Chris versus “Marvel versus DC” - Part Two!
The chills! The spills! The stunning conclusion to the battle of the (last) century!
Picking up where we left off…
ROUND 8: Storm vs. Wonder Woman
Victor: Storm
I don’t know, man, I go back and forth on this one. I’m not sure I’m 100% right, but I’m only on the second sentence of the second half of this review, and already I’m tired of writing this damn thing. So I’m gonna go ahead and call this one BULLSHIT.
Storm can control the weather, but I was never clear how expansive her powers are. According to her Wikipedia article, she posseses atmokinesis - the ability to manipulate the weather on a planetary scale. She can generate electric fields, magnetic fields, high-density pressure fields, is highly intelligent and an able strategist and field commander. She has minor telepathic defenses and creates indestructable pressure domes that can cut through a mountain or withstand punches from superstrong mutants. Well, damn, then. Storm is basically a weather goddess. You go, girl.
Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is the princess the Amazon warriors, and possesses powers granted to her by the Olympian gods. She has enhanced speed and reflexes, and is capable of supersonic flight. She possesses great wisdom and intelligence, and is the finest warrior ever born among the Amazons of Theymscira. She has been trained with nearly every weapon ever made, specialing in the bow and the javelin. Her blessing from the goddess Artemis grants her the “Hunter’s Eye”, which gives her unity with the animal kindgom and the ability to tame wild beasts. She is also an accomplished strategist and tactitian, and she had a shitload of magical weapons, mostly indestructible ones given to her by gods. Most importantly, she has superhuman strength, endurance, and her connection to Gaia allows her to heal extremely rapidly. In the past, she has stood her ground against both Superman and Captain Marvel with little problem, not solely because of her powers, but because, first and foremost, Wonder Woman is a soldier. I think if this story were well written, Wonder Woman would’ve handed old white eyes her tight little ass. Dianna is a combat verteran who was trained from birth to be a lethal and effective killing machine, possesive of a fighting prowess more overwhelming than any mortal soldier could ever possibly achieve, and THAT’S why I gotta call this one BULLSHIT.
Storm has all the powers of a weather god, but her body, nice to look at though it may be, is all too human. Wonder Woman is not a human. Amazons are created by gods; her skin has the density of marble. What’s more, like Wolverine she can constantly heal herself at an incredible rate. Factor in her nigh indestructible divine armor and weapons, and, when all is said and done, there’s just nothing Storm can dish out that Dianna couldn’t take. Storm may be as powerful as a god, but everything I’ve read tells me that she’s probably as fragile as normal human being. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is a literally rock-hard trained soldier, who, unlike most of the other do-good DC heroes, WILL kill an enemy without remorse or hesitation if she decides the situation warrants it. She’s a fucking AMAZON. Storm would probably have knocked her around for a while, but WW should have come out on top, hands down. Like I said, BULLSHIT.
Its also worth noting that Wonder Woman is beautiful, has gorgeously huge breasts, perfectly tight ass, and big, full lips that would make your dick stand straight up and laugh out loud at Angelina Jolie. She was made by the gods to be inhumanly beautiful and sexually irresistible. That’s right; she’s not just drawn that way, it’s a gods-given superpower. She’s supernaturally HOT. So fuck you twice, Ororo Munroe. Wonder Woman brings the mizilkshake to tha muthafuckin’ YARD!
ROUND 9: Spider-Man vs. Superboy
Victor: Spider-Man
BULLSHIT.
Begun, this clone war has. Superboy was a clone of Superman, and the Spider-Man who fights here is Peter Parker’s clone Ben Reilly, who merely thought he was Parker, and who saw fit to bang Mary Jane and wear Spidey’s red tights whenever he liked. There’s a joke somewhere there with the whole banging Mary Jane/redhead/tight thing, but I’ll be damned if I can work it out. If I do, I’ll drop it on you later, in person, ’cause I track the personal info of everyone who reads this site. That’s right, I’m talking about YOU, Linda. And I’ll be waiting for you at your house tonight. In your closet. In your underwear.
You’d think a clone of Superman would have some pretty astounding abilities and powers, and guess what… you’d be right. But Superboy was an imperfect clone. He was only half Kryptonian; the other half of his genetics came from Lex Luthor, who somehow snuck his DNA in there, I guess just to piss people off. What can I tell you, the guy’s a dick.
Anyway, Superboy’s powers are understandably a little different from Superman’s, but nontheless potent as hell. It started out that all his powers were based on “tactile telekinesis” which means he could move shit around with his mind, but only if he was touching it. Sounds lame on paper, but if I could lift a bus over my head just by touching it with the end of my pinky finger, you’d hear no complaints from me. Later on, he dropped the ‘tactile’ and got full blown telekinesis, ’cause he be kickin’ it Dagobah style, and he ain’t goin’ out like dat. HE AIN’T GOIN’ OUT LIKE DAT. He also had the full gamut of Superman-style Kryptonian powers: flight, invulnerability, super-strength, super-speed, super-hearing, x-ray, telescopic, and microscopic vision, and heat vision eye beams. His opponent was Spider-man.
Spider-man can stick to walls.
Okay, I’m oversimplifying, but do you see my point here? This is not a fair match in any way. It isn’t a fair match physically because Superboy should be able to mop the floor with Spider-man in no time flat. Its a ridiculous fight. Its also ridiculous and unfair logically, in that Spider-man, who is one of the most popular and successful superheroes ever, was going to win the vote and force the writers to come up with this contrived, nonsensical story - which is exactly what happened.
Spider-man defeats Superboy by tricking him into flying headlong into an electrical junction box. Okay, not to be a dick here, but normal human beings in the real world have survived contact with these things. Why does it knock Superboy out? Why was electricity, high-voltage or otherwise, so harmful to a NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE PSYCHIC CLONE OF SUPERMAN? Oh, yeah, I remember why. ‘Cause it’s BULLSHIT.
You know, half of Spider-man’s charm is that he’s exceptionally quick thinking, which has saved his ass far more times than those webslingers have, against opponents that should have easily killed him. So, as far fetched and implausible as it is, I’m not willing to say that there’s absolutely no way Peter Parker could defeat Superboy. As a matter of fact, I’d give Parker even money against this guy. But this wasn’t Peter Parker. This was a clone; some guy made to LOOK like Peter Parker. He didn’t have the quick wit that developed with experience. He didn’t have the know-how that came from years of dealing with much more powerful opponents. He was the new guy. And I’m NOT willing to imagine, not for one instant, that a temp with some stolen spandex and second-hand web shooters could defeat a being as powerful as Superboy. Its stupid. And so is this fight.
But Ben’s new 1996 Spidey costume looks pretty sweet. I’ll give him that.
Uh oh…
SCOREBOARD
DC-3 - MARVEL-6
That’s it; DC has lost. Even if the last two DC champions win, the DC universe is doomed. Right? Why are these last two fights even being dealt with? Who the hell knows what’s going on? What the point of all this? Is anyone still reading this? If you are, be the first to leave ONLY the word “CLUSTERFUCKERS” in all caps as your comment and you’ll receive a comic related prize. Nope, I’m not kidding.
ROUND 10: Superman vs. The Incredible Hulk
Victor: Superman
Damn! How awesome is that illustration?! That’s pure fucking SWEETNESS! Too bad it didn’t come from this series. Actually, its probably best I’m not using art from this series, because the illustrations of this fight were actually pretty weak. Weak, I say. That’s an ironic pun. ‘Cause both these guys are real strong, see? Get it?
