It had a lot to live up to, and a lot of people were just dying for it to fail. The verdict? Its good. It’s real good. Although it did have its flaws, I was not disappointed.

Click the pic to read the love. Then scroll down to read the hate.

Alright, this may seem a little harsh, but I want to declare right now that whomever has been writing bad stuff about this movie is just a fucking asshole, and probably needs to be beaten to death with a rusty, tetanus infected sewer pipe. Seriously, I only read reviews of movies AFTER I see them, because I don’t like spoilers, and I like to go into a movie with only MY thoughts and expectations. Yeah, the Sci-Fi Guys is something that is first and foremost supposed to be fun, and I’m not getting paid to do it, so why should I take myself so seriously? But if I’m going to tell people what I think about a movie, I at least want to feel that I am giving them my own thoughts, and not just regurgitating something I read before I even saw the flick. I appreciate anyone who decides to spend part of their time enjoying The Sci-Fi Guys, whether it be on TV or here on the website. And I don’t bullshit people I appreciate.

But some of the reviews I’m reading today I honestly believe were written by people who didn’t even watch this movie. I’m no journalist, I’m no grand holy font of truth and wisdom. I’m just a guy who likes sci-fi enough to make a TV show and a web site for others like myself. But Jesus fucking Christ, at least I do my best to be accurate. Sure, I exaggerate and make frequent use of ridiculous metaphor and over-the-top hyperbole, but I’m hoping I’m obvious enough that my readers KNOW when I’m full of shit. I’m doing it to get a laugh. But these reviews I’ve been reading, reviews from fucking legitimate newspapers and news organizations - GOD DAMN! I could have only watched the fucking TRAILER for this movie and got more things right.

First off, in my rush to enjoy this movie, I completely forgot that it was a sequel. Where Batman Begins restarted the Batman franchise, Superman Returns picked up where Superman II left off. Director Bryan Singer wisely decided to make a GOOD sequel to Superman II, and just ignore parts III and IV. Thank you, Bryan. I forgot to rewatch Superman and Superman II before I saw this, but its no problem. This movie would make complete sense even if you’d never even heard of Superman. Its very well written; it HAD to be in order to mesh so seamlessly with Superman II, which came out 26 years ago.

Secondly, lets get the whole gay thing out of the way. Bryan Singer, the director of Superman Returns, X-Men, X-Men 2, and The Usual Suspects, is openly gay. So naturally someone decided it would be awesome to start a rumor that Superman was gonna be gay. Normally, internet rumors are pretty laughable to me, because they’re usually just so fucking DUMB. But I’ve gotten so sick of hearing about this, because it the Superman FANS who are spreading it. Honestly, a HUGE part of the Superman story is his deep love for Lois Lane. His love for her, as well as his love for his human parents, is what grounds him and helps keep him humane when he is so godlike. Superman is forced to be more human by his relationship with Lois - mentally, physically, and emotionally. It is his love for her that lets him see the world through a more human perspective on a daily basis. Besides, anyone who’s seen The Usual Suspects knows there’s nothing at all feminine or gentle about the stories Bryan Singer tells. He may be gay, but judging by his movies, he’s about 408 times more manly than I am… I gotta start working out. Superman’s heterosexuality is an intrinsic, vital part of his story, and I never, for one instant, imagined that a masterful storyteller like Bryan Singer would fuck with that very necessary piece of his character. Never. And, man, was I right.

In a big way, Bryan Singer has made Superman’s heterosexuality even more important to his story. DC Comics has published some fairly mature material, and they probably should have taken the plunge and focused on the sexuality of superbeings a long time ago. How does someone with the strength to lift mountains have sex with a human without killing her? Maybe the books have explored this and I just don’t know about it, but Bryan Singer went ahead and, in a very adult manner, told a story about the consequences of superhero sex. And damn, I did NOT see this one coming.

Here’s something I’ve never written before: the credits in this movie were fucking ASTOUNDING. I’m not kidding, I would pay for another ticket just to watch these credits again. We get to hitch a ride on Kal-El’s birthing matrix spacecraft as it makes its way from a destroyed Krypton to Smallville, Kansas. And the music? John Williams incredible, original Superman theme. Williams gets a lot of attention, and rightly so, for his Star Wars and Indiana Jones themes. But personally I find the Superman theme to be far more impressive, stirring, and all around moving than anything you’ll hear in either of those two series, including the Duel of Fates and the Imperial March. Don’t get me wrong, those are incredible, but the Superman theme is better. Better by a mile.

