I know I'm running really late with this post, but it was not a good morning.
Its cold as fuck here by the Ohio River, and sometime during the night Jack Frost saw fit to gather up all the coldness in the entire Ohio Valley and stuff it into my bedroom. I can't explain it, but the temperature in there was unreal. It was so cold. When I woke up, my body was warmly snuggled 
under my comforter, and my head was covered with a gentle dusting of snow. The last time it was this cold in a place where I lived, it was because my mother-in-law was visiting, ba-dump chink! Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Seriously, my entire head was freezing. I had a pounding headache, the muscles in my neck were all cramped up, presumably from trying to compress themselves under the covers in my sleep, and my sinuses felt like they had been fucked by John Holmes wearing that dick blade thing from Seven. If you've ever spilled super glue on your fingers, you know how hard and dry it makes your skin; the entire interior surface of my nose and sinuses was like that. It was like the nasty nasal faeries had been at my breathing passages with an angle grinder all night. Every inhalation hurt like a bitch.
This was my morning before I got out of bed.
I very much prefer this kind of Frost.
After I got up, I got to go out in the arctic chill and change my tire. My flat motherfucking tire. Nothing wakes you up in the morning like the realization that you've got a flat and you're gonna spend some time laying on freezing asphalt before you have to go to work. Quick, somebody call the whaambulance, I ate some bad cheese with my whine.
I was hoping when I got the tire off I would find a nice, clean hole that Pa Sci-Fi could patch up with his magic tire wand, but no dice. There's a sharp piece of aluminum in there, lodged down inside the fucking three inch gash it cut through the tread. There's no saving this tire. But I was determined not to let it get me down. After all, I had a cute little emergency spare doughnut in the trunk.
I have five lug bolts on my wheels. I was glad I have only five, because six would only be Halloweeny if I had to change three tires. So instead of being pissed that I was spending my morning changing my tire with my ass going numb from the cold, I took some delight in tightening the lug nuts in an upside down star pattern, pentagram style. See, now this is a Halloween article. Satan fuckin' rules.
I was all happy and proud of myself when the change was done. It went quickly and smoothly, and I was to glad to get my one manly chore for the year under my belt. December 31st is coming up, and I still hadn't filled my quota. I was feeling pretty slick 'cause I had gotten it changed just in the nick of time so I wouldn't be late for work. After I thumped my chest a little and pissed all over the place to mark my territory, I took the car down off the jack and stepped back to admire my handiwork. This is what I saw:
Fuck you too, Life.
What's the point of all this, you ask? Well, the point is that I had planned to write the big Addams Family reviews this morning. I really, really wanted to post it today. Because its Wednesday, get it? The spirits that be have obviously decided that's not going to happen, so this is what you get instead: old Halloween pictures. Why? Because every shitty webmaster in the world knows that if you're too lazy to write, you give 'em a gallery. I promised you a new article every day, not a good one. Caveat emptor, baby. But you know I still love ya.
That said, Frog Boy kindly provided these pics and I'm posting them as today's article. We can't figure out if this is Halloween 2001 or 2002, so we'll just call them pics from Fuck-o'-ween. I call it Fuck-o'-Ween not only because I'm a big fan of vulgarity, but because this party was so full of sex, and foreplay, and afterglow, that I'm surprised even I myself did not end up pregnant. I don't know if it was the moon, or the stars, or the fistful of X and roofies I dropped into the punchbowl when nobody was looking, but everybody who set foot in the door of my apartment that night got laid.
So come on in…
"No time for love, Dr. Jones!" I call this one "Dandiana Jones." The party had an 80's theme, so the costumes you're going to see will reflect that. Dan pulled out all the stops and bought a leather fedora and matching bullwhip. Very nice.
Mrs. X as Axl Rose. Dig the gel bracelets. Gnarly, dude.
Frog Boy as Generic Guns 'N' Roses Groupie Slut. Yep, this is my little brother. I just don't have the words…
Mark as Generic 80s Punk. He pulled it off very well; all kidding aside, I think this is a good look for him. Part of the secret of his success was acting like a punk by kidnapping his grandma from the home, dressing her up like punk, and dragging her out to party with us. This is Mary (I think) and at the time of this party she was 68 years old. Frog Boy, my younger brother, spent the majority of the night with his tongue down her throat. I try not to judge.
Mary as Generic Past-Her-Prime 80s Concert Slut. Mission accomplished.
Mr. X as Mikhail Gorbachev (Михаи́л Серге́евич Горбачёв). This costume was brilliant, and as soon as I saw it I was jealous I didn't think of it first.
Me as a Ghostbuster with the cousins. Frog Boy and I have are lucky enough to have a tight extended family, and some cousinage is always a great time. I should clarify that J is my cousin and J2 is her husband. You need to understand that to understand this - FUCK FACT #1: They came dressed up as "first couple who will leave to go have sex." Their costumes were spot on.