Maybe its because I grew up seeing Lou Ferigno snarling and roaring through green paint, but I have always thought of the Hulk as an incredibly powerful but monstrous hero, with an intriguing, moving, tragic story, and not a 10 foot tall brilliant scientist possessing godlike strength. The Hulk, for me, has always been your classic Frankenstein’s monster type of character. I’ve always loved the way you could take his story and place it anywhere in the timeline of science fiction, and, with a few minor adjustments, it would still seem right at home. Here’s a guy who’s been twisted and ravaged by the very science he sought to advance, and by becoming more monstrous, part of him is forced to become more human. Its a classic science fiction plot, and a damn good story.
But, when all is said and done, underneath the gamma green and 6,000 pounds of muscles, the Hulk is still a human being. This fight supposedly gave Superman a real workout, and he says that Hulk nearly stood up to all the punishment he could dish out. Hmm…
It never occurred to me that the Hulk should be as strong or (almost) as tough as Superman. I guess I can accept it, but it seems a bit odd. I don’t follow the Hulk in the comics, so I’m not sure how this all came about, but apparently at some point the Hulk lost his mindless raging animal side while retaining the green skin and ability to lift San Diego over his head. He is (or was; I’m not sure how things currently stand in the ever-shifting comics industry) essentially a huge, green-skinned Bruce Banner with all the powers and none of the drawbacks of being the Hulk.
This raises a question I’ve been meaning to ask the writers and editors of Marvel Comics since I began rereading this series: WHAT THE FUCK? If Marvel wanted to make that kind of character, then why not just create a new one? Why mess with this great story Stan Lee set up for us by turning the Hulk into every ridiculous fucking character that Image comics ever published? Why ruin a great, beloved, classic comic book character? Was green ink on sale that week? Huh?! You answer me when I’m talking to you!!
A lot of people make a lot of Superman gay jokes because they heard someone else do it in Rapper’s Delight, and that shit is mad phat clever, yo. Guess what; it was clever, and pretty damn funny when we first heard it… back in 1979. But the shit’s tired now. In truth, Superman was the first published superhero character, and the his phenomenal popularity worldwide is one of the main reasons that comic books are still around today. Supes has had some pretty fantastic comics to his name, so I give him props. Mad phat props, bird. I’m willing to believe the Hulk had great comics also, but I don’t like the Hulk the way I’m seeing him in this series. Gay or not, I wanted Superman to kick his ass on principle. And I don’t really understand how it could have gone otherwise.
The Hulk in the comics seems to posses a fair degree of super speed, incredible resistance to injury, and quasi-supernatural strength which often produces effects which not only defy the laws of physics, but the laws of reason. That’s cool, though - so does the Last Son of Krypton. The Hulk apparently has super breath as well, which seems to me more or less a blatent ripoff of Superman’s exact same power, but whatever. For the sake of argument, however flimsy that argument may be, let’s say they’re dead even so far. We’ve reached the extent of the Hulk’s powers.
But Superman hasn’t exhausted his arsenal. Not by a long shot.
Since the Hulk has to do his damage with fisticuffs, it seems natural that someone with a powerful long range weapon would have a distinct advantage over the Hulk. A long range weapon like, oh, I dunno, FUCKING KRYPTONIAN HEAT VISION. Superman also has telescopic vision. If you, out there reading this, have this kind of advantage, here’s how to defeat the Hulk without getting a scratch on you: fly into orbit (in the comics it has been established that Superman can hold his breath for days), making sure you carry a small mountain with you. Track the Hulk with your telescopic vision, and blast the bejesus out of him with your crazy alien eyebeams. Go ahead and do your worst; you’re in space, he can’t reach you. While you’re doing this, throw good size chunks of the mountain at him. Or you could just wait until he’s worn down from the heat vision, and drop the whole fuckin’ mountain on him at once. When you’re beating the hell out of the Incredible Hulk, nuke him from orbit - its the only way to be sure.
Yeah, yeah, I know, Superman would never destroy nature and risk the lives of innocents OR his opponents with such reckless mountain-flinging tactics. Fine; just stand there and wait for the Hulk to come for you, because that’s what he’s gonna do. When he grabs you, grab him right back, and fly straight up, now tell me do you really wanna love me forever, into space. Wait for the Hulk to pass out from lack of oxygen. You win. Oh, oh, oh.
I don’t think there should have been any question as to who should have won this. I only question why Supes didn’t win it sooner. In my estimation, he got punched far more than he really needed to, and, Man of Steel or not, getting punched by the Incredible Hulk has got to suck. Maybe Superman saw the same episodes of Hulk’s TV show that I saw as a kid, back when Banner’s first name was David, and he just felt sorry for the guy. Wandering the earth, never knowing love or peace, hunted and hated for just trying to stay alive… it ain’t easy being green. That’s probably why Superman allowed him to get a few shots in; to boost his morale. Or maybe he just felt bad that his new movie is so much better than Hulk’s movie was. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that it takes a hell of a guy to let the Incredible Hulk punch him just so the Hulk can sleep a little easier that night. One HELL of a guy. And that’s why they call him super, man.
ROUND 11: Batman vs. Captain America
Victor: Batman
I have always found this fight very interesting. Not for the fight itself, or the story, because all of the above was basically pure crap. Batman and Captain America fight for hours with no clear winner. I don’t know why this pic shows them fighting on the Statue Of Liberty, because they didn’t. They fought in a damn sewer. No, I don’t have any idea why. Batman likes to jump down from great heights and use a swing line. Captain America has a big ass shield that he throws around like a boomerang. They’re both the kind of guys who really operate best in wide open spaces. But they’re in a sewer. Just go with it.
So anyway, the fight goes on and on, until finally Captain America is washed away by some surprise sewer water and Batman wins. Yeah, that’s really how it went down. Like I said, pure crap. Cap deserved a better fall, and Batman deserved a better victory. Pun intended, its a pretty shitty way to close out such an epic collision of worlds, don’t you think? I mean, this fight would have been more interesting if they’d played fucking chess to determine the winner. Hell, the art didn’t even look that good. Such potential. Such a disappointment.
But I find it really interesting that they would be so evenly matched. They each represent the maximum human potential. And… look I’m gonna level with you, I have no idea where I was going with this paragraph. I’m very sleepy, and this article is longer is longer than Ron Jeremy at a hentai convention.
Let’s bottom line it: Batman won this fight. DC should have won the whole damn thing. Their characters are simply too powerful compared to their Marvel opponents. This whole contest was fucking stupid and totally BULLSHIT, not only because of the outcomes of the individual fights, but because of who WASN’T included. Where the fuck was Iron Man? Martian Manhunter? The Scarlet Witch? Green Arrow? And since they let other villains fight, how about Magneto? Darkseid? Dr. Doom? Dr. Polaris? Were they too busy? What the hell?!
After all is said and done, I still kinda like this series. To be honest, after revisiting all its flaws, I can’t tell you why, but I still do. The very best thing about this fiasco was that it all lead to the the two universes merging into the Amalgam Universe, which remains one of the most creative cooperations between two competing comic book pubishers I think I have ever read. They split up again, due to irreconcilable differences, but while it Amalgam Comics lasted it was damn nice.
