HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE, ITS FINALLY HERE!!  Widescreen, deleted scenes, pop-up trivia, commentaries, trailers, easter eggs… I've been waiting a good long time for this, and believe me, I am not disappointed. Click the pic to read about the best damn thing ever.

Folks, its Thursday, and I've been laid low by a massive sinus infection for the past three days.  I intended to have this review done by now, but that didn't happen.  So I'm going to give you a little taste now, and a lot more later, so check back for more and more info as I write it.  For now, here's what I got:

Before you read further into this article, you need to know that usually my Tuesday nights are spent with my fat ass sprawled across Balthazar's couch while we have our eyes, ears, and emotional well-beings violently assaulted by Deadwood, Lost, and Rescue Me.  Along with the Firelfy and the various Star Trek series, these shows are the foremost reasons I have not yet given up on television as a medium for quality entertainment.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays Balthazar hooks me up with the best in televised entertainment, and in return I pretend not to be disturbed when he punches his cats or occasionally throws one across the room at 60 mph.  We have struck that kind of balance. But last Tuesday I didn't go over there, and it had nothing at all to do with Transformers.

Over the past month I have purchased a LOT of Halloween stuff. The last two weeks, its gotten a little out of hand.  In my frenzied orgy of post-Halloween consumer lust, I've spent way too much time and money scrounging up hidden Halloween treasures for pennies on the dollar.  Its been fun as hell, but a lot of that time would have been more responsibly spent on doing laundry, cleaning, paying bills, and, when time permits, sleeping and going to work.  As a result I have a pile of laundry approaching the dreaded three-foot altitude on my bedroom floor.  There's a pile of Halloween merchandise beside my bed that exceeds three feet by a wide margin.  As I type this, I'm wearing my last pair of clean boxers.  My living space is a wreck. So I told Balthazar I wouldn't be joining him for our usual Tuesday carnival of wonderfully entertaining televised awfulness. I was going to head home and put my nose to the grindstone.  It was my night to get shit done.

But then I got the email.

I signed up a long time ago for Transformers Tuesdays, which was basically a weekly email countdown to the release of the DVD.  Now that it has been released, I suspect I'll keep on getting the emails straight through until the release of the live action movie, but that's neither here nor there.  The point is, I'd been looking forward to getting the DVD all weekend, but I'd been kept so constantly busy at work on Tuesday that I'd forgotten all about it.  But the email came like a shining, glorious beacon from on high that burned a message of hope and comfort into my soul.  The message was this:

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT FUCKIN' LAUNDRY, CHIEF, 'CAUSE THE ONLY THING YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT IS TRANSFORMERS."

I never, ever, ever ignore messages like that, so after work it was off to Target I went. I rarely go to Target unless its convenient, because usually its not.  As a matter of fact, its usually way out of my way.  I debated my own judgement over the merits of Target vs. The Seven Hundred Stores Closer To My House, but I'd heard about a Halloween sale there, and they always have a nice TransFormers selection, so I thought I'd take a trip and see what they could do for me.  I'd heard the Halloween sale was 75% off, but when I got there I discovered it was a beautiful 90% off.  The selection was shitty, but for about $3 I walked away with three nice Halloween tins, a tombstone mirror, an elecronic haunted house candle thing, and a Frankenstein head flashlight. I call that a score.

Of course, when I first walked in, Halloween was the last thing on my mind.  I was there for the Transformers, and I made a beeline for the DVDs.  I checked the new arrivals and it was not there.  Not a one.  There wasn't even an empty place with a little yellow "The Transformers: The Movie 20th Anniversary Special Edition DVD" sticker to let me know there had been any there at all.  It was like the DVD just didn't exist.  I walked up and down the DVD row scanning the shelf so intensley I actually saw some of the DVDs start to smolder. Nada. Soon I was left with no other choice than to face the fact that I had driven all the way there for nothing. NOTHING. Oh my god, I can't describe to you my level of pissed-officity.

To calm myself, my cart and I travelled to the toy department at a brisk 30 mph, nearly running down an innocent teenage blonde stock girl with a fantastic ass, and two loud, annoying, 500-pound old redneck bitches who were argiung over which Avatar or Beyblade toy "Bubbie" wanted from Santa.  Well guess what, dumb bitches? IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS AND I DROVE ALL THIS WAY JUST TO NOT GET MY MOVIE, FILTHY CUNTS, SO FUCK YOU AND FUCK BUBBIE AND BE WARNED THAT YOU ARE BETWEEN ME AND THE TRANSFORMERS, SO FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR VIRGINIA SLIMS AND CAT PISS SMELLING STUPID LIVES I SUGGEST YOU THINK QUICKLY AND WISELY AND REMOVE YOUR RIDICULOUSLY HUGE ASSES FROM MY PATH OR I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Okay, folks, that's all I got for today, so here's something to tide you over until next time.  This little pic to the left is the DVD-ROM menu.  It loads up with the background first, then Optimus pops in, then very quickly thereafter the text.  After a couple of dozen failed screen capture attempts, I was able to grab it before the text was laid down.  I applied a little color correcting of my own (because I'm of the mind that there's no fucking reason Optiumus Prime should EVER be sun-faded salmon pink) and viola!, the first of what I hope will be many Sci-Fi Guys special Transformers exclusives - a 20th Anniversary DVD Optimus Prime wallpaper.  Enjoy!