I’m not exaggerating at all when I tell you I had goose bumps all the way through these credits. Thirty seconds into the damn movie and I was already in love with it. Speaking of love, I think the Superman love theme is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I’ve ever heard, in a movie or otherwise. We get to hear it in this movie, WITHOUT crazy-ass Margot Kidder reading a damn poem all over it. Sweet.

You know, if I wasn’t so insecure in my manhood, and I wasn’t so afraid of spending time in jail, I’d find John Williams and kiss him right on the mouth for writing this music. It’s just so god damn good. I’m not sure why his credit was flashed up and gotten rid of as quickly as it was, but the credits just list him as the writer of the Superman theme. Whatever; they used a LOT more of his music than just the main theme. John Williams deserves a lot of credit for this movie’s musical kick-assedness. As much as I liked so many things about this movie, I think the music was the best of all. Its just… aw, fuck it, everyone else has been doing it. Its my turn. This music is fucking SUPER.

The movie wasn’t perfect, though.

I love comics. Never liked them much as a kid, strangely enough, but as an adult, I think they’re fun as hell. So there are certain things in every comic book movie that I have to accept as being different from the comics because of the needs of the movie format. I have no problem with that. One thing, however, that I cannot accept in this or any other movie, is the need for a mature, adult lead character to look like a 15 year old.

Kate Bosworth is good in this movie. I just erased a whole bunch of good things I wrote about here because they all boiled down to this: without speaking, she made me honest to god feel the hurt of seeing someone deeply loved that she thought was long lost, and now believes its too late to get back. She conveyed deep longing, incredible pain, mournful regret, and absolute adoration, and she did it with one look in the span of about 3 seconds. I can say nothing bad about her acting. She is beautiful and talented, and I would totally do her if Orlando would stop hanging around us all the time when we’re trying to sneak in some “us time” and get it on. But she just looks too young for this role.

Lois Lane was an army brat, has a ton of life experience under her belt, has a longstanding career as an award winning journalist, and, in this movie, is a single mother. No one who has had time for all those things should look like a fucking high school sophomore. I think there is a pretty fucked up trend where women are expected to look younger and younger, and its starting to reach the point where casting decisions make absolutely no sense. They hired an actress to play Lois Lane who was born three years AFTER Superman II premiered, and she doesn’t even look THAT old. What the fuck is going on in Hollywood? Have the pedophiles who run MTV finally taken over the whole entertainment industry? People with thirty years of life experience should not look fifteen. Pay attention, Warner Brothers: casting needs to make some kind of visual sense. Would you hire a 450 pound black woman to play Ebenezer Scrooge? Would you hire Emmanuel Lewis to play the Predator? No. Visually, its fucked up. Again, I thought Kate Bosworth’s acting was impeccable, but she looks like a kid. Lois Lane needs to look like a woman.

There was also a very real lack of danger. I just never felt like Superman was threatened enough…

You know, I was going to write more, but just trust me, Superman Returns is good. Its not the best movie ever made, but it beats the hell out of anything I’ve seen lately. 8.5 out of 10. And now, for your amusement, I will be hatefully abusive to critics who disagree with me.

“This is a glum, lackluster movie in which even the big effects sequences seem dutiful instead of exhilarating.”
- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

This from the bastard that told the world how INCREDIBLE the Matrix sequels were. The same fucking guy who gave The Matrix: Reloaded three and a half stars and actually compared it to Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. No wonder Siskel hated you so much. You’re a fucking twat. According to Google, you underwent surgery on June 16 to remove a cancerous growth on your salivary gland. Now when you give Roeper head it won’t be nearly as enjoyable. Seriously, what kind of a fucking loser gets cancer of the salivary gland? Go for something manly, like cancer of the face, or cancer of every bone in your body all at the same time. And just yesterday, July 2, 2006, you were hospitalized in serious condition after a blood vessel burst near the surgery site. Fucking pussy.

“There’s nothing duller than a hero without flaws.”
- About.com

Untrue. About.com is duller than a hero without flaws. About.com is duller than a hero without limbs.