I know I told you I would give you an in depth review of Amalgam Comics, and I’m not backing out of that completely, but its gonna be a long damn while. I’m worn out with this article. Instead, I’m gonna get real lazy and give you some pretty pics that I’ll doubtless caption and comment on at great length because I never learned when to stop writing. Words words words words words…
Firestorm: The Nuclear Man
Excelsior, true believers!,
Chris
July 24th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
CLUSTERFUCKERS!
July 24th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
It has to be only the word! You’d better repost WITHOUT that exclamation point ASAP!!
July 24th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
CLUSTERFUCKERS
July 24th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Storm vs. Wonder Woman
Tough call. While there’s no doubt Wonder Woman is the better physical combatant and is physically superior, she has no long range powers. Storm on the other hand could tag you with a lightning bolt from a mile away. Add in the fact that she can generate pressure domes powerful enough to cut through a mountain or deflect blows from extraordinarily strong mutants and I have a hard time picking a clear winner.
In the end, I have to go with Wonder Women though, simply because she is way tougher, more experienced, and isn’t restricted by a traditional superhero morality code.
Spiderman vs. Superboy
First of all, the whole Peter Parker clone thing: FUCKING LAME!!!! LAME, LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME LAME!!!!!!!
Superboy should have easily wiped the floor with this yutz. Yeah, he was Spiderman’s clone but he didn’t have Spiderman’s experience.
If this had been the real Spiderman, I would have no problem with him coming out on top. From what I understand, Superboy, despite having all these powers was still very young and immature, a hothead if you will. The veteran Spiderman could have easily turned this to his advantage like he’s done so many times against other physically superior foes.
I guess it comes down to this: do you believe that if you make an exact clone of somebody, the will behave, think, and act the same way? I say no, therefore I call this contest bullshit.
The Hulk vs. Superman
Thank God they got this one right. All I will say is, in response to Chris’ comment about the length of the battle, I would imagine Superman was holding back in his typical boy scout fashion. Don’t forget about his strong moral leash either.
Batman vs. Captain America
The ultimate ninja vs. the ultimate soldier. I agree with Chris on this one. Batman should have won, but not in such a pathetic fashion. Both are incredible fighters and deserved a better resolution to their battle. Why Batman you ask? He’s smarter and possess an incredible array of fighting skills practically unparalleled in the DC universe. Plus he’s not above fighting dirty if necessary.
So those are my votes in a nutshell. Combine these results with the last post and I have DC beating Marvel 8 to 3.
July 24th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
BOOYAH! Mrs. X wins! Her prize of inestimable value will arrive in a beautiful yellow bubble-wrap-lined envelope just as soon as I figure out what in the hell its gonna be.
And remember, kids, all prize packages are delivered to our winning contestants via the clean and efficient US Postal Service. The United States Postal Service: The Sweetest Smelling Postal Service In The World!™
DanM, good call with the Superboy/hothead argument. That was actually a big part of his story. When DC revamped the Golden Age character The Ray and brought him back into the DC universe as the son of the original Ray, they had him bump into Superboy, and they of course started fighting. The Ray, who had nowhere NEAR the magnitude of power that Superboy did, managed to hold his own against Superboy because Superboy’s hot temper led him to make stupid decisions during the fight. So, yeah; if it was Peter Parker in the Spidey suit, I’d have no problem with Superboy losing. But the way this was written it just doesn’t make much sense.
Superboy eventually came to terms with his social and biological status as Superman’s clone. Superman officially recognized Superboy’s Kryptonian heritage as well as his rightful place in the house of El, and gave him the Kryptonian name Kon-El. Superboy took the name ‘Connor Kent’ after Superman convinced his parents (the only two people on the planet experienced in raising a Kryptonian teenager) to take him in. With the guidance and love of the Kents as his first real taste of family, Superboy grew into a powerful hero in his own right, independent from Superman.
Very recently, Superboy was killed battling Superboy Prime, his much more powerful and power-hungry counterpart from another dimension. Robin, with whom he had become close friends, now works to clone Superboy, a project which he has thus far kept secret from both Batman and Superman. It has yet to be revealed if he will be successful and what the repercussions will be.
July 24th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
HOLY FUCKING MONKEY SHIT!!!!!
I know this is totally unrelated to this article, but Peter Cullen, the voice of Optimus Prime in the original 80s cartoon, has been announced as the voice of Optimus Prime in the upcoming 2007 TransFormers movie!!!
Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ!! I was very skeptical when I saw the teaser trailer, but if they’ve got Peter Cullen I AM ON-FUCKING-BOARD, BABY!! YES!!!!
Oh, sweet god, of they get Frank Welker back as Megatron, I will shit a solid gold brick!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GOT TO WAIT A FUCKING YEAR FOR THIS MOVIE!!!! AAAAHHHRRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!! COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER EAT A PILE OF SHIT!!! OH GOD DAMN GOD DAMN GOD DAMN!!!
Click here to read more about it!
July 28th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
Batman: Ten Nights of the Beast
The story, which I unfortunately have never read, details Batman’s encounter with the one foe he could not best, the KGBeast. KGBeast has gone rogue, and is operating outside the orders of the Soviet government. Bent on murdering everyone involved with the Strategic Defense Initiative program, KGBeast targets President Ronald Reagan who is in Gotham. Batman saves the President’s life, then tracks KGBeast to their final, bloody confrontation in a sewer tunnel.
This story is noted for its realistic geo-political elements, real life leaders, and the Cold War climate. During this run of the comic, the writers aimed to make the Batman story more worldly and realistic, while at the same time re-affirming the Dark Knight’s place as Gotham’s guardian and the only man truly suited to the task. Batman of this era was written as a merciless errant knight, feared and respected by ally and enemy alike - an image of Batman that persists to this day.
Secondly, this story marked the first time in his history that Batman, who had sworn to never take a life in his quest for justice, willfully killed an opponent. KGBeast was simply too powerful for a human being to defeat, and he had made it clear that once Batman was dead he would continue his murder spree. Batman, unable to defeat him physically, traps KGBeast in an inescapable sewer cul-de-sac and leaves him there, buried alive, to die of thirst.
July 31st, 2006 at 10:55 am
I’m calling Storm OVER Wonder Woman. I’m not sure where I read it but I have the impression that when Storm uses her powers the effort comes from minimizing the effect of what she can do. In other words she is so powerful that she has to TRY to localize and minimize her efforts. The weather rules baby…Mother Nature is a bitch!
Mark
August 2nd, 2006 at 2:10 pm
GOING POSTAL
Funny story:
I finally mailed Mrs. X’s prize package today. Just as with Frog Boy’s prize, I addressed the package by her screen name. As usual, I hand the envelope over to the mail lady to be weighed. I’m using the term ‘lady’ liberally here; the only thing ladylike about this presumably female postal creature was the 4 pounds of mascara she had apparently applied via long-distance paintball gun fired by a blind epileptic. Anyway, she goes through the usual “That’ll be $2.07, and it should be there…” and then she stopped cold.
She had looked down to see the address so she could give me an estimated time of arrival, and she saw, written in bold black Sharpie, the name “Mrs. X.” Now, I’ve dealt with this chick before, sending out similar packages, and although we don’t know each other by name, it was clear she recognized me. I’m not a troublemaker. I’m a regular. And this was the very same woman who, when I last saw her, obviously felt the name ‘Frog Boy’ was totally kosher as far as Uncle Sam was concerned, because she didn’t make a peep about it. But I guess that big black X freaked her out or something, ’cause she seemed to totally forget that she’s weighed and mailed other envelopes for me that were JUST LIKE THIS ONE, and for the next five minutes I was treated to something I’ve never experienced before - a list of every post-9/11 paranoid query the USPS had to muster.
