers wanted to abandon the story and decided to pull some artsy-fartsy shit by writing the Pokémon abandoning thier need to avenge themselves upon the head of Bitchleaf. Since there's no ending to tell you about, I'm gonna write about Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur is basically a turtle/lizard thing with an onion where his spine should be. This doesn't sound too impressive on paper, but when agitated Bulbasaur extends two long vine tentacles, and uses them to whip the shit out of whatever it is that he ain't likin' at the moment. Usually he just walks around saying "Bulbasaur" over and over and seems totally harmless, so its always surprising when the vines come out and unleash a hyperspeed bullwhip smack down, Indiana Jones style. Seriously, you get lulled into thinking this guy's a nobody, but the lighting fast berserker barrage of impressive violence is almost always a "holy shit!" moment for me. Its just so unexpected. Okay, that's all.

"Stantler's Little Helpers" is the second cartoon on the tape, and its more your typical Christmas special in that it has Santa Claus and Christmas joy and a lot less aggravated homicide. "Stantler's Little Helpers" opens with a few shots which establish that Christmas Eve in whatever part of Japan the Pokémon live in is probably a lot more beautiful than wherever you're gonna be.

I love paintings of winter nights; they always remind me of watching The Joy Of Painting with my grandparents. Even when I was a pudgy, acne spotted, angst ridden, sleep deprived, hyperactive teenaged bag of hormones, I liked ths show. And on those wondrous occasions when the credits vanished and we saw that big, smiling ball of hair standing there in front of a pre- blackened canvas, we knew we were in for a night painting, which were the best. And if the goodly Mr. Ross kicked off the show by telling you to add just a touch of titanium white to your phthalo blue, you can damn well bet the finished product would have me worshipping at the altar of the Big Giant Afro for weeks afterward. That dude hooked me on deep blue nighttime visuals. 

We zoom into the cabin in the woods where the PokéChildren are squatting for the holidays. I'm pretty sure there was an episode where we learned that Ash's mother approved his PokéQuest, and understood that this meant her child would wander the earth for a long time looking to enslave deadly animals for gladiatorial combat while other children tried to kill him. She seemed okay with it. Moms in Japan are either WAY more laid back than you'd think, or this bitch never forgave Ash for not being born a girl.

Somehow Ash and his buddies have landed this sweet cabin in the woods, and have just settled down for a long winter's nap. With the Pokémon nestled, all snug in their beds, its once again time for Bitchleaf to start some shit. Why the fuck do these kids keep this thing around?

Bitchleaf uses her vine tentacles to remove Pikachu from his bed, place him on the cold hard floor, and then take his place. Seriously, if I was Pikachu, I'd have sent 1.21 gigawatts through this little fucker a long time ago. Long story short, all the other Pokémon somehow escape their Pokéballs also, and decide that Christmas Eve is the perfect time to get down with some mischief.

The newly freed Pokémon decide to peek through the window at the beautiful Christmas tree outside, and BAM!, Bitchleaf gets all loopy headed and develops a conscience. Its a Christmas miracle!… I think. With no dialogue it gets difficult sometimes to interpret what these little guys are thinking, but from this point on Bitchleaf is a team player and doesn't try to kill anybody, so I'm guessing that Christmas tree gave her a jolt of much needed Christmas spirit. Just in time, too, 'cause they're gonna have to work as a team in order to — you guessed it — SAVE CHRISTMAS.

The window pops open, spilling the Pokémon into the snow. Instead of making a bunch of noise and waking the kids, they decide to silently sneak away from the gaping window and go explore the woods while their cruel child masters freeze to death in their sleep. Good for you, Pokémon. It isn't long before they come to a clearing in the woods, and spot his High Holy Kringleness, the man, the myth, the pagan idol you "good" Christian parents let your children worship like the hellbound heathen sinners they are: Santa Claus!

Santa's got problems. Seems he's traded in his team of reindeer for the one thing you keep watching this show to see… A NEW POKÉMON!! Episodes that unveil new Pokémon were always a big deal, and I'd be lying my way right onto the naughty list if I said that I didn't get into it right along with Sci-Fi Girl. We loved episodes with new Pokémon; it was like getting a present for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I don't know if this is the first time Stantler appeared in the show, but its the first time I've seen or heard of him, and I'll be damned if I didn't react just like I did ten years ago. In my mind, the voice that musters the attention of all the other voices spoke up and called the meeting to order. "Ooohh!," it said "New Pokémon!" Turns out there are very good reasons I don't get laid much these days.