The Cure showed up, too. Well, the singer anyway. From left to right, this is some guy, Blue, and her boyfriend P Bo. They were friends of a friend who never showed up. They were great. We welcomed them in, fed them drinks, played Mike Tyson's Punch-Out with them, and (FUCK FACT #2) hooked Blue up with a lesbian for her and her boyfriend to enjoy for the night. He wasn't too happy about it, as I recall; when all was said and done I don't think he was still welcome. Sorry, dude; that party's ladies only. But look at the bright side, P Bo: I let you take all my turns helping Little Mac beat the shit out of Soda Popinski because you were having such a good time. You can't have everything, you know. Stop pouting and be a man and she'll still probably let you watch.
The ex as Tammy Faye Bakker. I thought this was the most original costume idea of the night. It just never would have occurred to me.
This is some chick that showed up with Dan's brother. You can't really tell from this pic, but she looked just like Garth. This was probably the most authentic costume of the night. I also got a big kick out of the fact that she was wearing a Cure shirt when P Bo was dressed up as the lead singer of The Cure. You know, old whats-his-name. Its Ted, isn't it? I think its Ted. Yeah, that's it - Ted Cure.
This is easily the most Ghostbusterish of all my pictures. Its the cigar and smug look that does it. FUCK FACT #3: I really wanted to have hardcore porn sex with both of these girls, either one at a time or together, but I didn't. See my comments to P Bo above.
Mariam as The Crazy Neighbor Lady From Every 80s Sticom Ever.
If Mariam were giving birth, this is what the worlds very worst delivery room team would look like.
FUCK FACT #4: Ted Cure playing with a Ghostbuster's nipple does not count as sex. But it is one hell of a photo opportunity.
Watch your step, you turbo revvin' young punks; Mr. Inflatable Pumpkin has his eyes on you. No matter how I spell 'inflatable' it looks wrong.
God, I love this picture. This is a face of Mark's I've seen a hundred times, and it is perhaps the most expressive specific human body language I've ever seen. I'm not sure another human being could do it. This is his "I'm going to listen quietly to you for decorum's sake, but I'm really only waiting for you to stop talking, because you're wrong, and I think you're an idiot, and you know I don't agree with you, and I never will because you're not as smart or informed as myself, and if I had the authority I would have you sterilized to prevent you from passing your ignorance on to your potential children, you brainless sack of wasted human organs" face. I cherish the times when I get to see this face. Sometimes I make him mad just so he'll do it. Its like Christmas morning appearing on the front of my friend's head. Its so choice.
I don't remember there being any dancing…
… but clearly there was.
FUCK FACT #5: These two fucked that night.
Dan as Don Johnson, She Who Shall Not Be Named as the living incarnation of malice, and Jamie (I think).
FUCK FACT #6: Jack Frost gets his rape on in my shower. Actually, this didn't happen at this particular party; I'm just including it here because it was on the roll of film and I don't want to forget to post it later.
"Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?"
FUCK FACT #7: Dan fucked the chick on the left. FUCK FACT #8: Blue fucked the chick on the right. It was a really good party. I also dig the fact that the overall shape of the spider webs on the wall is vaguely suggestive of panties. I'm good like that.
Usually getting to touch Marisa for any reason would put me an a damn good mood, but you can see I'm not smiling anymore. As a matter of fact, look back at my pictures and you'll see I appear to be having less and less fun as the night went on. No, it was just that the spinal compression pains from carrying that heavy ass proton pack were really starting to get to me. According to Harold Ramis, Bill Murray whined like a bitch on the set of the movie because he had to wear the pack so much. I used to think that made him a Hollywood pussyboy, but then I tried it for myself. Its unbearable. This picture was taken very shortly before I decided the pack looked even better on the floor, leaning against the bar at a rakish 80s angle.
I like this pic because there's so damn much going on it. In particular, I like that you can see Dan and his woman in the background sitting on the couch watching the other Dan dance. I hoped they tipped him well; he's more than just a great body, you know. He's only dancing as a way to put himself through school.
See how much better it looks there on the floor, not attached to my back causing me permanant spinal injuries? I'm including this pic because I'm pretty sure Frog Boy would yank my scrotum off like a paper towel if I didn't. He fucking loved this thing. Being the one who built it, all I could see was how horribly inaccurate it was. Got plenty of compliments, though. I built it with the intention of going back and putting lights and electronics in, but unfortunately it was destroyed a few years ago during the move into my house. I still have all the salvageable parts, and one day I will rebuild this thing. I ain't gonna let myself die 'til I do.
I like this picture because Katie looks like a Jedi.
Hands down my favorite pic of the night. Dan was just walking by and turned his head at the right time, but it looks so purposeful. This should either be an album cover or the magazine ad for a new prime time drama about two tough, streetwise cops who bend the letter of the law to bring justice to the mean streets of (insert popular big city name here).
Emily, the ex, and me. Good fucking Christ, if looks could kill Emily would be so dead. Emily was my close friend before I met Katie. My first date with Katie was a group date, as a matter of fact, and Emily was there. Emily was a beautiful, petite brunette. Katie was a beautiful, petite brunette. They were NOT friends. FUCK FACT #9: Katie was intensely sexual when she was jealous of other girls. I go SO laid this night.