“Does this package contain any liquids? Is there anything breakable in the package; should it be labeled ‘FRAGILE’? Does the package contain anything toxic? Does the package contain any chemicals? Are there any dusts or powders contained in the package? Does the package contain any radioactive materials or biological contaminants?” It went on and on…
I was in an okay mood up to this point in my day, but trying to stifle all of the smart ass comments that popped into my head with each question forced me to stop myself from laughing out loud, so I was actually in a better mood than ever after getting hassled. I was cracking myself up. This shit just kept going through my head, and the more I tried to stop ‘em, the faster they came.
“Does this package contain any liquids?”
Do blood and semen still count as liquids after they’re mixed together and have begun to clot? Personally, I’d call it more of a gel…
“Is there anything breakable in the package?”
Depends how hard you try.
“Should it be labeled ‘FRAGILE’?”
I don’t know, what are you planning to do to it?
(alternately)
Well, anything gets fragile if it gets cold enough. You’re not planning to route this package to Lexington, KY via Neptune, are you?
“Does the package contain anything toxic?”
Most definitely. I ate a package just like this one a few weeks back and I was sick for days. I think it was all the ink and staples in the comic book. And, you know, the bubble wrap.
(alternately)
Only if you roll it up and smoke it, free bird.
“Does the package contain any chemicals?”
The package is MADE of chemicals. So is everything in it. So are you and I. And this building. Can I go now?
(alternately)
No, ma’am; this package and all its contents are made of pure, unbonded elemental atoms. Quite frankly, I’m at a loss to explain how it all stays in one piece.
“Are there any dusts or powders contained in the package?”
sniff No-ting datchu needs to know about, senora. sniff sniff
“Does the package contain any radioactive materials or biological contaminants?”
Well, I have had a bad cough lately. And I think there may be mold in my house. Also, I whacked off two or three times and I blew my load in there. So yeah, probably. I’d spray it down real good with some Lysol if I were you. Actually if I were you, I probably wouldn’t send it at all. Honestly, I can’t believe you’re touching it with your bare hands. You must be out of your mind.
(alternately)
You and all your swine-eating American friends will learn all about ‘biological contaminants’ when the plagues of Allah consume your flesh, and you watch your children die weeping! Faquah Muhammed Jihad!!
Of course, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want my little visit to the post office to take too long, and I didn’t want to have to watch from the back of a police car as a quick response hazmat team detonated Mrs. X’s package in the middle of the street in lovely downtown Newport. But all the same, until I got to work, that just made my day.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball,
Chris
August 2nd, 2006 at 3:14 pm
HAHAHAHAHA Mrs. X strikes again. That is absofuckinglutely hillarious. Now let’s see if actually makes it to my house without being blown up by some other postal employee along the way. I’ll let you know.
August 8th, 2006 at 10:30 am
Just a side note… only had a few minutes but I found out that the USPS is putting out a stamp set commemorizing some of your favorite superheroes… you can find the info here:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_on_en_ot/super_stamps
August 8th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Yeah, I saw these at the post office on the day I mailed Mrs. X’s package. They’re really cool, and I almost bought some just to have. I’m thinking about framing some. They’re a lot bigger than normal stamps so you can really see the details in the images. My hands down favorite is the Green Arrow, third column from the left, third rown down. Batman, top right corner, is looking pretty hard core, too. Check out the attention given to Supergirl, who has never really been a major player in the DC universe; there’s a relatively new Supergirl comic series which I think DC is really pushing hard right now.
The stamps are great, but personally I could’ve used less repeat appearances, and more characters. Where the fuck is Captain Marvel? Martian Manhunter? Dr. Fate? Nightwing? Phantom Stranger? The Atom? Zatanna? Firestorm? Animal Man? The Spectre? Superboy? Swamp Thing? Blue Beetle? Power Girl? Adam Strange? Black Canary? Robotman? The Question? Rocket Red? Sandman? Sgt. Rock? Jonah Hex? What we really need is a VILLAIN series. I’d love to mail in my electric bill with a Maxie Zeus stamp.
Balthazar’s link above is broken already (damn you, Yahoo!), so here’s a pic for those of you who haven’t seen these yet:
September 16th, 2006 at 6:23 am
Storm should be able to beat Wonder Woman. She has power To control Weather like Zeus, Odin or Thor which would be a major god in mythology. While wonder Woman’s power is to physical fight someone like Athena or Freyja or whoever the norse equilent is, much lesser God’s in mythology. Wonder Woman being dressed in metal would work like a lightning rod to make matters even worse. Besides she gave up a hammer like Thor’s before the battle, so she should have known what lightning can do. She must have been hit in the head with the hammer before she aquired it. Maybe Superman gave it to her after she got clobbered by it.
September 16th, 2006 at 6:39 am
Namor vs. Aquaman. This was a joke. Namor has went toe to toe with Hercules and has even beaten the Hulk twice. Beating Aquaman should have been easy. Namor is stronger than a whale, Aquaman would get eaten by a shark. Go back and read the old Aquaman comics. Namor has taken on the Fantastic Four before. Anyone of which could clobber Aquaman. While Aquaman needed the help of Mera and Aqualad to beat a not so Fantastic 3. The fisher man a guy with a fishing pole, not exactly mr. Fantastic in the brain departments. A guy who is only invisble under water and has no force field power not a substitue for the Invisible Woman. Third a woman with flaming hair, but couldn’t fly etc. not exactly the Human Torch. Then Namor also took on the Thing, who alone would pulverize Aquaman.
September 18th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
Robert - thanks for visiting the site, chief! Beating Aquaman should be easy?! Dude, you have got to be out of your mind! I’ll give you the Wonder Woman vs Storm thing because, like I said, I just don’t know enough about Storm. But Namor? Come on, that guy’s a waste of ink.
First of all, just because Namor beat the Hulk doesn’t mean he’s as strong as the Hulk. Spider-man has beaten the Hulk, and there’s no way Spidey is as strong as the Hulk. Wolverine has beaten the Hulk, and he’s not much stronger than a normal human as I understand it. Marvel fans love to say how big and bad-ass the Hulk is, but everyone in the Marvel universe has kicked Hulk’s ass at some point. I don’t think this is a flaw with the Hulk, mind you, its just poor writing. You know your writers just don’t have any story to tell when every single hero in your universe has to go beat up on the toughest guy just to prove they can. I call it the “punching Superman syndrome.” I’m not saying Namor’s not tough, I’m just saying that kicking the Hulk’s ass is clearly not as tough as its made out to be, because it seems to be a fairly regular pasttime for pretty much anyone in the Marvel universe with a couple of hours to kill.
Secondly, Aquaman is not just some guy from across the street who happens to be able to breathe underwater. He’s the King of Atlantis, and he’s incredibly powerful physically. To not only withstand the crushing pressure at the ocean floor, but to actually thrive there, both he and Namor would have to be.
Aquaman would never be eaten by a shark, because the shark would not eat the king of the ocean. Its just not done. And if it tried, Aquaman would explain to the the shark what a really bad idea it was. And if the shark didn’t listen, he’d kill it without mercy or hesitation. He’s not like Batman or Superman; if a sea creature gets out of hand and fails to listen to reason, he will put them down.
