Wherein I, with a heavy heart, bid a fond goodbye to the 2006 Halloween season, and share with you, Constant Reader, my deliciously evil plans for Halloween 2007! Boo!

I went shopping on November 1st and I'm already fucking sick of Christmas. I was just hoping to enjoy a little leisurely post-Halloween decoration markdown savings, but there was barely a Halloween decoration to be had. Everything Halloween has been shuffled off to whatever Island Of Misfit Toys hell they send that kind of stuff to when the big fat man in the long red coat goes into his yearly consumerism rut.

Today before work I went to a Dollar Tree that was absolutely packed with awesome Halloween cheapness just days ago.  All I came out with was a squishy ball full of fake blood and bugs, and three little Halloween bobble head gumball dispensers. That's not because that was all I really wanted, mind you, nor were these things I would normally have bought. I've passed these exact items up numerous times over the past month. Its just that this was everything they had. I walked out of that store with their ENTIRE FUCKING REMAINING HALLOWEEN INVENTORY. It was so depressing. I thought I'd cheer myself up by going next door to the big Halloween superstore that comes around every year that I've never been into. There was a sign on the door saying they were CLOSED FOR THE SEASON. Inside was a ton of awesome Halloween stuff, all lit up with nifty blowing prop fake fire and flashing devil lights. Inviting me. Taunting me. Mocking me with the awful truth that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't buy any of that stuff because there was no one in the store, and even if there were they wouldn't sell anything to me. They were CLOSED FOR THE SEASON. I wish all you girls out there reading this could see me, 'cause I have sad puppy dog eyes and I'm adorable right now. This site needs a web cam.

Its my fault, really. I thought about getting into Halloween this year. September rolled around and I considered it, forgot about it, remembered, considered some more, and then just let it die. I used to be so INTO Halloween. We all have our favorite holiday, and that was mine. True, life has thrown a lot of other unexpected shitty things at me in the last couple of years, but when all is said and done, I just got in the habit of not bothering and I let my Halloween love die. But all that changed when Frog Boy dug up my Halloween love's corpse, strapped it to a metal table in his lab, pumped it full of necromantic zombie mojo juice, hoisted it up to the highest part of his castle, and let a big ass bolt of lightning pump 1.21 gigawatts into the fucker. And now my Halloween love is alive! IT'S ALIVE!!

Frog Boy's review of Silver Bullet was just the thing I needed to get me into the proper Halloween mood.  The one where packaging with lots of spiders and bats makes everything they're selling seem so much more worth the price. I tried to resist at first, thinking of the down payment on the house I want to buy, thinking of the credit card bills I have to take care of, thinking of how big the gasoline dick they're gonna stick in our asses this winter is likely to be. But then my will broke, and I collapsed in an avalanche of broomsticks and pumpkins and witch hats and candy bowls that scream and scare the living shit out me when I pass them in the grocery store.

I'm hooked again. I'm in over my head, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like I have been away from my rightful place for a long time, and my ruby slippers have brought me home to where I really belong. The home where I could see that they weren't really rubies at all, but bloody vampire tears, eternally frozen by the evil witch on the mountain and fastened to my shoes with glue made from the blood of a thousand boiled baby skulls. My world fucking ROCKS.

Only it came late. Frog Boy's review wasn't out there until the month was damn near half over, and now that I'm full of my old, glorious Halloween bloodlust, the rest of the world has moved on. Leering devil masks and scores of demonic plastic battle axes have been replaced by smiling light up snowmen and giant candy canes. Christmas has hit my stores like the Nazis hit France, and it pisses me the fuck off, because I'm not ready to be gingerbread jolly yet this year. Jack should have let those three little evil shits with the walking bathtub kill Santa when they wanted to, because I've still got the taste of pumpkin and evil in my mouth, AND I WANT MORE, YOU CHRISTMAS WHORING SONS OF BITCHES.

Its only November 3rd, people.  You're done with the funeral while the body's still warm.  But I'm not gonna waste any more time bitching. There's still plenty of Halloweenishness left in me, and I'm focusing it all on planning for next year. This year got tiresome because I didn't plan ahead, and I spent a LOT of time doing stuff at the last minute. There were times when I thought I was getting tired of Halloween, but now I realize that's not true at all; I was getting tired of feeling like I was working for Halloween. I promised a new article every day until Halloween, and by doing so, I turned it into a chore. Everybody hates a chore, which is probably why I didn't deliver.

So here's the plan for next year: Since I celebrate Halloween starting on October 1st, I'm going to try to have a new article every day in October. Note the use of the word try; no promises. If I have to skip a few days here and there, I will, 'cause I'm keeping it fun next year. I'm also doing a lot of work ahead, right now, so that when Halloween 2007 rolls around I'll have the lion's share of the work out of the way and I can spend the season reveling in the macabre instead of staring at a monitor and screaming at Word Press that its a piece of shit and I hope it fucking dies and burns in hell. Actually, chances are good I'll spend a lot of time doing that anyway.

So what's in store? First and foremost, all the shit I didn't get to this year. Top of that list is Mrs. X's excellent review of the first Addams Family DVD set, then I'll review the movies. Guest columnist DISTURBATRON will make an appearance, as will the Jack O' Melon. Mrs. X will bring us some X-Files fanfic, and I'll see if we can't dig up some brand new puking pumpkins, and finally I will be taking a look at Wrong Turn, Freddy vs. The Ghostbusters, Killdozer (if I can get my hands on a copy), as well as a fair and balanced review of the worst goddamned piece of 200 proof shit movie ever made.

Godspeed, Halloween 2006. We barely knew ye. Halloween 2007… you're fucking mine!