This is Jimmy. FUCK FACT #10: This is the girl Jimmy fucked.
Frog Boy takes five from his nine hour makeout marathon with Mark's grandmother to molest new womanflesh. Look how disgusted Marisa is. That's because Frog Boy smells like old lady.
When Mark saw this picture online, his first words to me were "If you're my friend, you will remove that picture immediately." I will, Rocket Man, I will. But I think its gonna be a long, long time…
Meat and cheese tray balanced precariously on the plastic pumpkin bucket - CHECK. Mark eating directly from the box of generic Ritz cracker wannabes - CHECK. Not enough couch space for everyone - CHECK. Yep, nothing but the classiest at my parties.
This would be a great promo for a new sitcom set in a mental institution. The show will be called Cracked! and Katie will play Dr. Cecilia Werner, the cheerful psychiatrist who lovingly tolerates the antics of her wards-of-the-state loonies. Mark is Snake, the funloving biker with sexual identity issues and a penchant for arson. Dan's woman is Lucretia Slythe, a murderous, straight-laced psychopath who plays the "Felix Unger" to Snake's "that other guy from The Odd Couple." Mariam is Georgette Tornauer, the woman with 54 personalities. She is the breakout star of the show, and her robotic "Georgettron" personality is the show's Fonzie/Urkel. I play Bud Chavez, the hyperactive former janitor who is now a patient. I have severe impulse control problems and I will occasionally use my knowledge of the facilities to allow us to escape and have wacky adventures in the big city. Dan is Jack Harker, the son of a billionaire politician who was driven mad by his parents' decadent lifestyles and cold, controlling natures. He is the sympathetic character that all the girls like. A shy introvert, when flustered he becomes insanely violent, and will kill at least one person in a "very special episode" every time sweeps week rolls around.
Cracked! - Coming This Fall!
Only On
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
October 26th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
The Ghostbusters outfit is fuckin awesome - why wasn’t I invited?
October 26th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
We don’t like your kind.
No, this is before we were reintroduced at the 10-year reunion. You missed this by either one or two years. I haven’t really had a Halloween party since then, I don’t think. I used to live for my Halloween parties, and I miss throwing them. I think I’ll start having them again. You hear that, 2007? I’m coming for ya…
Tonight the part of Chris will be played by Horatio Sanz.
October 26th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
I also loved your parties. Damnit I need a party to wear my Clockwork Orange costume to. I command you to have a party Chirs.
October 26th, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Then it shall be done!
You know, maybe P Bo wasn’t Blue’s boyfriend. I think maybe this guy was. This is the only picture we have of him, but now that I see him again I remember there was some kinda weird vibe going on between these three. I think maybe P Bo was the Ross to Blue’s Rachel, and dude here was the Italian crapweasel that hooked up with her during the blackout. Yeah, I watched F•R•I•E•N•D•S, so what? Shut up.
Anyway, I don’t remember what their deal was exactly, but I know somebody was pissed that Blue and Jamie(?) did the lez bang tango without him. I can feel the guy’s pain; Blue had a severe fuckability about her that does not come through in these pictures. I wasn’t even trying to get in her pants and I found myself doing more than my fair share of flirting with her. Devil, thy name is vagina!
Ahh, the memories…
October 26th, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Weren’t they Dave’s friends anyway? He never showed up.
October 26th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
Yup.
October 27th, 2006 at 11:40 am
As I recall those people were weird and not too friendly.
October 27th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
I got on very well with them. It was kind of like that housecat that raised a baby squirrel as part of its litter: once they realized they weren’t going to freak me out with their goth veneer, and that I could easily outweird them even dressed as something as loveable as a Ghostbuster, they accepted me as one of thier own. I seem to recall that Frog Boy and P Bo hit it off especially well, and I’m pretty sure if it hadn’t been for the fact that I would have kicked them out, I think the two of them would still be there in that apartment, on my old couch, playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. They were nuts about that game.
March 21st, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Nice Post! I like it !
April 2nd, 2007 at 9:45 pm
I love inflatable beds,thank you.
Chris’s note: These damn spam messages are getting weirder and weirder. The link I deleted was for a site that sold all kinds of inflatable shit, but no beds. Not a one. What the hell kind of marketing strategy is that?
July 11th, 2007 at 6:07 am
The two bigs guys are hot I would love to get some three way with them WOOF
July 11th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I’m assuming that I’m one of the big guys you’re talking about, so thanks, Jeff. Unfortunately your chance of having a three way with us is about the same as my chance of having a three way with any of the chicks at this party. It just ain’t gonna happen. But I appreciate the compliment. I am at my sexiest when I’m dressed to bust some heads… in a spiritual sense of course.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Hey Jeff….how you doing? I think I’m one of the big guys you are talking about! However, I hate to disappoint but I’m taken already by a sexy hung of a man.
Woofs back at ya!
Mark
mains@insightbb.com
July 19th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Hates to disappoint you… but then he leaves his email address. Interesting.
October 2nd, 2007 at 11:34 am
The title of this article has been updated. I was finally able to accurately pinpoint the year. This party happened in 2001.