“A dismal affair with robotic acting and humorless dialogue.”
CompuServe

Holy shit! CompuServe is still around?! God damn, I thought they were gone AGES ago. I’d love to tell you guys who wrote this and make fun of him, but - and I’m not kidding here - the page won’t load up. Know why? ‘Cause its fucking CompuServe.

“Well-intentioned, sure, but in the end, clumsy, inept and ineffectual.”
Dan Jardine, Cinemania

You’re a fucking Canadian, who cares what you think? Here’s what I want you to do: make up a big ol’ pot of that delicious British Columbian maple syrup and beer soup I’ve heard so much about. Get it real hot, now; a nice rolling boil. Add about 2 pounds of bacon lard, or just carve some off of your fat Canadian wife’s enormous ass. Go on, she won’t miss it. Now, wedge one of your gay son’s eyelash curlers under your each of your eyelids so you can’t close them. Then quickly dunk your entire head into the pot of soup, making sure to breathe deeply once your head is fully submerged. There, now you know exactly how painful it is for an American to have to listen to you fucking Canadians talk about our movies. Eh.

“Even speaking as an atheist who’s perfectly comfortable with the Christ parallels, as I’m only interested in Superman as a good story and not necessarily a guidebook to living. My first Halloween costume was Superman… well, okay, it was blue pajamas with feet and a reddish blanket-not exactly the thing to go trudging around at age four in the Grand Forks winter, a foot of snow on the ground.”
- Rubin Safaya, Cinemalogue.com

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? No one wants to know you! No one wants to know your religion! No one wants to know about your fucking childhood! Worthless fuck!

“Sidelines the prospect of solid character exploration in favor of a plot so silly and clumsy that even children would find reason to roll their eyes at it.”
David Keyes, Cinemaphile.org

Seriously, why didn’t your mother have an abortion? Wouldn’t her pimp give her enough money?

“Superman Returns is arguably the most expensive film ever made, and yet you leave the theater thinking, wow, those Spider-Man movies are really good.”
- Tom Long, Detroit News

Interesting coincidence, Tom; your daughter’s asshole is tighter and more attractive than your wife’s, and she likes it up the ass a LOT more, but every time I blow my load in her colon and throw down her fee of three dollars in loose change on her bed, I leave the room thinking “Wow, Tom Long is fucking douche bag.”

“Michael Winterbottom… is a protean innovator. (Singer’s script just blathers on about Prometheus.) Superman Returns isn’t simply infantile–that much is expected. The real surprise is that Winterbottom’s film is superior entertainment… Superman has been suspected of being a fascist since long before the character even existed–just ask Friedrich Nietzsche. Frank Miller, creator of the milestone comic book The Dark Knight Returns, showed the Man of Steel as a dangerously self-righteous Übermensch… The Road to Guantanamo reveals that power doesn’t ennoble, it corrupts–and that’s why Superman Returns is a lie…”
- Jürgen Fauth, About.com

Juergen, you are an unbelievably tedious cunt. I picture you typing up lists of zippy sounding adjectives, awaiting with sweaty palms the chance to attach them to whatever opinion you think will impress your snotty New York cunt friends, hoping desperately that they never discover what I have found out about you, Juergen: that your degree is from the University of fucking Southern Mississippi. Oh, and please, Juergen, try to impress me with your knowledge of independent film. And don’t be at all shy about the use of the word “quasi-documentary;” we know that translated from the original Cunt, that means roughly “half bullshit.” Also, Juergen, a character, an object, a noun in general, dear Juergen, cannot be considered ANYTHING before it existed. That’s how I know that, even though we have never before met, you were not a cunt until you were conceived. Oh, and how wonderfully cuntish of you to bring up Frank Miller! Its only a shame you never read The Dark Knight Returns, so that you would know how inaccurate your description of Superman really is. Also, Juergen, you may have noticed I’ve been spelling your name without the umlaut, because your pretense sickens me. If you would stop trying to appear European for 30 seconds and pick up a German newspaper, you would have learned that the umlaut is being phased out in German schools. Oh, dear! It seems poor Juergen is behind the times! How uncouth! How un-New York! You’d probably know that already, Juergen, if you weren’t such a cunt.

