Wherein Chris resumes his tale of his quest to absorb the divine wonder and breathtaking splendiferousness of The Transformers: The Movie 20th Anniversary Special Edition DVD, which has risen from our ranks to light our darkest hour.

So where was I?  Oh, yeah… in the Target toy department with the fatnasty redneck bitches.  That's not a typo - them bitches wuz fatnasty.

I dodged Lulu and Lerlene Hogg and made my way to the Transformers aisle with all speed.  For this decision to make sense, you need to understand that I don't have friends who like being around me on a regular basis.  I am told I am loved, but its something I must take purely on faith, because most of the time they won't even answer the phone when I call.  For example, I made 17 phone calls to friends and family on Wednesday, of which only two were answered. Further, both of those calls were answered by the same person, Mark, who told me he couldn't talk, bye, click, dial tone.  Clearly I have done something wrong, but I can't get any info on what it was, because I'm being shunned like an Amish girl who showed too much ankle at the widow Jorgensson's barn raising last spring. Poor, poor, pitiful me.

The point is I wanted someone to watch this movie with me, and it wasn't going to happen.  Watching The Transformers: The Movie is more fun if you are surrounded by other people who are into it just as much as you are. At least that's my theory; I've never met anyone as into it as me, so I can't test that to see how true it is.  But it was clear that if I didn't resort to something desperate I was going to have to watch the movie alone. If I couldn't find friends, I was just going to have to buy some.  Little plastic robot friends…

If I timed it just right, I could grab a few Transformers and then hit Best Buy for the movie. I went to the Transformers section and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the Transformers: Classics line, all new toys of the stars of this very damn movie!

Transformers: Classics are all new molds of existing Transformers characters.  They are molded to be more articulate, more playable, and more fun than the originals, and these things totally deliver.  While slightly differently sized than the original 80s toys they pay tribute to, the robot and vehicle modes are absolutely beautiful. As an added bonus, in robot mode these things have more points of articulation than a G.I. Joe figure. They're incredibly impressive, especially when you consider the fact that they're only $10 each. I already had the Classics versions of Starscream and Bumblebee waiting at home, so I knew they kicked all kinds of ass. But for my lonely little movie watching party, I needed Hot Rod, Wheeljack, and Optimus Prime.

If you haven't seen the movie by now, chances are you aren't going to, so I'm not spoiling things by telling you that Hot Rod becomes Rodimus Prime, the new leader of the Autobots.  So when it came down to whom to watch this movie with, he was an obvious choice.  For the Classics line they've renamed him Rodimus.  A lot of fans get pissy over name changes, but I've got no problem with this one. Once I got him out of the packaging, I didn't have a problem with anything about this toy. This thing is astounding. Transformers: Classics Hot Rod is so fucking amazing that it could only be cooler if it transformed on its own and walked to the kitchen to get me drinks and snacks during the movie. Seriously, your life is not complete unless you own one.

Wheeljack was my first Transformer ever, and I've always had a special place in my heart for him.  He got beat to hell in the movie, and many people claim he was killed, but I object.  All the other Transformers who died faded to grey, but as you can clearly see in the picture above, his body is not faded.  I maintain that he and Windcharger are both alive in this shot.  Anyway, after using the name Wheeljack for a totally un-Wheeljack like robot, Hasbro has since been calling all Wheeljack looking robots "Downshift."  What the fuck ever. 

Sadly, there is no Classics version of Wheeljack. This is Downshift from the Cybertron series. But look at his face. No other robot in any toy franchise has ever looked like that. And his rocket launchers can be shoulder mounted , just like Wheeljack's. The truth is obvious; you can call him whatever you like, but this is fucking Wheeljack. And he's got the best vehicle mode of all the Cybertron series toys, since it not only looks like a real car, but like an honest to god 70s muscle car. I wasn't too crazy about his colors at first, but once I got it into robot mode I was sold. I love this guy.

Optimus Prime was a bigger deal.  Yeah, there's a Classics Optimus, but then again there's a big giant monster Optimus, which is made of metal and built to scale with the other cars I bought.  Released specifically to destroy my hopes of saving any money ever, Transformers 20th Anniversary DVD Edition Optimus Prime was my must-have toy pal to watch this movie with.  He's colored like the cartoon, he has a ton of little features, he has more points of articulation than a handful of circus spiders, and at $70, he's only $50 more than Classics Optimus.  Seems like quite a bargain, huh?  Well, yeah, its pricey, but keep scrolling down and look how big he is compared to the original Optimus Prime.  He's coming home with me.

Okay, so Prime, Rodimus, and Wheeljack/Downshift in hand, I made for a quick exit.  Just as I was plotting my route to Best Buy in my head, a little energon colored light bulb went off over my head.  Target's DVD aisle is separated from the main thoroughfare aisle by a section of CDs and software, and sometimes they put DVDs out on the ends of the cd/software racks so they can be more easily seen from the Target consumerism main street. It was a long shot, but maybe the DVD was hiding out there.  I knew it was essentially pointless to check, but I decided to try anyway just for shits and giggles and

LO, UNTO THEE I SAYETH THANK YOU SWEET LIL' BABY JEBUS IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!! There, on the shelf, it appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes.  This gift from Prometheus on the mount, this token of immortal grace, this final sign that there is an all-powerful, all benevolent Creator, and he loves me way more than he loves any of you. I stood there for a few seconds, in denial, sure that I was just imagining this.  I reached out my hand and picked one up.  It was real.  It was solid.  It was tangible.  And it was… hefty. I was surprised that this thing was so weighty.  It could only mean one thing: there's LOTS of sweet stuff inside. 

In celebration of my find, I bought all that Halloween shit I told you about in Part I.  And you're gonna have to wait until Part III for the rest, 'cause I'm too sleepy to type more.  But rest assured that Part III will consist of the review of the  actual DVDs that I have promised.

TO BE CONTINUED…