Stantler, referred to as by Santa as an "it," has taken ill, and can't pull the sleigh anymore. Santa has some berries that will save Stantler, but hasn't given them to the ailing reindeer Pokémon because Santa is a cruel bastard who likes to watch animals suffer. He shows the gathered Pokémon the berries and gives the same old Santa speech that he gives whenever his plans get derailed in every god damn Christmas special ever made. "Well, if I only had (insert plot device here) then I'd be on my way, but I don't, so I guess there will be no Christmas this year." As I see it, there are a number of reasons why Santa does this all the time, none of them good:

1. Santa is the biggest, whiniest, defeatist quitter on the face of the planet, or
2. He REALLY loves guilt tripping on those whom are the most ill-equipped to deal with the task of saving Christmas, or
3. He's a lazy shit with a martyr complex, or
4. All of the above.

This year Santa has seen to it that the job of making sure the world has a holly jolly Christmas has fallen squarely on the shoulders of the little Pokémon. Off the fat man sends them, into the dark, freezing woods without so much as a flashlight, to find berries for his Stantler. Is it just me, or do these Pokémon get shit on all the time? I can't believe more of them don't turn on their trainers and maul them mercilessly. Fortunately, Pikachu is the sort of little demon-squirrel-cat-monster-thing that keeps his wits about him even during the worst of crises, and soon he formulates a plan.

Bitchleaf whips one of her botanical head shuriken at the Christmas tree star, and down it falls, square onto Pikachu's head, who pumps some spare volts into to create a light. He doesn't even check the bulb wattage, that's how good he is. Unfortunately it was all for naught. There's not a berry to be found. Maybe they should check up there. You know, up on

MAGIC BERRY MOUNTAIN! I don't know much about her, but apparently Volpix has Kryptonian eyes in addition to dragon breath. From where the Pokémon are, she spies a berry patch about a zillion miles away on top of Olympus Mons in the upper ionosphere. How the fuck does she see this? I dunno. Doesn't matter, though, becuse somehow they've gotta get those berries. Santa's worthless ass isn't gonna save itself. The more I think about what he puts people through, the more I hate that bastard.

Volpix may have great eyes, firebreath, and totally fabo bangs, but she's a quadruped, which means that rock climbing a nearly veritcal surface just isn't in the cards for her. Apparently everybody forgot that GeoDude can FLY, because they all let Pikachu risk his life needlessly. Long story short, Pikachu gets the berries and the Pokémon double time it back to Stantler. 

If you've ever seen a television show before, it'll come as no surprise that Stantler eats the berries and gets better. What will come as a surprise is the noise it makes after it recovers. I couldn't capture the audio, but I can tell you how to recreate it for yourselves. The next time you see your dad, go up to him without warning and slap a rat trap on his testes. Simultaneously dip a dried corn cob in kerosene and shove it up a goose's ass. The combination of father and goose screams will be similar to, but slightly less unnerving than, what Stantler sounds like. Its horrifying. I can't believe they thought this sound belonged in a Christmas special, or anywhere else children might potentially hear it. Hell, I wish I hadn't heard it. Its awful. And he does it two more times.

Despite his horrible demonic bellowing, the Pokémon are very happy that Stantler is all better, and they prove it by rejoicing. A lot. They celebrate like they've just heard that the war is over. These guys are REALLY happy. The next we see of the Pokémon, they're back in the cabin and its Christmas morning. Santa hooked them all up with some sweet presentage, which I think is really the least he could have done. And that's pretty much where it ends.