If you seriously think any one of the Fantastic Four could take on Aquaman, then you are fucking high, and you better puff-puff-give, Smokey, ’cause you fuckin’ up the rotation. What the fuck is Sue Storm going to do to Aquaman? In case you didn’t read the whole article, he can give people seizures. SEIZURES, dude. If they caught Aquaman in a bad mood, here’s how each of these battles would go:
Invisible Woman: “You can’t fight what you can’t se–urk!” Sue Storm starts flopping around on the ground choking on her own tongue because she’s having a fucking SEIZURE.
The Thing: “It’s clobberin’ ti–urk!” The Thing starts flopping around on the ground, smashing holes in the pavement and choking on his own tongue because he’s having a fucking SEIZURE.
Human Torch: “Flame o–urk!” Torch crashes into the pavement below, melting a strip of asphalt and tar just before he starts flopping around on the ground choking on his own tongue because he’s having a fucking SEIZURE.
Mr. Fantastic: “Hey, look at me! I can stretch and talk all sciencey–urk!” Reed starts flopping around on the ground choking on his own tongue because he’s having a fucking SEIZURE.
Robert, there’s just no way, man. Aquaman has it all over these guys, and all over Namor, too. He has the F4 beat in the movie department because he doesn’t have a movie, and these days that’s a much more impressive accomplishment than the piece of shit Fantastic Four movie I was forced to endure. As far as Namor is concerned, he’s never been anything more than a pale imitation of Aquaman. You seem like a reasonably intelligent guy; surely you can see that. He’s a wannabe. A poser. He’s what Marvel had to have because they coudn’t have Aquaman.
February 21st, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Shenzontradow: ‘Down with your zon!!
February 21st, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Yeah, fuck the zon!! De maan rulez #1!
March 16th, 2007 at 9:45 am
I am going to kill you with my rain says storm
I am going to kill you with my rope says wonderwoman
I am going to kill you with a spider web says spiderman
I am going to kill you with my telekenisis whatever says superboy
March 16th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Okey dokey, artichokey.
March 21st, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Ok, i understand about the whole Superman v/s Hulk issue and the problems people have with it but i followed The Hulk comics for quite a while.
The Hulk, The Incredible Hulk, Mr. Fixit, and The New Bruce Banner (which is what he went by when joining The Pantheon for a little while).
SO, here is the skinny… The Hulk was a big ferocious monster, a killing machine, not only did he have all the powers and abilities that everyone knows about but the one thing everyone keeps forgetting… if you piss him off, he gets worse. The more angry he gets, the bigger and stronger he gets, his Strength, his Size, weight, everything is directly proportianate to his fury.
Mr. Fixit, was a smaller more intelligent incarnation of The Hulk, after he was drenched in radioactive chemicals, a side effect of which was that if he stayed out of direct sunlight, he could resist changing back into Banner. Mr. Fixit called himself that due to his career choice of becomeing a Mob Enforcer, if you had a problem, he would Fixit. Mr. Fixit also had this fury powered strength, but to a slightly lesser degree, and the easiest way to piss him the fuck off was to compare him to the big green lummox. Mr Fixit was the first attempt at making a smart version of The Hulk.
Thanks to some extreme Psychotherapy and the tear down of some mental barriers, The Hulk and Mr. Fixit got into an all out, knock down, beat the holy livin’ fuck out of the other guy fight inside of Bruce Banner’s head.
Banner suddely went from the meek, shy, woe is me little pansy-ass he has been for all these years and took charge of his inner demons, proving that inside his mind, Bruce was the most powerful force.
This little happenstance allowed all 3 alternate personalities to merge into one, The New Bruce Banner, Banner’s brains, Hulk’s Strength and abilities, and the smart-ass who gives a flying fuck attitude of Mr. Fixit.
For Cryin’ out loud, the first thing he did after this transformation was go home and show Betty that, yes dear, Heaven IS green. Then he went out drinking with his doctor and got into a fight, where he was actually being a smart-ass and making jokes. Then he deliberately let himself be captured, faked being knocked-out and when he got wherever they were taking him… commenced to open a major can of whoop-ass.
This New Bruce Banner was the one that fought Superman, not the original Hulk. I think Superman still deserves the victory, but the New Bruce should have lasted longer in the fight. The Hulk isn’t a wrecking-ball anymore, he is, for lack of a better term, more of a Sergical Sledge Hammer.
Just my 2 cents, ok i may have ranted a bit, so 3 cents
T
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:45 pm
I ♥ PURPLE MERMAID TITS I ♥ PURPLE MERMAID TITS I ♥ PURPLE MERMAID TITS
March 23rd, 2007 at 5:09 pm
I love ‘em, too, Thom. There’s just something so sexy about a purple nurple…
Thanks for the clarification on the Hulk issue. Until I watched the special features on the movie earlier this month, I never really understood that he kept changing size and strength when he got more and more enraged. I thought it was like the old TV show; the Hulk had a set form that he turned into when he got pissed, and that was it. I’ve heard that his strength changes when he gets angrier, but I never knew that he grew as well. That’s interesting.
I also didn’t know about this Mr. Fixit guy. I thought it was just Bruce Banner and the Hulk was basically a more apeman-like version of Bruce Banner. Didn’t realize these were actually separate personalities in the clinical sense.
As far as the Hulk lasting longer in a fight, you’ll get no arguments here. The fight was so short that there was no sense of danger or accomplishment. I think this fight should have had an issue all to itself. If he’s really as powerful as you say, then when the Hulk really opened up, he should have given Supes a beating comparable to the one Doomsday gave him. Well, maybe not that bad, but you know what I’m saying. A story is always better when the hero really has to bust his ass to achieve something. These guys should have leveled cities and mountain ranges, and they BOTH should have come out of the other end of this fight bruised, bloody, and barely alive. And while I still think that Superman’s flight and heat vision would have placed him out of Hulk’s league in a fight, I’d pay good money to see this written and drawn the way it should have been. This should have been an epic battle. It was not given the time nor attention that it deserved.
March 26th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
You can read the condensed version of events of the life of The Hulk here
http://www.marvel.com/universe/Hulk_%28Bruce_Banner%29 at the Marvel Website.
This explains all about his personalities and his therapy, but leaves out some of the more interesting things the comics had in them.
April 2nd, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Upon doing some more research, i found out that in one of The Hulk issues they managed to determine that The Hulk constantly emits low levels of Gamma Radiation out to about 30 feet.
The thing I now have to ask myself is, IS this the same radiation that Kryptonite produces?
This is going to sound REALLY BIZAARE
Given the laws of Physics in the typical comic book universes, Marvel and DC, there are only a few forms of radiation that are not instantly lethal to the masses.
If Kryptonite produces the DC version of Gamma Radiation, or if as we have been led to believe, Superman would be able to absorb the Gamma the way he does Sunlight, then this adds a WHOLE NEW kettle of 3 eyed fish into the mix.
There are 3 overall possibilities:
1) Gamma Radiation does nothing to Superman, just like Microwaves, or EMP. In which case the fight should have lasted longer with a bit more collateral damage to the environment. (they were smart to puth them in the desert in the middle of west BFE.
2) Gamma Radiation makes Supes stronger and faster, which in my mind would force him to hold back, he would not understand why he was so much better now and thus would overcompensate allowing the fight to go on a lot longer than it did.
