Chris reviews “X-Men: The Last Stand”
Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ, what a letdown. What a disappointment. From a Storm that was there only to change outfits, to a Famke Janssen who wasn’t beautiful, this movie seemed DESIGNED to make me cry. Join me here to mourn the loss of a once superb franchise…
Okay, you know what? I always write these huge long reviews to get my frustrations off my chest, and this time it’s no different. I have a lot I want to say about this movie. But this time I want to hear what you guys have to say first. Let me know what you thought of “X-Men: The Last Stand” before I go off on it.
May 30th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
I haven’t seen it yet, but from what I’ve heard if you like the comic books then you will be highly disappointed with the movie. I’ve already been told that the Phoenix story line isn’t really there and of course we still get no Gambit who next to Wolverine is my favorite character. Also not to mention the fact that from what I’ve seen Jugernaut looks very disappointing. I’m not sure I will be spending my hard earned money on this. I will however being going downtown tomorrow to see the original version of King Kong on the big screen, which I believe will be well worth my money
May 30th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
Oh yeah forgot, how the hell could they completely leave Nightcrawler out of this movie!!!!!!!
May 31st, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Hmmm…..I know how to make a good X-Men movie:
1)forget about any sort of story development: the action alone should carry it
2)Make the action choppy and sporadic; hold it all together with a feebly executed plot line
3)Introduce a one note character who has absolutely no bearing on the story what so ever and appears in only three scenes.
4)Kill off established characters so time isn’t wasted developing them further (and do so in a manner that makes their previous efforts seem in-consequential to the franchise)
5)Introduce a bunch of new, undeveloped, one dimensional characters to distract the audience from the shit you pulled in step 4.
6)Finally…make sure everything revolves around Wolverine. He’s tested very well with viewers.
What a fucking let down. I went into the movie with no expectations and I was still dissappointed. How the hell did that happen?
I’ll leave it at that for now. Check out the Sci-Fi guys tv show for my full rant.
May 31st, 2006 at 1:23 pm
May 31st, 2006 at 1:59 pm
May 31st, 2006 at 2:14 pm
In response to Mrs. X’s comment about Nightcrawler: The execs thought it better to explain his absence via a videogame set in time between the events of X-II and the crapfest that is X-III. LAME!!!!!!!
May 31st, 2006 at 2:27 pm
May 31st, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Yeah, the lack of Nightcrawler REALLY pissed me off. What the fuck was up with that? They had 9,000 new mutants, but not the one guy who kicked ass all over the second film. They could’ve done away with about half the main cast of this movie and I would’ve been cool with it, just so long as Nightcrawler was in the film. But, NOOOOO…
May 31st, 2006 at 3:44 pm
As said best “Plot holes large enough to levitate the Golden Gate Bridge through.”
Enough said.
May 31st, 2006 at 3:49 pm
May 31st, 2006 at 5:15 pm
I’m gay. And I mean GAY. I prove this in the film by leaving a beautiful naked Rebecca Romijn lying on the floor of a truck in the middle of nowhere as I walk away with a big strong sweaty muscleman and a slender teenage boy with father-figure abandonment issues. It was fab-O! I’m not sure if this is what Magneto would have done in this circumstance, but I just couldn’t resist! In hindsight (and I absolutely ♥HEART♥ looking at hinds - winky, winky! ;-)) I probably should have watched the first two movies, then I wouldn’t have been so surprised when those party-poopy soldiers used plastic technology against us. They had that at the end of the first film! Oopsie! Anyway, I don’t know what all the hate is about - I thought this movie was the bomb-diggity! It had lots of good looking people in really tight clothes, and Hugh Jackman, who I could just eat with a spoony spoon spoon! Ohhh, to die for! Anywho, go and see this movie, you big sillies! Its fabulous!
Oh, my dear boy. Don’t you see? We are fucking each other.
May 31st, 2006 at 8:03 pm
I’m Colossus.
This is more dialogue than I had in the movie.
May 31st, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Yeah, my one true love killed me. That should’ve been a whole movie unto itself, but it was all said and done in about 45 seconds. Hey, is Yoda using the Force to lift those rocks? Did they ever find my motorcycle? I’m sorry if I seem scattered, but I’m on Storm’s diet, and its kicking my ass. I mean, I’m losing the weight, but I’m all loopy.
Does anybody have any chips or anything? God, I’m so fucking hungry…
June 2nd, 2006 at 9:53 pm
TODAY IS CHRISTMAS! THERE WILL BE A MAGIC SHOW AT ZERO-NINE-THIRTY! CHAPLAIN CHARLIE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT HOW THE FREE WORLD WILL CONQUER MUTANT KIND WITH THE AID OF GOD AND A FEW MARINES! GOD HAS A HARD-ON FOR MARINES BECAUSE WE KILL EVERY MUTANT WE SEE! HE PLAYS HIS GAMES, WE PLAY OURS! TO SHOW OUR APPRECIATION FOR SO MUCH POWER, WE KEEP HEAVEN PACKED WITH FRESH MUTANT SOULS! YOU CAN GIVE YOUR HEART TO JESUS, BUT YOUR ASS BELONGS TO THE CORPS! DO YOU LADIES UNDERSTAND?