So how do I rate it? Well, I've felt absolutely zero Christmas spirit this year. I have no idea what the problem is, but nothing is getting me in the mood for jolliness. Even the Charlie Brown Christmas special did nothing for me this year. But against all odds, Pikachu's Winter Vacation 2 did the trick. With the possible exception of repeated listenings of "Little Saint Nick" by the The Beach Boys, this Pokémon special has made me feel more Christmas cheer than anything this year. Despite the fact that this isn't something I grew up with, I have to say that this has totally earned its way up to the status of a new personal Christmas tradition. I've seen there's a DVD with this special as well as part 1 out there. There's also a Pokémon Christmas CD. I'll review them both for you next year, 'cause there's no chance in hell I'm not going to own them. I give Pikachu's Winter Vacation 2 a holly jolly 8 out of 10. Have a very merry Christmas, everybody, and don't forget to rock out with your Spock out.

 

LOOK!! TOTALLY FREE SCI-FI GUYS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!

Hey! There are a few sci-fi holiday goodies that didn't really fit into the Pokémon article, so I thought I'd post them here as a special Christmas bonus for our readers. Enjoy!

The first stocking stuffer is a Sci-Fi-Guys.com exclusive! The first DVD volume of Space Ghost Coast To Coast featured a video for "Jingle Bells" by Zorak & the Original Way Outs. Well, I've got the audio for you here; just click the pic to hear the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse belt out this beloved Christmas classic. I may have to take this down if the powers that be get bitchy that I've posted it, so download it while you can.

Our second stocking stuffer is from the 1980 Star Wars Christmas Album, and is proof positive that George Lucas has always been a dirty whore. Its "Sleigh Ride" by everyone's favorite droids, C3P0 and R2D2. You may laugh when you first start listening to it, but as Frog Boy and Moose can testify, this song is bizarrely infectious. I'm telling you right now, you'll like it more than you want to, and you'll find yourself listening to it more than you'd rather admit. Its good. The mp3 is being hosted by X-Entertainment, so drop in and tell Matt the Sci-Fi Guys sent you.

Stocking stuffer numero tres is yet another mp3, this time from Ugress, the band that brought us the most excellent musical tribute to the baddest robots of all, "Decepticons." "Spider Eyes" is their cover of the 60's Spider-Man theme. Its an excellent swing jazz instumental, and the best cover of that song I've ever heard since Frog Boy and I used to belt it out, two-man jam syle, he on percussion and I on guitar and screaming-to-be-heard-over-my-amp vocals. Ugress's version is somewhat more refined.
Oh, what the hell… I know it doesn't really go with the sci-fi Christmas theme we've got going here, but this is just too good not to give away. Click on the pic to the left for "Decepticons" by Ugress, feat. Therese Vadem. I love you, too.

By the way, I stole the Spidey X-mas banner from n8itude. Go visit his site and tell him I said thanks.

Here's some more pics of Spider-Man doing his Yuletide thang. Click the thumbnails for larger versions:

"Gortron's Christmas Wish" by Matt Dixon

Not really sci-fi in the least, but Christmas is a time to show love to your family, so this is to Pa Sci-Fi, Frog Boy, and Moose, from me. Click the thumbnail for a display quality 2006-2007 Cincinnati Bengals team photo. Merry Christmas and Who Dey! 

A lot of you may not know this, but besides the work I do on The Sci-Fi Guys, I'm also a writer for TopFive.com's Sci-Fi and Comics top five lists. TopFive.com is running a fantastic charity drive to help out with the annual Marine Toys For Tots Foundation charity efforts. They're only asking for $1 per person, and it goes to a very worthwhile charity sponsored by our Marine and Coast Guard reserves. PayPal and credit cards are accepted, but remember that PayPal charges a 30¢ processing fee for each donation, so please consider donating at the $2 level. Whatever you can do is greatly appreciated, and will go a long way toward making a child's Christmas that much brighter this year.

There's something in it for you, too. The Sci-Fi-Guys.com reader who donates the most money by 31 January 2007 will win a Sci-Fi Guys holiday prize package. All you've gotta do is hang on to your email receipt, and let me know how much you've given to TopFive to help out this season. I'll confirm the rest on my end, and when all is said and done, some lucky sci-fi guy or gal out there will get an extra Christmas present from yours truly and all of us here at the Sci-Fi Guys. Oh, and there's one final rule: in order to win you've gotta give at least as much as I did, which was $10. Now click the poster below and go make some kid's Christmas. And you be sure to have a good one yourselves.