3) Gamma is the same as Kryptonite, in which case after the first few minutes Supes would have been stomped into the ground but the ORIGINAL Hulk, but the new The Hulk would not have taken advantage of his weakened opponent and thus would have either conceded the fight, or hurt Supes just enough to get it overwith and call it a day.
I hate to ramble on and on and on and………. about this, but i need something to occupy my brain at this trained monkey job that i have.
T
April 2nd, 2007 at 6:03 pm
I’m with ya on the mind numbing job, chief. No explanations necessary. And never hesitate to speak your mind on our site, no matter how much you have to type. I am the LAST person on Earth who can criticize someone for a lengthy posting. And I’m going to prove it to you right now…
I’m a bit of a physics geek, so I can help you out with this one. Gamma radiation is not a comic book creation, its a very real thing, and its one of the most damaging kinds of radiation known to man.
Basically, there are two kinds of radiation we encounter on Earth with any regularity: particle and electromagnetic. Both kinds are lethal in significant doses, and both kinds are naturally occurring. We absorb some of both every day. Particle radiation, commonly known as nuclear radiation, is made of of little pieces of atoms which get into everything and play merry hell with the physics and chemistry of your body. This is the kind of radiation that you get from fallout. Particle radiation is so dangerous because it doesn’t stay where you put it, and it stays lethal for a long, long time. When Chernobyl melted down, the firefighters on the scene had no radioactive materials training, and unknowingly released a bunch of radioactive carbon into the air, which covered the town of Pripyat. Pripyat will not be safe for human habitation for another 900 years. Particle radiation sticks around.
Electromagnetic radiation, on the other hand, is essentially light. Its only dangerous for as long as you’re exposed to it. Some electromagnetic radiation we can see as visible light, but most of it we can’t. Most of the electromagnetic radiation we get comes to us via the sun and all of our electronics, which beam all kinds of invisible rays through us whenever they are powered on. Most of the really horrible stuff the sun throws at us - and it throws a lot - bounces off the atmosphere and the magnetosphere, otherwise life as we know it would not be possible on this planet. If it weren’t for the atmosphere and magnetosphere keeping all that crap out, the Earth would probably be a lot like the Moon.
Gamma rays are electromagnetic radiation. If you click the pic to enlarge it, you’ll see a lambda, this little Greek letter here: λ, which is the scientific shorthand for wavelength. Gamma rays are denoted by a gamma, appropriately enough. Its this letter: γ, over on the left, on the highest frequency, shortest wavelength end of the electromagnetic spectrum. That means gamma rays contain a lot of energy, and more energy means more damage.
Let’s talk nukes. A nuclear weapon throws out all kinds of both types of radiation, but besides the shockwave of the initial explosion, gamma rays are by far the most dangerous thing that comes out of a nuke. That’s because they penetrate like an x-ray, and they carry vast amounts of energy. They cause thermal burns on the skin, but they’re not stopped by the skin, so they can burn your insides as well, straight through like a microwave. They can burn you through the walls of your home. They can alter your DNA by interfering with the nuclei of your cells, which can not only give you cancer, but can permanently damage your DNA so its possible to pass the damaged, cancer causing and/or birth defect inducing genes on to your kids. Over a period of time, exposure can lead to leukemia, lung cancer, liver cancer, bone cancer, you name it, and they also surpress your immune system, so if the radiation burns don’t kill you, the infections you get because of them probably will. Gamma rays are nasty shit.
Its been shown that human cells heal from gamma irradiation much more quickly if the dosage is higher, which makes something like what happened to the Hulk a little more plausible by the standards of comic book science. Of course, that’s only to a certain degree; in the real world too much gamma will just flat out kill you. If the Hulk is emitting gamma rays, which are very penetrative, but they’re only measurable up to 30 feet away, then they’ve got to be extraordinarily weak to begin with. Maybe people like Betty who are in very close proximity to him on a regular basis have some potential long term worries, but I can’t imagine this being too much of an issue. It sounds more like yet another weaknesses for the big guy; steady, low-level gamma radiation has got to be pretty unusual, and it sounds like it would be an excellent way for the Hulk’s enemies to track him or be warned of his presence. That dude just can’t catch a break.
DC has also done a lot of comic book science, and there are a few things we know about kryptonite which leads me to believe that its major radiation, at least the one that hurts Superman, is definitely not gamma rays. If Superman was killed by gamma rays, I think he’d have been dead a long time ago.
We all get some gamma irradiation from the sun every day, and if that wasn’t enough to kill him, the constant exposure would certainly put him in unending misery and weakness. Supes has been in space many times, without the benefit of a spacesuit or the shielding effects of the atmosphere and magnetosphere; if gamma rays were what hurt him, then the gamma radiation pouring out of the sun would have burned him alive.
Even worse for him would be gamma-ray bursts (GRBs) and terrestrial gamma-ray flashes (TGFs). About once every day, some galaxy or star somewhere blows its lid and bathes the universe with a huge burst of gamma radiation. These bursts are VERY powerful; even the faintest GRBs are visible at a distance over a billion light-years. The gamma rays that make it down to us are no big deal for humans to ignore, but then again, neither is kryptonite. But I’d bet if his weakness really was gamma radiation, those GRBs would probably knock someone as sensitive as Superman is to kryptonite on his ass. Terrestrial gamma-ray flashes (TGFs) are bursts of gamma rays generated in the earth’s atmosphere, which would be even more damaging to him due to their proximity. They are caused by electric fields produced above thunderstorms, and Kansas is prime tornado country. The likelihood of him being exposed to TGFs while growing up in Smallville seems pretty likely. I don’t think he would have made it to adulthood if gamma rays were what hurt him.
I’m just putting this here because it looks cool.
April 4th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Chris, I stumbled across your article when looking for por… er, artistic pictures of feminine super heroines… 2 FUCKING HOURS AGO! Now, before you paste me with the moniker of Super Slow Reading Boy, it took a full 2 hours (and 12 minutes) to read this because, well, this was just simply the one of the most entertaining reviews I’ve read in a very long time!
I wasn’t fortunate enough to actually have read any of these series, but your hilarious color commentary on each one, and then your equally witty replies throught the comments made this a very well spent 2 hours!
Combine that with your very complete description of each hero, their origins and capabilities, and I’ll be damned if this wasn’t also educational!
So… simply: Thank you.
April 6th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Steamroller, thank you. You know, I can take anyone calling me an idiot, or disagreeing with me, or pointing out my ignorance on a subject, and I can take it well. I have a thick skin. But what is hardest to take is indifference. Apathy toward someone’s work will absolutely kill the desire to create faster than anything I can imagine.
Occasionally, I get to wondering if there’s anyone out there who appreciates what I’m doing here, or is even reading it. Its hard to find the drive to write in depth articles when you get the sense that no one’s interested. That’s why people like yourself and Thommy2K7 make this all worthwhile. I’m an engine when it comes to churning out words and thoughts and, if I’m lucky, maybe a few chuckles here and there. But the machine doesn’t run on its own. You guys interact, you read and respond. And that’s my fuel, bro.
So thank you. Thank you for letting me know you’re out there. Thank you for reading my stuff, even though I tend to write at length. Thank you for being interested, and for being positive. Thanks to Thommy2K7 for being interested in the pseudo-science of comics and being willing to share his thoughts and theories. Thanks to Anniina, and Selzo Fa, Runegirl, and Rich, and the shitload of other people like all of you whom I’ve never even met, for the encouragement of just showing up once in a while and dropping a line. Thank all of you very, very sincerely for pumping some fuel my way and not letting the engine get rusty.