TONIGHT, YOU MEN WILL SLEEP WITH YOUR PLASTIC RIFLES. YOU WILL GIVE YOUR PLASTIC RIFLE A GIRL’S NAME, BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY PUSSY YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET. YOUR DAYS OF FINGER-BANGING OL’ MARY JANE ROTTENCROTCH THROUGH HER PRETTY PINK PANTIES ARE OVER! YOU’RE MARRIED TO THIS WEAPON OF PLASTIC, AND YOU WILL BE FAITHFUL. NO METAL!
HOLY JESUS! WHAT IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE? A METAL RIFLE? HOW DID IT GET HERE? ARE METAL RIFLES ALLOWED IN THIS MOVIE, PRIVATE PYLE? ARE YOU ALLOWED TO USE A METAL RIFLE, PRIVATE PYLE? AND WHY NOT, PRIVATE PYLE? BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISGUSTING MUTANT-LOVING SCUMBAG, PRIVATE PYLE!
PRIVATE PYLE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY BELOVED CORPS?! YOU ARE DUMB, PRIVATE PYLE, BUT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW PLASTIC FROM METAL? THEN YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE! YOU WANNA BE DIFFERENT! OH, THAT’S RIGHT, PRIVATE PYLE; DON’T MAKE ANY FUCKING EFFORT TO DESTROY THE EVIL MUTANT THREAT. IF GOD WOULD HAVE WANTED MAGNETO TO DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN, HE WOULD HAVE MIRACLED HIS ASS UP THERE BY NOW, WOULDN’T HE? WHERE IS YOUR HONOR, DIRTBAG? YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE!
PRIVATE PYLE YOU HAD BEST SQUARE YOUR ASS AWAY AND START SHITTING ME NON-METALLIC TIFFANY CUFFLINKS OR I WILL DEFINITELY FUCK YOU UP! YOU BETTER UNFUCK YOURSELF BEFORE I UNSCREW YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK! WERE YOU BORN A FAT, SLIMY, SCUMBAG PUKE PIECE OF SHIT, PRIVATE PYLE, OR DID YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT? IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE THE BEST PART OF YOU RAN DOWN THE CRACK OF YOUR MAMA’S ASS AND ENDED UP AS A BROWN STAIN ON THE MATTRESS! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMBNUTS? DIDN’T MOMMY AND DADDY SHOW YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? I’LL BET YOU’RE THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD FUCK A PERSON IN THE ASS AND NOT EVEN HAVE THE GODDAM COMMON COURTESY TO GIVE HIM A REACH-AROUND. I’LL BE WATCHING YOU, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT! YOU’RE SO UGLY YOU COULD BE A MODERN ART MASTERPIECE! YOU GODDAMN COMMUNIST HEATHEN, YOU HAD BEST SOUND OFF THAT YOU LOVE THE MUTANT CURE, OR I’M GONNA STOMP YOUR GUTS OUT!
I WANT YOU TO KILL ALL FILTHY GODLESS MUTANTS ON THAT ISLAND! I WANT THAT ISLAND SO SANITARY AND SQUARED-AWAY THAT THE VIRGIN MARY HERSELF WOULD BE PROUD TO GO IN AND TAKE A DUMP. AND IF THAT ISLAND IS NOT SANITIZED OF ALL SCUMSUCKING MUTANT TRASH, I WILL PERSONALLY FUCKING KILL YOU TO DEATH! YOU WILL BECOME A DEAD MARINE, AND THEN YOU WILL BE IN A WORLD OF SHIT, BECAUSE MARINES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE WITHOUT PERMISSION. DO YOU MAGGOTS UNDERSTAND?!
NOW LET ME SEE YOUR WAR FACE. BULLSHIT, YOU DIDN’T CONVINCE ME. LET ME SEE YOUR REAL WAR FACE.
YOU DON’T SCARE ME. WORK ON IT.
June 17th, 2006 at 4:08 am
Well…I know I’m going to be slammed but I liked this movie. It wasn’t as good as the first two, it was disappointing in some aspects but I enjoyed it AND the special effects. I have never really been a fan of wolverine or nightcrawler so their roles (or lack thereof) didn’t really bother me. I liked the introduction of the new mutants and, contrary to DanM’s thoughts, liked Kitty Pryde as Shadowcat (although her character was underdeveloped). The main things I didn’t like: 1) Rouge was a bitch of a sellout. 2) Storm should have kicked ass more. & 3) Bobby the “IceMan” should have had his powers explored in a more complete fashion…to be honest he’s always been a favorite of mine!
Signing out….Mark
February 5th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
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February 6th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
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