“For a $200 million film some of the major action set pieces looked comically bad, when his “continent” is finally grown, it looks like he’s sitting on a slab of rock.”
Michelle Alexandria, Eclipse Magazine

Oh, thank you, Michelle. Thank you for making it so easy. A continent, sweetheart, IS a slab of rock. You would know that, you repulsive, gaping cumdumpster, if you would for once in your worthless life get off your back and pick up a book. Oh, wait, you DID pick up a book. Your whole fucking review goes on and on about how dumb the BOOK is. Did you watch the MOVIE, bitch? Or did you read the book, decide how “horrid” it was, and then automatically start your bitchy, shitty little review in your head, before you had ever seen the film? You did, didn’t you? Didn’t you!? Once you get your father’s scrotum out of your mouth, you should call me up and admit it.

“Where’s the personality?… Routh is the main problem in a sometimes invigorating but often eviscerating film. Like the much-hyped but largely hollow “Spider-Man” movies, “Superman Returns” looks impressive but lacks a human touch… As it stands, “Superman Returns” really isn’t about anything other than how creepy Superman can be. He flies into a little boy’s window unannounced and follows Lois with all the smoothness of a celebrity stalker.”
- Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star

Hey, Phil, this review doesn’t even make sense. Did you watch this movie with the sound off? I’m not going to say anything bad about you, because I can’t think of anything worse than being you. Clearly your tiny little brain couldn’t process these scenes. If anyone out there would like to explain these scenes to Phil, or if you would just like to point out to him what a massive waste of protein he is, you can reach him at his office phone 520-573-4130 or email him at prv@azstarnet.com or pvillarreal@azstarnet.com. Oh, and when you talk to him, you might want to explain to him exactly how bad an idea it is to post his telephone contact info on the internet.

“Look up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane … no, it’s the biggest turkey of the year, featuring a would be Superman so wooden he might as well be acting in a pine box lined in Kryptonite.”
- Thomas Delapa, Boulder Weekly

Thomas has nothing nice to say about Superman Returns. Or The Da Vinci Code. Or Lake House, or A Prairie Home Companion. Oh, looky, another fucktard who thinks reviewing things is all about dishing out hate and shitting all over the script. What does he like? He likes what he thinks the kids are gonna like. He liked X-Men 3. In his words, it “stands first in my book in the movie trilogy.” What gave him belly laughs? Fucking Nacho Libre.

Thomas, I think I can say with complete confidence that you have become for me the single most loathsome, despicable thing in all the world. I believe I would rather suck Adolph Hitler’s syphilitic cock than to ever find myself in your presence. You don’t review movies, you write bitter little sound bites that you hope sound edgy enough to make editors in larger markets forget that you are a talentless cunt from Boulder. You bitch about scripts? What the FUCK would you know about writing? All of your “reviews” are less than a paragraph long. Don’t call them “capsule reviews” just because you don’t know enough words to fill a column. I only wish that salivary gland cancer was communicable, and that you had been soul kissed by Roger Ebert. I long to watch you suffer.

If you want to help me help Thomas suffer, send him lots of child porn at buzz@boulderweekly.com, then call the FBI. They’ll take it from there.

“Drab looking, underwhelming and inferior to all four of the Superman films that starred Christopher Reeve… But at least it’s better than Supergirl.”
Chuck O’Leary, FulvueDrive-in.com

You see; THIS is why the Irish were given such a hard time when they first came over here. Stupid mick bastard is clearly being contrary, because if there’s one thing that everyone seems to agree on, its that this movie is fucking PRETTY. He’s just trying to pick a fight. You want a fight, Paddy Tam-O’-Shanter? I’ll give you a fight. Next time you get the urge to drink a bottle of whiskey, molest your little sister, and throw a pipe bomb into a church, try not to. That’s a fight I’ll bet you’re not prepared for.

“What could possibly justify making a Superman movie that runs 154 minutes? …stock footage of Marlon Brando proving that death isn’t always a good career move.”
- J.R. Jones, Chicago Reader

Oh, look, another piece of Chi-Town trash who slings out a three-sentence movie review and calls it a job. What could possibly justify making a Superman movie that runs 154 minutes, you ask? How about the fact that every single one of those minutes spent in the dark is a minute that some human soul in that audience will not be reading the witless fucking crap that you write, you cocksucking piece of ass meat.

That was my three-sentence “capsule” review of your existence. Since you did not mention cocksucking or ass meat in your review, my review is better than yours. This “capsule” review of my three-sentence long “capsule” review is also three sentences long, you seeping canker on the pussy lips of Illinois.