You guys rule. And because I love ya so damn much, here’s some more por… er, artistic pictures of feminine super heroines. And don’t be afraid to click the girls; they’re obviously not shy, so why should you be?
April 7th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
LOL, no problem, bro, and thanks for the pics! After I wrote that reply to you, I continued reading other articles… your review on the movie Ghost Rider was interesting, in that I had the same expectations when before I saw it, but ended up finding it mindless fun, and there’s nuthin’ wrong with mindless fun every now and again!
I can appreciate what you said about indifference. Even when someone disagrees with you, that still means they’ve taken some time to actually read what you’ve put your time and thoughts into. At least disagreeing is a response! And honestly, when you put any amount time and energy and heart into almost anything you do, it’s nice to get even the smallest amount of recognition. I’m not saying that getting recognition is what drives us to do things like this, but nobody I ever knew thought it was a bad thing, even in small doses!
It’s like window shopping at an art gallery… people just stop by, look, and move on. But when they actually go into the gallery and want to know more about the pieces, and look around and ask questions… even without a direct compliment, that’s still recognition, and that just makes you feel good!
Now… I’m off to research super hero origins. After reading about some of the others, I’m interested in finding out more, and after seeing your pictures of She Hulk, for the life of me, I can’t remember how she even came into being… and Lady Death… what’s her story?
Thanks again!
Your personal gas can…. Steamroller!
April 8th, 2007 at 12:32 am
dont be quick to make storm the looser, storm may seem to be only human, but shes not. storms power are limited only by her will power, put her in a life or death situation i bet there will be a boost in will power. plus if she were to die she would most likely turn into an elemental being. fact: shes considered an omega, you remember pheonix. diana cant take all that storm dishes out.
April 9th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Steam: If you find out anything interesting about Lady Death, please come back and let me know. Besides the fact that she has a lingerie book and a glow-in-the-dark action figure, both of which I am lucky enough to own, I don’t know anything about her at all.
Storm: I don’t know what an omega is. Is that Marvel’s term for a reality-warper? I know that The Scarlet Witch and Reed Richard’s son are supposed to be reality-warpers, but I’ve never heard that about Storm. How did she get so powerful?
April 12th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Lady Death: Hell’s favourite albino war maiden
Found a great resource here:
http://www.comicvine.com/lady-death/1847/
Apparently there are actually two different Lady Death’s, the “classic” Lady Death, and Medieval Lady Death.
Origin
Lady Death was born in medieval Europe, daughter of nobleman and prominent church figure, Matthias.
Hated by his people, Matthias secretly studied demonology and witchcraft. Eventually, when the peasants attempted to overthrow him, he escaped with the aid of a demon but his secret was revealed. Persecuted for her fathers crimes, Hope was nearly burned at the stake and left with only one option - using her father’s incantation, she swore an allegiance to Hell and was “saved”.
Once in Hell, she was befriended by the weapon master, Cremator, who helps her become the warrior known as Lady Death.
Publishers
Brian Pulido’s character was originally published by Eternity Comics in Evil Ernie’s first comic series (1991). When Chaos Comics formed, she was given her own series in the Chaos universe alongside figures such as Purgatori and Chastity. These key titles essentially defined the publisher’s style and created a sensation. Unfortunately, despite their popularity, Chaos Comics went bankrupt and were forced to sell their properties.
(As a side note, the animated feature film from ADV was already in production at this point.)
Lady Death was sold to Crossgen; but a mere two years later they also filed for bankruptcy and she was sold on to Avatar Press, where she still appears in her own monthly comic.
Medieval Lady Death
When Crossgen acquired the license for Lady Death, they naturally could not set her in the Chaos Comics universe that she had been used to. Their solution was to recreate the character. Confusingly, Avatar now publish two versions of the character - the “classic” Lady Death… and Medieval Lady Death (which more or less carries on from the Crossgen editions).
And of course, Wiki has some great info as well:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Death
April 12th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Hmmm…. left a comment, but isn’t showing up. If this turns out to be a dupe, just delete
One good source here:
http://www.comicvine.com/lady-death/1847/
Wiki source here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Death
Awesome gallery here:
http://www.comicvine.com/lady-death/1847/costumes/
April 12th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Sorry about that, Steam. In order to cut down on the ridiculous amount of spam we get, I’ve got the sites filters set to place any comment with more than 2 links on hold until either myself or Q goes in and checks it out. Just now saw these. Sorry for the delay, and thanks for posting the links. I’ll check them out as soon as I get a chance.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
LOL, ok, but would you mind deleting a couple… multiple posts make me look either obsessive or schizo, or a combination of the two, and I’m developing a complex… and this twitch isn’t helping either….
I just put a Post-It note on my monitor: Click “Submit Comment” button ONE TIME ONLY!!!
Huh? What? Who said that?!?
psssst… do you hear those voices too?
April 13th, 2007 at 11:26 am
No problemo. Now go take your medicine.
April 23rd, 2007 at 11:35 pm
no, marvels term for omega is, mutant of the greatest power, the ultimate. kinda the last evolutionary stage they’ll go through, storm is considered an omega and was compared to the pheonix, now out of all other mutants they picked storm thats sayin sumthin.
May 5th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Well. That was the most AWESOME thing i’ve seen on the internet. EVER. Those super heroine pictures you posted were hot. Except for the Batwoman ones. Nope.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
You know, over the past year, ‘DC vs. Marvel’ has become the most popular article on the whole site. Let me just take a quick poll here to test the waters: is there any interest in me reviewing the Amalgam Comics, or would you guys rather I reviewed more cross-universal superhero battles? I could do either, and, truth be told, I’ve always intended to do both, but I couldn’t tell where the interest lies with you guys out there in Internet Cyberville. So I’ll let you guys decided. Leave your comments and let me know. Which will it be, Amalgam or Versus?
May 11th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
As a long time resident of Internet Cyberville, I can honestly say that any review you do, if it were of the caliber of this review and provided the same entertainment value (educational, critical, honest, funny), I don’t think we’d really care which one you did! Of course, the supporting material (read: pictures) also help!
For me, your review(s) rejuvenated my interest in comics, some specific characters more than others, and garnered you a life-long fan of your site at the same time. I spent endless hours reading pretty much every review done by all of you guys, but (and you can shove this directly in the face of your nearest sidekick) always find your reviews and comments to be the most informative and entertaining, bar none. If that’s not the most kiss ass comment you ever get, I don’t know what is. Not that the others are bad, necessarily, yours are just… mo’ bettah!
So review whatever the hell you want, complete with supporting material, and your website hit count will continue to rise!
Steam
May 14th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Wow. Quick, everybody - guess who my favorite reader is.
Steam, I don’t know what to say, man. Deeply sincere thanks. I’ll get right on that new comic article, ASAP. And believe you me, sir, I will NEVER let the other guys forget that the readers say they are my sidekicks. Good god, I can’t wait to tell them…
May 18th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Thommy2K7 made a good point over on Part One of this article: I didn't make it easy to get back to from here. Sorry, gang, it never occurred to me. Here's a link to Part One as well as a few other handy-dandy links to help you navigate the multi-parted goodies from The Sci-Fi Guys.
IT’S ON! Chris versus “DC versus Marvel” - Part One!
