I saw this movie on a rack full of other Halloween DVDs for $10, and I was so psyched. I grabbed it, remembering that it was good, remembering how much I liked it way back in 1992. After watching it again, I can't imagine what the hell I'm remembering, because this movie sucks more than (insert your own vampire pun here).

I think the thing about this movie that's confusing my memory is that its really pretty. The Matrix sequels, the Star Wars prequels, and Moulin fucking Rouge used a lot of flash-bang pops and whistles to divert your attention from the fact that they were just fucking horrible movies, and they must've learned all that from Dracula. This movie has a thousand flaws, but one thing you have to give it props for is being good looking. This entire film is just beautiful. 

I'm not saying its not an effective tactic; hell, it worked on me, otherwise I probably would never have bought this damn thing. Honestly, almost every single frame of this movie is just plain old nice to look at, which tricks you into thinking that if its this consistently good looking, it must be a quality film. Not so. Prettiness, frequent titty scenes, and a decent Annie Lennox song in the closing credits are this movies only redeeming qualities. Beyond that, its dismal.

First and foremost, watching Dracula is like watching someone turn a bank of ultrapowerful spotlights onto an enormous Day-Glo billboard that reads "Keanu Reeves is a shitty actor."  His level of sucktitude is almost staggering. Seriously, this movie would be so much better if they had replaced him with something more charismatic and beleiveable, like a brightly colored hand puppet, or a tree stump. He starts off the movie playing Jonathan Harker with a shitty British accent, then it turns into a weirdly stilted American accent, which turns into a really shitty British accent whenever he's around Anthony Hopkins. 

I'm not just being a dick to get a laugh, here; I can prove to you how awful he is. If, like me, you are unfortunate enough to have paid good money for this DVD, pop it in and go to chapter 46.  This is the part where the good guys are on a train, racing Dracula's ship from London to Transylvania. This is the most awesome example of Reeves sucking I have ever seen.  He's narrating the plan to beat Dracula there and kill him, and in EVERY SENTENCE his accent changes at least once. Most of the sentences start off a little British, turn American, then become British again at the very end. Some of them are only British for one word. Its so bad that I'm tempted to believe he's doing it on purpose, but then I remind myself that I've seen The Matrix: Reloaded, and that he's probably giving it all he's got. Poor Keanu.

I'd feel sorry for him for having to be in scenes with an incredible actor like Anthony Hopkins, but Hopkins is no gem in this movie either.  I've never read the book, so I don't know if this was the way its supposed to be played, but I'm pretty sure Hopkin's version of Van Helsing had multiple personality disorder. I'm fairly certain he's playing at least five different people. There was the charming, sophisticated Mr. Van Helsing, super serious Professor Van Helsing, reliable but coldly distant Dr. Van Hesling, passionately driven crusader Van Helsing, and more than this movie's fair share of Hannibal Lecter Van Helsing.  Come to think of it, that would have been a much better movie – the great Dr. Van Helsing must force his squabbling split personalities to work together so that he can find and kill Dracula.  I call copyright dibs on that. It would be kind of like the Addams Family movies, but with Hopkins playing every part. Picture the love scenes, when Gomez Van Helsing gets busy all over Morticia Van Helsing, both played simultaneously by Anthony Hopkins. Do the words "I'd like to thank the Academy" mean anything to you? But no, what we got instead was wacky backwoods cousin Jeb Van Helsing humping a cowboy's leg. No, I'm not kidding. This was a bad movie.

Now for these wastes of fine mammary tissue: 

I would review the roles of the women in Dracula, but they were only there to show us their tits.  They added nothing to this film except for a collection of rather enjoyable breasts.  I have no problem with great tits, but for women who were obviously written in just to hook us guys up with some visual funbaggage, they fucking talked incessantly. Even worse, not one word any of them said served to advance the story in any way. I understand that this barrage of meaningless, non-stop verbal diarrhea is exactly the way all women communicate in real life, but god damn, why would you choose to film so much of it?  I take a girl to the movies to get her to stop talking for an hour and a half, not so I can pay to sit there and hear a different one do it. And in a fake accent, no less. Jesus Christ. Oh, and Winnona Ryder pulls down her blouse, but not far enough to show us any nipple. Fucking cocktease.

Gary Oldman's a good Dracula, but if you thought Hopkins was all over the place, wait until you see Oldman.  I'm not sure Dracula looks or acts the same for any two scenes in this movie. No matter what he looked like or how he played the character, he was the only person in this movie who never got on my nerves, so I'm going to go ahead and say that Oldman was definitely the stand-out star of Dracula.  Then again, he was the only one who got to dress up like a nine foot tall bat-demon, so that's kind of a no-brainer.

I had to watch this movie over the course of three days, because I just couldn't sit through it.  If it hadn't been for the fact that I was reviewing it for the site, I would never have finished it.  The DVD label says the movie is 126 minutes long, but I would have sworn it was over three hours.  It felt like watching a miniseries.  And the worst part is that I never figured out who's story it was. Who's the hero? Who are we supposed to care about in this thing? I thought it was Jonathan Harker at first, but he's such a sniveling whiney pussy that I can't imagine he's supposed to be the guy we're cheering for.  He's not even in half the movie.  Is it Mina?  Boring and tedious. She spends almost every scene either whispering her lines or sobbing her way through them.  Van Hesling?  He doesn't show up until halfway through the damn movie, and even then he's clearly out of his fucking mind.  Dracula?  If we get two scenes in the entire damn movie where he looks the same, maybe we could care a little more about him. The writers/director can't seem to pin down what they want his age, powers, appearance, or personality to be. At the end, it was just a series of things that happened to a series of people, none of whom or which I cared about in the least.

This movie's biggest problem is that it takes itself so fucking seriously that it becomes no fun to watch.  With the star power, money, and photographic acheivement this movie has to offer, its a shame it wasn't handled better. There's an incredible amount of lost potential here.  I think that in his desire to create art, Francis Ford Coppola forgot that movies are first and foremost entertainment, and he ended up failing to create either.  Its too damn bad, too, because in the right director's hands, this movie would have been a fucking masterpiece.  My god, I'm so deep and thoughtful.

Too bad the film's so shitty; it was a phenomenal movie poster.

I did think of a good use for this DVD, though. I have always wanted to have a Halloween party with a bunch of monster movies playing on different TVs all over the place.  Just mute the TV, and this becomes the prettiest Halloween screensaver you'll ever own.  And if any wise ass decides to turn the volume up, he's gettin' a stake through the heart, Attorney General Prof. Grandpa Lecter Van Helsing style.

I'm sleepy and tired of writing now, so I'm stopping,

Chris

PS – I forgot to make any Winona Ryder shoplifting jokes.  There's extra credit in it for anyone who makes up their own and shares them with the rest of the class.  Thanks.