With the onslaught of comic book movies coming this summer, it seems that once again, DC and Marvel Comics are battling for your love. So who’s better? Which comic company rocks the other’s casbah, whether the sharif likes it or not?
WHO WILL WIN? YOU DECIDE!
Vote early, vote often, vote HERE!
Read the rest of this entry »
Chris versus “Marvel versus DC” - Part Two!
Read the rest of this entry »
Chris reviews The Transformers: The Movie, Part I
Read the rest of this entry »
Chris reviews The Transformers: The Movie, Part II
Read the rest of this entry »
Chris reviews The Transformers: The Movie, Part III
Read the rest of this entry »
Chris reviews the Crayola Crayon Maker
“Name That Crayon” contest winners!
Read the rest of this entry »
June 28th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Wow, this is a very interesting review… Its really good stuff man!!! I mean just look at how long people have been reading and replying. Chris we share more than just a name man… we are minds of the same mold. The only thing i see differently is, well… I think Hulk could beat Superman. I know I know… hang me from the gallows by a materialized version of my marvel fanboyness but seriously… considering EVERYTHING and all their powers… Hulk can definantly hang with the S-man [ and possibly hang him XD... I know, bad pun]. On a nicer note… Thank you for all the Lady Death stuff [you too Steam] I’m loving all of it. Quality por… er, artistic pictures of a feminine superhero. Keep writing reviews no matter what they are and I’ll be here from now on! I’m sorry for my abuse of elipses… but I’m not sorry for buying the overpriced delux edition of Ghost Rider. Then again I dont think you can put a price on Eva Mendes wearing her freak ‘em dress… or the fact that apparently she forgot that shirts button all the way up, not just the fourth button down….
Chris aka The Force
July 1st, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Clusterfuckers lol i love your view on some of this stuff! Superman > All lol!
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:48 am
Thanks, 007. I just moved this weekend, so I’ve unearthed a ton of old comics I forgot I owned. Well, not literally a ton. I weighed them, and it actually comes to approximately 3.7 metric shitloads. But that’s still a lot of comics. Hopefully I’ll have a new comics article for you guys before too long.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
while i agree with the post which is sad since i am a huge storm fan ( lol storm is way hotter than wonder woman man) wonder womans divinie gifts (and im not just talking bout those curves and lips) may have given her the upper hand in the battle had it not been for the additional add on of the powers of thor wonder woman got from his hammer . She had just gotten the power and it had proved to have gone to her head as well as being new with the weather powers she was ovewhelmed ( pretty weak writing on their part i was extremly dissappoinnted) thats how storm beat her. wonder woman isnt invulnerable ( guess it depends on the writer) she is how ever near invulnerable ( if she was invulnerable she wouldnt need the power to heal) and i think her healing takes more time than wolverines as she has to get a connection with gaea in order to heal so if storm continued an extra focused lighting bolt on wonder woman she would have gone down with all those factors (although they could have did it in many other ways, such as a electromagnetic pulse that would knock wonder woman unconcious like storm did to thor or any of the other number of ways). but im glad to see an appreciation for storms hotness
July 9th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Thanks for stopping by, chief. I always appreciate hotness. Click the pic above to head over to Retro Junk and check out Knites’s excellent Swimsuit Spectacular, an ode to the sexiest, steamiest, most beautiful scantily clad women who never existed. Then head back here to get some more Storm.
July 12th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
JLA would win no problem! there is no comparison! Even if it was Superman and Martian man hunter vs all of marvel JLA would still win! lol Even if it was Flash vs all of marvel Flash could just just tap in to the speed forse …go back in time and kill all of the marvel characters parents or creators! JLA wins!
July 16th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
You tell ‘em, FTW. I’m with you on this all the way.
August 19th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Thx. I still dont understand how anyone who knows there superheroes at all would ever say tht marvel would win! JLA is amazing!
Chris check out my site…the picture is amazing!
August 20th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
JLA FTW, I can’t get to your pic. I’m at work and your site is blocked for some reason. I’ll check it out as soon as I get to a censor-free line.
August 26th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Ok. thats fine.
But Chris, who do you think would win a battle : Superman or Martian Man Hunter. Not that they would ever fight each other.
All three of my posts have different sites by the way.
September 20th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Anybody else notice that our search engine sucks balls?
I wanted to get some info on Mouser’s previous Blackberry Smoke review, so I searched for “Mouser” and came up with nothing. He’s posted plenty of stuff, so I know for a fact he should show up in a search. So I tried searching on a few of our other loyal posters: T2K7, Adam Bailey, Szélső Fa, Steamroller, JLA FTW, meepy… NOBODY’S SHOWING UP. The search engine sucks. Its only checking the weblog archives, not the comments. God knows what else its missing.
Fuck that search engine. I wrote us a new one. If you want to find something on the site, try this one instead. Its powered by Google and a lot more reliable. And I made it easy to read because I’m old and going blind.
September 20th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
JLA FTW - Gonna have to go with Supes on this one. I know, I know; somewhere in one of the comics Superman made some reference to the fact that Martian Manhunter was the most able hero, or something to that effect. But I honestly think that once Superman really decided to take him down, he could do it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I gotta think Big Blue could take him out.
September 21st, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Chris- i agree 100% because martian man hunter’s weakness is fire, so supes could just heat vision him to death. Even though martian could go invisible i still think tht supes would win!
September 21st, 2007 at 8:18 pm
Oh shit, that's right! For some reason I always forget that Martians are vulnerable to fire. That's how Batman finally beat the Hyperclan in "New World Order," which has got to be the coolest JLA story I've ever read. As a matter of fact, my inability to remember Martians' vulnerability to fire is probably why I enjoyed that story so much. I just didn't see the ending coming.
Now that you've reminded me of this, I'd say that Superman would win hands down. Excellent call. There's no way with his combination of super-hearing and heat vision that Supes couldn't locate and eventually destroy Martian Manhunter. He'd probably put up a good fight, but in the end I'd think a Kryptonian is the more powerful of the two aliens.
That being said, I'd like to make it clear that I think J'onn J'onzz/Martian Manhunter is one hell of a character, and I don't think he gets nearly the attention he deserves. He's the natural leader of the JLA. Batman himself said no one else understood team dynamics better than Martian Manhunter does. As a telepath, he is unparalleled at team coordination. And his shapeshifting power makes him exceptionally formidable. Watch as he takes down Ultraman, Superman's evil twin from a Mirror Universe, by pouring himself into Ultraman's pores and fucking with his central nervous system. Martian Manhunter is definitely not to be toyed with.
If you read
SpanishPortuguese and would like to see Bats school some Martians, click the pic below for an excerpt from "New World Order."October 2nd, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Yeah. I agree that martian doesn’t get enough attetion. He barley even fights in the shows…He just stays at the watchtower most of the time. But all of JLA is amazing!
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:59 pm
With rumors about a JLA movie going around, I’m curious how he’d be portrayed on the big screen, or if he’d be written out in favor of better known characters. If they really wanted to do a JLA movie right, they’d make it all about Martian Manhunter and Hawkman. I know that sounds weird, but Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman could all carry a movie or television series on their own merit and longstanding popularity. Probably GL, Green Arrow, and Flash, too, if written correctly. But Hawkman and Martian Manhunter are lesser known. They need to be introduced in a very big way.
If they’re gonna have all these heroes share screen time, they need to spend the entire mo